The meaning of protecting you with my life

Guilt and vow

Wei Wuxian was sitting completely still on the bottom of the boat. He could feel Jiang Cheng struggling against his aching back but he could not find it in himself to care. Even if all the skin fell away due to this, he would be fine. He felt terrible for being the cause of Lotus Pier being now attacked, of driving the Jiang family apart and of Jiang Cheng's desperate calls after his mother.

In truth, he would have preferred Jiang Cheng to blame him as well, perhaps it would alleviate his desperation and anger and he would also be able to concentrate on something else than his own guilt. Those few strikes of Zidian were not enough of a punishment, he knew it. Because of him, the whole Lotus Pier, the whole Yunmeng Jiang sect, was in danger. So many innocent lives at stake just because of him. He should have never gotten the idea of getting close to the Second Jade of Gusu and provoked Wen Chao!

The part of Zidian on his chest was pulsating with energy and he could feel it slightly burning him, as if even the Purple lightning whip knew he was to blame for all of this and was showing him its anger. He would have liked to cover his ears so he would not be able to hear Jiang Cheng's desperation any more but he knew better than that. This was his punishment as well, he had to endure. He felt tears in his eyes, however he did not let them fall, he had no right to.

Madame Yu had asked him to protect Jiang Cheng with his life. Although he had not needed this reminder as he had known fully well what his mission was, he took it to heart. He had already failed once; he could not afford to act recklessly anymore lest Jiang Cheng could be in danger. He had to get him to safety first, Madame Yu made that clear, and then protect him. Even if it should cost him his life, his brother was the sect heir and he was only a dispensable son of a servant, of course it was clear whose life was more important.

So he did not struggle against the bindings, he knew they were there so Jiang Cheng would not recklessly try to go back to Lotus Pier. He did not call for Madame Yu to let them fight by her side anymore, he understood why she wanted her son to be far away from any danger. After all, the sect was not only the buildings in Lotus Pier, it was first and foremost the people. And without a leader, the Yunmeng Jiang sect would fall to ruins for sure.

He let himself be dragged around by the struggling Jiang Cheng and was biting back painful screams and groans. He was waiting for his brother to tire himself out to be able to reason with him. Jiang Cheng had to understand why his mother had send him away, he did not want him to blame his family for anything. He was the only guilty one. He always had been.

When they had departed from the pier, he had caught a glimpse of Madame Yu's broken expression. The ever unbreakable, strong and fierce woman had been crying! Because of him and his foul mouth. He had felt his heart breaking even more knowing that he had caused pain not only to Jiang Cheng but to Madame Yu as well. And probably to Shijie and Uncle Jiang too, once they would learn about this situation.

If he had not had a mission, he would have perhaps considered just giving up. He however had to protect at least Jiang Cheng when he had failed the rest of the family. He swore then and there to the very heavens that he would give up his life protecting him, to his last breath.

Only then did he realize that he would probably die trying sooner rather than later. He remembered the cold emptiness where his golden core had once shined brightly. He put a hand onto his chest in a desperate attempt to fell something, anything, a single spark of spiritual energy flowing through his meridians. There was nothing left there, his golden core and all the spiritual energy it retained were truly gone.

He shuddered, trying to come to terms with his new circumstances. He was basically useless now, without his cultivation or his sword, he had only little means to protect anyone. Nevertheless, he would do his best, no matter the price.

If he would manage to shield Jiang Cheng, his life would be all worth it, he owed it to Madame Yu and Uncle Jiang for taking him in and providing for him all these years. He owed it to the Yunmeng Jiang sect for allowing him to train and develop a golden core in the first place. Even if it was now gone, his skills were not, although most probably clumsy without being able to use any spiritual energy.

No, he could not let himself become depressed or despair, his brother depended on him right now, he needed him. And so Wei Wuxian once again showed any self-pity he had been feeling to the very back of his mind. He took a deep breath to steady himself and to not let any pain be heard in his voice and he tried to reason with his distressed and struggling brother who was still trying to free himself from Zidian binding them together:

"Jiang Cheng, listen to me. Calm down, struggling would do us no good. We need to preserve our forces." When it did nothing to calm his brother, he tried another approach: "Madame Yu facing Wen Zhuliu was an equal battle, nothing is decided yet. She will be fine." He did not quite believe his own words but he needed Jiang Cheng to stop struggling before he would hurt himself.

"How can I calm down!" retorted his brother in a broken voice. Wei Wuxian could hear him crying and his heart was breaking still, his guilt almost overcoming him. But he did not let it, he needed to be strong, he could blame himself all he wanted later, once they were out of danger.

Jiang Cheng continued, his voice gaining on urgency and despair: "Even if mother managed to beat Wen Zhuliu, there was a whole army coming. I heard them! She cannot take on all the soldiers by herself. Wen Chao had sent a whole army to besiege our family because of you!"

It hurt deep inside and Wei Wuxian had to take a deep breath to remain calm himself. It would not do any good to either of them if he broke down or started panicking. After Jiang Cheng shouted his blame at him, he felt quiet again, safe for huffing and struggling against Zidian.

Wei Wuxian looked around in desperation, there must have been something what he could do for his brother at the moment. It was clear that Jiang Cheng was hurting and he wanted to help him overcome it. If shouting at him and blaming him would have been enough, he would gladly be the target of his rage, but it seemed like right now, it would not be enough.

They were in the middle of the river, there was nothing is sight except for water and deep forest surrounding it. They were lost who knew where, still moving away from Lotus Pier which was the only good thing in all this mess, the father away from the battle they would go, the safer Jiang Cheng would be.

Suddenly, Wei Wuxian spotted another boat in the distance. He could not believe his eyes. He though he recognized Shijie and Uncle Jiang standing on the deck. He did not want to alert Jiang Cheng just yet, in case it was not the rest of his family getting closer to them, he did not want to awaken a false hope in him. However, after only a few seconds as both boats continued to get closer one to another, he confirmed his hopes and he called out to his brother.

"Jiang Cheng, look! It is Uncle Jiang and Shijie!"