The meaning of protecting you with my life

Final farewell

Wei Wuxian's heart was breaking in his chest when Madame Yu had asked what would happen to them now. He had though the previous explanation would have been enough but apparently not, then again it was their lives they were talking about, and he had promised to protect them. It was perfectly reasonable that she wanted to make sure he would fulfil his mission without a fail.

However, he did not dare to say too much, Wen Chao was still standing just behind him and he could not let him hear anything that would lead him to suspect him even more. While Wen Ruohan seemed to have believed him without a problem, the second heir of the Qishan Wen sect was still holding a grudge against him and was apparently looking out for any slip from his part to be able to kill him or something even worse, like keep him prisoner in the cell he had spent the night in.

Before Wei Wuxian could start remembering all the horrors of that single night which had in truth been on par with his time in the Burial Mounds, if not even worse, Madame Yu was speaking again: "But what about you?"

Breath was stuck in Wei Wuxian's chest. Did he mishear the question? Why would Madame Yu be asking that? She had made it clear in the past that he should protect the Yunmeng Jiang clan with his life, it really did not matter what would happen to him. Or did she perhaps still need more reassurance that her whole family would indeed be set free?

"Madame Yu, please do not worry, all of you will be just fine." He reassured her whispering even more low key now. They really had no time for this, he had to get all of them out before Wen Chao or Wen Ruohan would lose their patience.

For a second, he was stunned by Madame Yu's expression when he looked up. For a fleeting moment, he had thought that he had seen fondness and worry in her eyes. But that was impossible, why would she care for him? She never did and he knew perfectly well why. For the better part of his life, he had been inconveniencing the Yunmeng Jiang sect and causing trouble for the sect and the family which so graciously took him in. Madame Yu had all right to resent him, he understood all too well, even if the realization sometimes hurt. He still was grateful to her for allowing him to live in Lotus Pier, to play with her children and to have been able to become a cultivator.

Then again, he let himself dream for a split second. It would feel so great if she actually acknowledged him and cared for him enough to have asked the question in earnest, genuinely worried about his safety. Yes, he would think of it like this, no matter how untrue it was. He would never see them again after this and he could use all the comfort he could get or imagine in order to be able to gather his courage and forces and go through with his plan. He still had to stop Wen Ruohan's puppets so the allied forces could storm Nightless City safely, and also destroy the Yin iron. No one could blame him for wanting the last moments with the family which had raised him to be happy ones.

So he allowed himself to believe that Madame Yu, and the rest of the family, truly cared for him, even though Madame Yu's expression was back to scowling with pain in her eyes. He did not like to see the strong woman looking like this, he had to make this quick. They all had been held captive for way too long.

Wen Chao also seemed to be of the same mind, because he all but growled from behind him: "Wei Wuxian..."

Wei Wuxian knew instantly that it was time to end this before Wen Ruohan would change his mind. Despite wanting to say so much more to his family, to thank them for taking care of him and for loving him in their own way, he had run out of time now.

He would never get to tell Jiang Yanli that he loved her, that she was the kindest sister in the whole world and that her soup was simply the best dish there was. Jiang Cheng would never get to know that Wei Wuxian had not been avoiding him as of late because he did not want to be brothers anymore, that he had never wanted anything more than to become Jiang Cheng's right hand man in the future, that he knew all the scowling was just for show and that Jiang Cheng actually liked him. He would never get to show how grateful he was to Uncle Jiang for finding him in Yiling that faithful day and for offering more than Wei Wuxian would ever be able to repay, not even with his own life, he would never get to explain to him that although he had been overjoyed with all the love he had received, Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli deserved some more than him and that Uncle Jiang should show them more often just how much he loved them. He would never get to express his gratitude to Madame Yu for she had been the one who was the most exigent with his training, it had been because of her that Wei Wuxian had been able to make it this far and could now help rescue all of them and hopefully be strong enough to make a difference in this war.

He felt tears welling up in his eyes but he refused to let them fall, he needed to finish this in a way that Wen Ruohan would believe that he had indeed said goodbye to the cultivation world and was now joining his side. And he had to make it quickly lest he would not have another opportunity to say anything ever again to them.

If he had to say farewell to the only family he knew – he did not really remember his parents or the family life he had once lived with them – he wanted it to be sweet and reassuring, as painless as possible. He did not want them to mourn him, it was for the best if they could forget him quickly and move forward. But he did not have that luxury, he could not say the words he wanted.

Instead, all he could think of as a farewell was: "Uncle Jiang, Madame Yu, Jiang Cheng, Shijie, thank you for taking care of me all these years and letting me become a cultivator. I will however no longer walk this path. I want to sever our ties here and now. I will never see you again."

He hoped that in the future, they would be able to understand these words were his heartfelt farewell to them and would be able to find at least some comfort in that thought if they even remembered him in a good way and not just as an intruder on their family's happiness and a troublemaker.

Surely Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli would one day be able to forget him as well, he knew it would take them a while but he also knew that it would not take too long. They would have other things to worry about than a dead demonic cultivator who had once lived as their brother.

Wei Wuxian blinked one last time and swiftly stood up, not even feeling his body protesting the movement for once since he was in too much pain already; and he found out at that moment that emotional hurt was far worse than any physical injury. He dared to take one last quick look at his family who was staring at him with wide open and shocked eyes. He tried to take in every detail and he silently pleaded them for forgiveness, it was more than clear that he had just hurt them, even Madame Yu from the looks of it.

He could not stand looking at their pained expressions anymore, he would not be able to go through with this if any one of them would start pleading or crying now. He swiftly turned around and took big steps to go once again kneel in front of Wen Ruohan's throne. Now it was time for the Qishan Wen sect leader to keep his promise.

He felt completely hollow inside, the loss would probably only let itself be known later. He was doing his best to school his expression and to keep the tears from falling down from his eyes, he really could not show anything in front of Wen Ruohan. To him, he had to be the cruel demonic cultivator who had decided to change sides.