The meaning of protecting you with my life

Uncomfortable

When Wei Wuxian finally run out of tears and his violent sobs had turned into gasps for breath and then into soft occasional hiccups, he stayed still glued to Lan Zhan. Now that he was calm and collected enough to understand the situation he was in, he started to feel ashamed of breaking down like this in front of his soulmate.

Lan Zhan did not seem to mind too much though. He was even patting his back gently and humming their love song to his ear. Wei Wuxian calmed down further in his embrace and let the soothing sound and the smell of sandalwood drift him into a relaxed state. In this kind of mind space, he felt like he could forget all about his misery. He also did not want to remember that he should be grateful instead of miserable. Right now, he was just content to be together with Lan Zhan like this.

And then, when he thought he was just about to fall asleep, his mouth moved almost despite himself. "Lan Zhan..." he mumbled, all sleepy from exhaustion. He stopped for a second, not sure how he actually wanted to continue and what he wanted to say.

"I am here, Wei Ying," Lan Zhan stopped humming only for as long as it took him to whisper those words into Wei Wuxian's ear. Then he resumed his previous activity and the rumbling of his chest against his face and the other ear was making Wei Wuxian blush all that harder for some reason.

Lan Zhan was really way too good to him; he knew he did not deserve it but still he shamelessly craved this kind of closeness with his soulmate. Even more so that he felt this raw and vulnerable on the inside. He wanted to repay that kindness and trust somehow.

"Lan Zhan..." he whispered again, even quieter this time.

"Mn," came a quiet reply followed by repetition of their special song, the exact one which Wei Wuxian always craved to hear when he was at his lowest. Just like right now.

He steeled himself and unglued his face from Lan Zhan's chest. He did not look at him though; he was afraid of his soulmate's reaction to his words. Would Lan Zhan think he was being ungrateful? Or would he just say that he would stay by his side no matter what? Now Wei Wuxian was eager to discover the truth. He did not doubt Lan Zhan, not at all, he only doubted himself.

"Lan Zhan," third time was a charm. He was going to say what exactly was on his mind. He knew that if he did not speak right now, it would take him a long time to gather his courage again. He really needed to say it aloud though. Still, he was lacking the correct words – an unusual state for him but to which he was slowly getting used to, it had been a long time since he could just speak his mind freely without considering the consequences – and he was actually scared to let his voice out.

Nevertheless, he took a deep breath and admitted: "I feel uncomfortable."

Bless his soulmate for not misunderstanding the situation and bringing him closer to himself, continuing patting his back. Wei Wuxian felt like a child who needed soothing, he did not complain though.

When the pause after his lame and maladroit confession became too long, Lan Zhan gently prompted: "Uncomfortable?"

This was all it took to break another dam inside of Wei Wuxian's very soul and he could no longer stop the flood of words which was coming out of his mouth: "You know, Lan Zhan, I feel so out of place here lately. I mean, Lotus Pier is my home and I love it here, I love my family and the disciples and the town's people. And the piers and the training fields and the archery range and the loud market... But it does not feel the same as before.

I do not know how to exactly describe this. It is as if it was and was not my home at the same time. I feel like a stranger here; all I have ever known is now different, I cannot do the things I loved anymore. Everyone is watching my every step. Do not get me wrong, I am glad that they are trying to protect me, I know that they mean well, but it feels kind of... uncomfortable.

It is like they pity me, you know? Not that they would ever say it aloud or let me see it actually. But I can tell. I can tell when their eyes are on my back after they guiltily hide their swords and I hear the whispers when I leave. They mean well, they are all so sweet. But it just a little bit too much. It is not like I have become completely defenceless and a cripple at that. I am not so fragile II would break when I see someone carry a sword around, you know?

I am a terrible person, am I not?" Wei Wuxian could feel all his emotions taking the better of him again and tears started to flow out of his eyes despite his best efforts. So he let them and continued: "I should be grateful, I should be happy to finally have a good family which accepts me the way I am and want to protect me. And yet, here I am, whining and crying, throwing a tantrum as if I was a spoiled child who does not understand what gratitude is. I really am an awful brother and son, Am I not? I should be happy with what I have and yet... I... I just want... I should... I do not know what to do anymore..."

His sobs were now so loud again that he had to grasp for breath continuously and he could not talk anymore. Bless his Lan Zhan for reading the situation once again and humming the song into his ear while gently patting his hair this time. Wei Wuxian nuzzled impossibly close to him and hid his face in his shoulder. He hugged him back just as strongly and continued to sob his heart out.

He did not know if the Second Jade understood the last part of his speech when he was desperately asking to be told what he should do now. He did not know if he wanted to be scolded for being this unreasonable and selfish or if he wanted to be told that it was not his fault and that his feelings were his own and he did not have to feel ashamed of them.

All he wanted to hear was what he should do so his every breath did not hurt like this. He felt suffocated just thinking about setting a foot out of his room again. He knew he would have to face the pitying eyes of the disciples and the overwhelming and overbearing care and love of his family. Everything seemed so hard to him now like it had never been in the past.

He was at a complete loss, clinging to his soulmate because Lan Zhan was the only person in the entire world who would never lie to him and who would not pretend to care for him, both his care and love would always be genuine and never forced. They loved each other and that was the only truth Wei Wuxian could be certain of right now. Everything else was becoming hard to decrypt and hard to live in. With Lan Zhan by his side, he could at last take a deep breath and feel free for a second.