The meaning of protecting you with my life

I should have...

Wei Wuxian was at a complete loss for several seconds. It took him quite a while to actually understand what he was feeling, why he was having so much trouble breathing and why his chest was in so much pain. He watched as Jiang Cheng was shaking his head in utter disbelief and he thought he may had been doing the same thing. He was not sure though, he felt too shocked at the moment.

And then it finally downed on him. Jiang Yanli had been captured and took away by Wen Xu.

How could he have let that happen? Was he not supposed to protect his siblings, protect the whole Yunmeng Jiang clan? He had already failed before and Uncle Jiang and Madame Yu were either dead or held prisoners in Nightless City. And now even his sister was gone, probably met with the same fate. He had failed once again. He could not even keep his promise and accomplish his role of a guardian properly.

It was all his fault, this time as well. He should have never played a hero in the village they had been hiding in after escaping Lotus Pier, he should have been stronger and fended off the Wen soldiers. He should have come back to Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli's side and be there for them. They should have gone to Meishan together and then join the Sunshot campaign while resurrecting the Yunmeng Jiang sect, he should have been there for his siblings.

Then again, getting caught had been unavoidable at that time. Still, he should have done more to escape Lotus Pier and Wen Chao's clutches. He should not have been this foolish and should not have thrown himself to Burial Mounds, he had jumped there basically willingly. If he was just a little bit more patient and thought things through, he would not have lost three months just like that.

He should have mastered the demonic cultivation faster; he should have never been away from his siblings' side for the whole three months. If he tried harder, he would have surely been able to escape the Burial Mounds in a shorter amount of time and could have helped defend Unclean Realm. He knew the Yunmeng Jiang sect motto 'To attempt the impossible' and yet he could not do even that much, getting himself stuck in that god damned place for so long instead of protecting his siblings just as he had been supposed to do.

If only he had not said that he wanted to go back to the camp by horseback, they could have still arrived in time to fend off Wen Xu and safe Jiang Yanli. And he had refused for such a selfish reason too, just because he had not wanted Jiang Cheng to find out how weak he was right now because he had been afraid that his brother would no longer want to stay by his side if he could not protect him and be his right hand man anymore.

If he had at least not refused Lan Zhan's offer to fly on his sword, they could have still arrived sooner. He just stubbornly refused to come near the Second Jade for it would hurt too much to know that he could no longer stand as his equal and that the other hated him for his use of demonic cultivation. So what if Lan Zhan hated him, so what if he would feel bothered by Wei Wuxian clinging to him for the flight and despise him even more, it would have been all worth it if it would have saved Jiang Yanli from imprisonment.

And Wei Wuxian could only hope at this point that she had been captured and taken to Nightless City. Nie Huisang had not said that he knew where she was so he must have had no idea either. It was not even certain that his sister was still alive. And all because of him. Why was he always causing only trouble? Madame Yu had been right all along, he should have probably not come with Uncle Jiang and stayed on the streets, then he would not cause his adoptive family so much pain and grief.

He had been foolish and reckless this whole time. He should have known better, he should have listened to Madame Yu and Master Qiren more seriously. If he had not caused trouble, the Yunmeng Jiang sect would have still been fine, Madame Yu and Uncle Jiang would have still been with them, Shijie would have still be welcoming them with a smile. Jiang Cheng would not be in so much pain right now. He had ruined everything. It was all his own fault.

He looked at his brother, feeling completely broken inside and whispered apologetically, "Jiang Cheng, I..."

He wanted to apologize so much for his failure to the Jiang family, and there was only one member left. He knew he was just trying to ease his own conscience but he still had to do it, he felt like his chest would burst open from all the pain stuffed inside of it otherwise. And hopefully he would also attract Jiang Cheng's ire on himself, he did not want the other to blame himself for all of this for he knew that Jiang Cheng would do that sooner or later anyway now that he was the new Yunmeng Jiang sect leader.

His brother turned around sharply, apparently finally regaining his senses after hearing the news. He glared at him and Wei Wuxian had to do his best to not cower under his fierce stare full of blame. At that moment, Jiang Cheng felt like a complete stranger to Wei Wuxian, and it hurt.

What hurt however even more was the fact that when his brother spoke, his voice was broken, almost devoid of any and all emotions and extremely tired and aggrieved. Jiang Cheng never spoke in that way; Wei Wuxian would have been able to take on all his brother's anger and blame, but not this emptiness he could feel creeping inside of the other.

"Wei Wuxian, just shut up, I want to be alone right now."

The young Yunmeng Jiang sect leader turned away from him and started heading towards a cluster of tents. His steps were slow and tired, as if he was exhausted to his bones. He was staggering a bit and it almost looked like he could not stand on his own feet anymore. Wei Wuxian wanted to cry seeing how broken his brother was because of him.

He could not stand it; he did not even know what he wanted to tell the other when he run after him and called: "Jiang Cheng!"

His brother stopped and turned around again, very slowly this time. Wei Wuxian took a step back for he had never seen so much pain on someone's face before.

Jiang Cheng took a deep breath as if he was about to finally start yelling at him and let his pain out. Surely he would feel better after unleashing his emotions onto Wei Wuxian.

However, nothing like that happened. Instead of an outburst, he only half-heartedly whispered: "Wei Wuxian, if only you..."

Jiang Cheng's voice trailed into nothingness but Wei Wuxian understood perfectly well what his brother had wanted to say. He had been blaming himself already for all those times he could have taken a better decision, for all those times he should have been stronger, but now, after his brother could not even enumerate all those occasions, he felt guilt completely crushing him.

He could not bear looking in his brother's dead eyes anymore so he was kind of grateful when Jiang Cheng just turned his back to him and left without uttering another word.

Wei Wuxian did not pay any attention to Nie Huisang and Lan Zhan calling him back and he was just running away like the coward he truly was. He wanted to hide somewhere far away from the world but he knew he would never be able to hide from the guilt, from all the pain he had caused, from his mission.

He stopped when he was all alone and no one was in sight anymore. Then he scrunched to the ground, holding his hands around his torso in a desperate attempt to hold himself together. He could not tell if he was crying or not but he definitely felt like filling a whole sea with his tears. He let himself succumb to his pain.

Only for a while though. He could not just run away, he still had to protect the only remaining member of the family which graciously and selflessly took him in and which he had just ruined. He still had to protect Jiang Cheng.

He willed his aching body to stand up and he headed back to the camp, his mind focused solely on his mission, he did not have time to think about anything else at the moment. He had to push through, he could not collapse just yet.