The meaning of protecting you with my life

Shared guilt

Jiang Fengmian was waiting in his and his wife's room. He had seen the determination and also the distress and anxiety on Yu Ziyuan's face when she asked him with her eyes to leave her alone with Wei Wuxian. He wished for her from the bottom of his heart to be strong and to overcome her heart wrenching regret.

He himself had had enough of that but he knew that despite her strong front and controlled behaviour, deep down, his wife was a very tender and emotional woman who loved her family with all her heart. Now however, he was afraid that the rejection that she would face from Wei Wuxian could break her.

He had not been able to apologize or to properly explain things to their son because he had been a coward. It was only a feeble excuse that he had not wanted to agitate Wei Wuxian any more than he had already been. He knew fully well that if he had been better at calming him down and less of a coward, he would have stayed strong and stopped the boy from blaming himself. Yet, he had not done that. All he could have done was to hold his son in his arms and weep together with him. Although it helped him to come to terms with his feelings, he was certain that it had only steeled Wei Wuxian in his distorted beliefs in his own guilt.

Those beliefs that his wife claimed were entirely and solely her fault. He tried to already reason with her on numerous occasions during their imprisonment and afterwards that it was not true. They have all had a piece of guilt to carry, even if Yu Ziyuan's was perhaps the biggest one – though Jiang Fengmian was ready to argue about that as well –, none of his family members was free of it. They all knew it and it was eating at them constantly.

Luckily, now that Wei Wuxian was finally awake; they would be able to start making it up to him and truly become a family they should have been from the very beginning. Although the road to that would most probably be a long and hard one.

After what Jiang Fengmian had seen with his own eyes, it would not be easy to convince his son that they all loved him and wanted to take care of him now, after all the years they had disregarded his feelings and not cared about his well-being as they should have. There was no question in his mind that they would all have to work very hard towards that.

Suddenly, the door to the room flew open and a very distressed looking Yu Ziyuan run inside. She closed the door behind herself and stayed in the middle of the room. She was crying and so broken that it broken Jiang Fengmian's heart in response to seeing her like that. He immediately knew that Wei Wuxian had woken up and Yu Ziyuan had been overwhelmed by her guilt.

He could however only speculate at what point that had happened. He himself could not manage to say his apology properly and he was now greatly regretting it as his own guilt was gnawing at his guts with more and more intensity each minute. He knew that if he would not go face Wei Wuxian again soon and finally try to apologize to him – not seek forgiveness, just to let his son know that they were aware of their mistakes – it would break him eventually. Had his wife reached her breaking point just now?

Jiang Fengmian immediately stood up and went to her. He gathered her into his arms and drew her closer to his chest, letting her hide her face and lean into him. They would have never even thought about doing something like this before everything fell apart after Lotus Pier had been attacked. But by now, it had become something they both needed and welcomed. They were here for each other and there was nothing wrong with showing weakness here and now and being comforted.

Once his wife calmed down some, Jiang Fengmian gently let her to sit on the bed. He took place next to her and continued holding her hands in his own, looking at her with worry and concern.

It took another while before Yu Ziyuan finally spoke, not lifting her eyes from the floor: "Fengmian, I have done it. I have tried to apologize..."

That did not surprise Jiang Fengmian as much as he had thought it would. He had always known that his wife was the stronger one out of the two of them. Of course she would succeed in pushing forward. But why was she in this kind of emotional state?

"I could not quite do it. I could not say everything I had wanted. I could not apologize for everything I had done wrong to him. There is just too much... How should I ever face him again? I could tell that he did not believe me. Fengmian, what should I do?"

It was at this moment that Yu Ziyuan looked up and found Jiang Fengmian's eyes. He almost recoiled, shocked. Even during the long imprisonment, his wife had never been this unhappy and broken. He could tell that she was really at the end of her rope. And she was now looking for an advice because she really did not know what to do anymore.

Jiang Fengmian smiled gently and kissed Yu Ziyuan's cheek chastely. It was not meant to be anything sensual, it would be very uncalled for in a situation like this. It was simply a token of his support and something he thought would help him to comfort his wife's hurting heart.

"Ziyuan," he started ever so softly, "you have already done more than I could. I am sure you did your best. Please do not beat yourself up over this. We have already known that A-Xian would not believe us right from the beginning, we would have to find out way to him slowly. You have made that first and most important step. Now you need to continue shoving him your sincerity. I am sure he will believe in our words eventually."

Yu Ziyuan continued watching him intently, clearly looking for any kind of dishonesty or doubt on his face. In the end, apparently reassured by him returning her stare without a flinch, she whispered with more hope than she had come into the room with: "I hope so, Fengmian, I sincerely hope so. I do not know what I would do if A-Ying would never be able to believe me anymore."

Jiang Fengmian kissed his wife one more time, on each cheek, wiping her tears away. Then he tugged at her hand: "It is time for us to rest. We should give A-Ying some more time to heal. And we would also be calmer and more prepared after a good long sleep. Heavens know that we had not had much of that lately. We cannot be too emotional when we face him or he will just try to take all the blame onto himself again."

Yu Ziyuan nodded immediately and after removing their outer robes and hair ornaments, they snuggled close to each other under the covers, offering comfort and proximity. They slept before they even knew it.