The meaning of protecting you with my life

Hesitation and determination

An out of breath Yunmeng Jiang sect disciple threw the door of Yu Ziyuan's and Jiang Fengmian's shared room – yes, they were now sharing the same room for the first time since their marriage decades ago – open without even bothering to knock. At first Yi Ziyuan was about to reprimand them harshly. Even though she was now changing her ways and was trying her best to be more gentle and understanding when it came to both her children and her sect's disciples, especially the youngest ones, she knew she still had a long way to go. She had to make a conscious effort each and every time.

Before she could however start shouting at the poor girl who was panting while staring at her, the disciple caught her breath at last and managed to speak: "Madame, Senior Brother Wei had just woken up!"

The girl did not have to say anything more and Yu Ziyuan's anger vanished as if by magic, now she was grateful to the disciple for running all the way here with the utmost urgency. Her heart was however seized by instant fear; now was the time for her to face Wei Wuxian and she was not at all convinced that she was ready for that. There was too much between them to simply put it all away just like that.

After all, the last time Wei Wuxian had seen her was when she had whipped him, almost crippled him really, because she had been angry at him for bringing the Wen army to their steps. Last time she saw him properly standing was when he had thrown himself in front of Jiang Cheng and lost his golden core. Last time she had talked to him was only to blame him for all the misfortunes that were not even his fault. She never asked about his physical health, she only screamed at him.

She hurt him terribly both body and soul and there was nothing she could do about it now. There was nothing which would help her repair the damage she had caused. Wei Wuxian would only remember her as his evil adoptive mother, only as Madame Yu, the unrelenting and heartless Purple Spider. Who else would ever whip their child with their first class spiritual weapon?

She did not count the time they had briefly met in the Nightless City palace. They had both been distressed and they had not really talked, not truly. And even at that time, Wei Wuxian had assumed that she only cared about the rest of her family and not him. He had sacrificed himself for them time and time again and she had never thanked him.

Did she even have any right to go see him right now? He was surely happy now, with the rest of his family, being pampered by all of them in their own ways. Did she really want to ruin that perfect moment for him? She was sure that upon seeing her, he would immediately regress to a guilty small thing that she did not want to imagine. Knowing him, he would take all the blame for himself and his mental state would worsen; even given that she did not know how he was doing at the moment, she was convinced that he would do much worse with her around.

The disciple was still waiting for her reaction to the news and she was looking at her with worry in her eyes. Yu Ziyuan did her best to reign in her emotions and to appear kind when she sent her away: "Thank you for bringing me the news. I will go see him shortly." She did not know if she had managed to convince the girl that she was alright, but she had just too much on her mind to really care.

She almost wanted to slap herself after the disciple had left. She had to get her act together. She should not be hiding in her room all the time, she would have to face her son one day. And the longer she would be delaying this encounter, the worse it would be for both of them.

She took several deep breaths, steeling herself for what she would see once she would go into Wei Wuxian's room. How the boy's smile would drop in her presence and how he would surely look down, trying to make himself as small as possible, fearing she would scold him and punish him like she had used to do when he had made trouble for the Yunmeng Jiang sect or when he had failed to do what she ordered him to in the past.

She did not think personally that he had failed her or her family in any way, but it was most than probable that Wei Wuxian would think differently. After all, it had been her who had conditioned him into readily and quietly take all the blame for everything and anything. Even for things he could not have even done or situations which were obviously not his fault at all. Just as the fall of Lotus Pier.

Once again, she took several breaths and tried to finally will her eyes to look in the direction of the door which she had been avoiding until now. She knew fully well that she had to hurry if she wanted to see Wei Wuxian awake, he had been conscious only for several moments last time and it was entirely possible that he was sleeping by now.

Yes, perhaps she should wait for the next time he would be awake and in a good mood before coming in front of him and causing him to panic and blame himself. Or perhaps it would be better if she waited until he would heal completely? After all, she would not forgive herself if she would hinder his recovery. It was already hard for him as it was.

Her legs made a step back from the door, completely on their own. She realized that she was unconsciously stalling for time, hoping that when she would finally make up her mind and go see her child, Wei Wuxian would not be awake anymore.

She sighed loudly. When had she become such a coward? When had she started being afraid to face her own children?

She actually slapped her cheek this time, hard. She had to take hold of herself. It would do no one any good if she would collapse just like this. Her son needed her to apologize to him and at last be his mother figure if he would allow her to repent for all the hurt she had caused him over the years.

She willed herself to stop thinking so hard and to finally step out of the room. Her steps were hesitant in the beginning but as she was approaching Wei Wuxian's room, she was walking more and more confidently. No, she would not hide from this anymore, she had to face the consequences of her acts from her son's hands.

She stopped in front of the guarded door and hesitated just for a moment before knocking on it feather-light and entering without waiting for a reply.

Her heart made a somersault when she saw Wei Wuxian laying in the bed, his eyes closed. She felt guilty when all she knew was immense relief that she would not have to talk to him right now and see him unhappy and afraid of her. She really wanted to first speak with him just the two of them, she did not need any audience for this.

Jiang Fengmian who was sitting by the boy's side lifted his head and smiled at her tiredly. He looked just as old as his age would suggest for once, it was pretty unusual. His eyes were suspiciously red as if he had been crying. And when she was talking about reddened eyes, she noticed that Wei Wuxian's were the same.

"How is he?" she managed to whisper after a long silence.

"Just as we had feared," was her husband's only response as he bowed his head lower. His voice was tired and sad and it hurt Yu Ziyuan to see him this way. He needed to rest and come to terms with his thoughts it would seem.

"Go have some rest. I will stay with him."

Jiang Fengmian rose slowly, his whole body suggesting that he was in fact in pain. Yu Ziyuan knew it was more of a mental thing than a physical one but she still almost went to him to support him. Almost. Then she threw all the decorum out of the window, there was no one to see them right now and even if there was, she would not care.

She closed the distance between them in just two steps and took her husband's hand into her own. Jiang Fengmian looked at her and drew her closer to him and she snuggled for a brief moment against his chest. He kissed her forehead and then he was gone and Yu Ziyuan was left alone in Wei Wuxian's room.

She sat down by the bed and waited, both hoping and not hoping for the boy to wake up soon.