Russian Requiem (Book 2 of RR Trilogy)

Requiem #28

Chapter 28

(Funeral)

As expected, I heard his very painful cries again. He broke down again. Nanatili lamang akong nakayakap sa kanya habang nakasandal ang kanyang ulo sa aking dibdib. Hindi ko mapigilan maging sarili kong mga luha, dahil sa iyak ni Clade at dahil sa sulat ni dad.

The letter is very overwhelming and heart-wrenching. Anyone who knows dad and knows that he died, will never escape the pain the letter brings.

Sa gitna ng paghagulgol ni Clade ay nagsalita siya. "He never told me those things in person... Fuck! Why would he tell me about them in a letter after he died?!"

"Shh..." I whispered. "It's okay. You can bring out all the pain, I will take them all."

"I wish he told me those things while he was still alive! I want my dad back..." parang batang sambit niya. "What if I answered his calls before he died? Will something change then? I have so many regrets. I have so many what-could-have-beens. I want to turn back time and do my duties as a son to him," he kept his voice firm, even though he is crying too much.

Right. Regret is the worst feeling anyone can ever have in this life. It is a traitor. It comes at the end, when everything is already done and ruined. When you cannot turn back time to right your wrong.

"You still did a good job being his son," alu ko. "You took care of him after your revenge, right?"

Umiling siya ng paulit-ulit. Tila hindi niya matanggap sa sarili ang lahat. "He wanted to be a father to me when I was young. He wanted that so much, but I never gave him a chance. I only made him someone who provides my needs and when I finally became independent, I left him just like that. Is that what you call a good son?"

Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin. Sobrang mugto ng kanyang mga mata. Hindi mo maipinta ang kanyang ekspresyon dahil labis itong masakit tingnan.

"What makes his letter more painful... is the fact that he died in that way without knowing who made it happen." Makahulugang aniya. "If he knew, he would be so heartbroken."

"What do you mean?" I asked through my tears.

Marahas siyang umiling, may kaakibat na galit. Nakatitig siya sa sahig habang umiiyak pa rin ngunit may halong poot ang titig na iyon.

I couldn't get it. What is he talking about?

"I don't deserve dad... I never deserved him and I never will." Malamig niyang saad.

"Don't say that."

He heaved a heavy sigh. "His misfortune started when he saved me from that massacre. Poor him. He still somehow died because of me despite of all the good things he did."

Hindi ko na siya nabigyan ng comfort dahil mabilis siyang kumalas sa aking yakap. Nanatili ang malamig niyang ekspresyon kahit pa nakatingin sa akin. He stood up and walked straight into the bathroom and shut the door close.