With or without you

Chapter 1

"Come on Tess, I know it hurts, but you can't shut down. Not again. Christmas break is over. School starts tomorrow." He's right. I can't do this again. I can't just shut down. I can't just fall into myself, but at the same time, I feel like I'm drowning. Grayson stared at me. I know he doesn't understand. It's okay though, he's trying. I didn't say anything, I couldn't. I just turned and looked out the window. If this were a movie it would be raining, but it's not a movie. It's life. It's fucked up and its real. I looked up to see Gray staring at me in the reflection of the window. His faced turned from one of concern to one of confusion.

"Tess, if you're still in love with her, why did you all break up?" I felt like this feeling was going to drown me, so much so that I couldn't talk. I felt a tear roll down my cheek. I wiped it away. Gray's never seen me cry before, but I couldn't stop the tears that followed. I looked down at my rings. I couldn't look at him, I was too afraid to find out what would happen if I did.

"Tessa?" He said again. His voice was soft and almost pleading. I saw another tear fall on my hand.

"We didn't have a choice." There's no other reason than that. We had to. We didn't have a choice. But even still. I don't know if I can move on from this. From her. Grayson just put his hand on my head and moved his thumb back and forth a bit.

"I'd better get you home. It's already going to be 2 in the morning." I nodded. I didn't want to talk about it anymore, not that we'd really spoken about it. I stared at my hands the entire drive; twisting my ring back and forth, trying to make it stop. Trying to make this feeling go away. Trying to stop crying. It was no use though, the tears kept flowing despite my best efforts to make them stop. Grayson let me play the same sad song over and over. I could feel the emptiness starting to take over. The helplessness. The same feeling I got when I shut down after everything happened.

Grayson pulled into my drive way and just looked at me. I didn't want to be in the car any longer than I had to. I didn't want to sit in my driveway and have a long conversation about what had happened. I didn't want to talk about everything like we normally do. This isn't like any of those other nights. This is excruciating. Its suffocating. I just want this night to be over. I got out of the car and hesitated for a second before I looked back at the seat and said

"Thanks." I didn't wait around long enough for him to say anything, so I closed the door. I watched as he drove down the street and pulled into his own drive way. I stood there a while longer and watched as he opened his window and snuck back into his own house. I stayed there in the driveway staring at the street for a couple more minutes. It felt as though there were a shadow, taking over my mind, clouding out the light so that everything was, dark.

Standing there I hadn't realized I was shivering from the cold until a white cat with gray tiger stripes walked up and startled me from my empty trance. He stared at me with his cold blue eyes, while tears were still running down my own. As I looked at him I wondered if he felt the cold as I did. If he too felt that the cold was something that was all encompassing, taking over every fiber in his body. I was still staring when he started walking away. Once I'd noticed how cold I was, it was hard to ignore it, so I started for the front door. The door made no noise as I crept inside. Tears were still flowing freely from my eyes. I couldn't get them to stop. It's like every breath I took brought on a new set of tears. All the lights in the house were off except for the light coming from the TV. As it lit up from the movement of the show I could see my mom asleep on the couch. She had been waiting for me. I wiped my face and tried to pull myself together for the next few minutes. I softly walked over to her and shook her leg.

"Mom." My voice came out quiet and broken, she was too asleep to notice though.

"Why are you home so late?" She was already getting comfortable on the couch again.

"I was with Grayson." I shook her leg once more.

"Go to sleep." I said. Just saying the words hurt. Trying to speak felt too difficult.

"Okay. Goodnight my love." I gave her a kiss on the cheek and went to my own room. When I turned the lights on I looked at the chaos that was my room. I laughed from the irony. My room is usually always clean. I waded through the clean clothes that had been thrown around the room then changed into my pajamas and got in bed. Laying there in my bed was agonizing. There were no sounds, nothing but silence around me. The silence gave my thoughts the chance to roam free. They would come slowly, then all at once. It wasn't until I started fixating that I truly felt helpless. The memory from just a few hours ago was running through my mind, over and over. It's funny. Moments become memories, and memories become stories. I don't know if I'll ever tell anyone this story though. I was startled from my own thoughts when I heard my mom shuffling through the hall to go to bed. I laid there for what seemed like an eternity until I finally fell asleep.

                                                               -------------------------------------

The next morning, I felt as though my mind woke up before my body. I felt the crushing pain of heartache before my eyes even opened that morning. It was heavy and painful. Reluctantly I opened my eyes and checked my phone to see the time. I'd woken up 45 minutes before my alarm clock. Laying there I thought about everything that had happened. I felt the tears start to break loose. Who had given them permission to fall, I don't know. But nonetheless they were, and it took a lot for me to make them stop.

I wiped my eyes and went to my bathroom to brush my teeth. I didn't feel like putting my contacts in, so I decided to wear my glasses for the day. I reached for the case, but as I did I got a flash of a memory. It was of last summer. It was the first time I'd worn them in front of her. She had come to pick me up so that we could go into town to meet up with some friends. When I got in the car she just stared at me. I couldn't read the look on her face. I started to get embarrassed for no reason other than the fact that she was staring at me. I've never felt as vulnerable with anyone else as I did with her. I wanted more than anything for her to like me. In my own uncomfortableness I asked,

"What?" She just stared at me and smiled.

"You wear glasses?"

"Yeah. I don't wear them a lot though. They make me look dorky." I said as I started to fidget with them.

"I think you look beautiful with them." She had said.

I opened the case, put them on, and stared at myself in the mirror. Everything hurt. I didn't know if I'd be able to speak without breaking down. I texted Gray that he could drive today and that we should leave early. He text back immediately and said that he would be outside in 5 minutes.

I'm grateful for Gray. He's been my best friend since he and his family moved in back in the 6th grade. He didn't move from out of state or anything, he just moved across town. I had always seen him in class or around the school but I never imagined talking to him. He was part of the jock crowd. In other words, he was popular, still is actually. He plays all the sports, and still keeps up with his grades. Most people in school think that we're dating, have dated, or will date, but he and I would never even think about it. Not only because he's like my brother but because I don't like boys as much as I like girls. I'm not quite sure how he and I became friends in the first place. It was like one day we were suddenly best friends, and that it had always been that way.

I snuck out of the house, careful not to run into anyone in my family and walked to the end of my driveway to wait for Gray. I didn't want to talk to them, or anyone really. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I could have just stayed home, said I was sick or something, but then I would have hours upon hours of nothing to do but think. At least at school I would have some distraction. The only problem would be that there's a high probability that I will run into her at some point. At least I have Gray in almost all of my classes.

He pulled up and I got in his car. When he looked at me he smiled and put his hand on my head again, then moved his thumb back and forth. I gave him a tired and forced smile to which he just removed his hand and said

"I like this look." I just breathed out a bit and looked ahead at the road as he started to drive. I looked out the window, same as I did last night, and looked at the sky. A cold front came in last night, so it's a cold day, but the sun is out. I hope she's okay. She hates the cold.