With or without you

Chapter 49

"I like it when you sleep over." She'd said. I looked up at her ceiling while she positioned her body closer to mine. I felt her pull at my arm for me to move it so she could lay on me with her leg crossed over mine.

"Yeah, I like it too." I felt every micromovement she made. I loved it. I remember feeling her chest rise and fall against my side.

"What'd you tell your parents?"

"What do you mean?"

"Usually it takes you a few days to let me know if I can stay the night, this time everything happened today, like we didn't have to wait."

"I think they're just getting used to you being here all the time. It was the same way when Charlotte and the girls started staying over for the first few times." I audibly groaned when I heard Charlottes name.

"Don't be like that. They're still my friends."

"Are they really though?" I felt her tense up just a bit.

"They're not as bad as you think they are."

"Mmm."

"What?" she questioned. I could feel her getting defensive. At the start of our relationship she would get very defensive about her so-called friends. I don't think it was because she wanted to actually defend them, but at that time she'd known them longer and felt some need to stand up for them. I can't say for sure. When it came to them I tried my best to not talk about them since the truth is, half the time it'd end in an argument because they were in fact her 'friends'. At first her friends were tolerable. It's true they still didn't treat her amazingly but they weren't as bad in the beginning. A part of me feels like when she and I started secretly dating she started to be more confident in herself, and she stopped letting them walk all over her, and they didn't like that, but what do I know.

"Nothing."

"No. Say it. Say what you were thinking." Her tone was agitated.

"I just don't like the way they treat you. And I know I'm biased but I don't know. I think you are amazing, and you are so kind and so much more than they make you feel. I just don't like that they make you feel like you're constantly having to fight for some position in their friend group. Everyone knows you're the best one out of their friend group." She laughed and started twirling my shirt around her finger.

"I don't think everyone knows that."

"They do. It doesn't take much effort to see that you're different from them. You pretend like you don't care about what people think or about people, but you do. Everyone can see it." She stayed quiet.

"Sorry, I'm talking a lot." I felt a hint of embarrassment from everything I'd just said. The words just fell out.

"I wish I'd found you sooner."

"I'm here now."

"I feel like you're the only person who has ever seen me." I sat up at this and turned to my side to face her. The look in her eyes showed me that what she'd said is true. Everyone looks at her, everyone sees what they want to see, but beyond that I don't know if anyone had ever actually tried to get to know her for who she is. She's stubborn, and she has a mouth on her but she doesn't ever say the things she's thinking. She plays her part and does what she's told without realizing that she's been drowning trying to be everything for everyone else. I didn't know then that that would be our downfall.

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Monday morning, I felt like everyone knew what had happened. I felt like the story was written on my body and everyone was reading me as I walked by them. Gray and I walked through the halls together like we always did. While we walked through the halls I realized something.

"Oh god."

"What?"

"You don't think Austin thinks that I'm in love with you, do you?" Gray laughed out loud.

"Why would he think that?"

"Because I told him I'm in love with someone else and I didn't tell him who, or like that she's a she."

"Well if he has any beef with me he can talk to me about it, but I doubt he actually thinks its me."

"Everyone always thinks it's you Gray." I sighed.

"That's just because you're secretly in love with me and you don't want to admit it." I shoved him a bit.

"That is so not true."

I've been thinking about her constantly, relentlessly, effortlessly. I've kept one headphone in all throughout the day because I just can't seem to pay attention. To get my brain to try and focus on something else I'd been scribbling my favorite lyrics from different songs I'd been listening to all over my papers. I haven't spoken with her since that day. I haven't even really seen her aside from the few times she saw me with Austin. Part of me feels like she purposely took a different route to class so she wouldn't see us. Soccer is in full swing now though so I'm sure she's been busy. She always puts so much pressure on herself, I hope she hasn't been pushing herself too hard.

"Tess!" I heard Gray whisper loudly.

"What?"

"I've been talking to you for like five minutes already and you haven't heard a word I said."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"What have you been thinking about?" I gave him a look that said 'do you really have to ask'. He rolled his eyes at me.

"She must have been really good in bed for you to be this hung-up." I slapped his arm hoping no one heard him, then realized that the slap caused more attention to be drawn than his comment.

"I can't get her out of my head. I know I should probably be worried more about him and about how he feels but I just, I don't, all I want is to call her and tell her that he and I are done."

"Tess you've been going back and forth about this for days now. I don't get why you don't just text her." I looked down at the paper in front of me that had song lyrics scribbled all over it.

"I'm scared. I already told you. She wouldn't even look at me that day after the party."

"Well, stop being a pussy." I rested my head on the desk and let out a sigh.

"Do you think she still thinks about me?" I mumbled into the desk.

"Yeah. Probably just as much as you think about her." I reached my hand out in front of me and grabbed Grays arm.

"I love you Gray."

"Love you too." He paused.

"Now get up and do our homework."