With or without you

Chapter 3

"I can't be here." I felt everything in my body stop. I turned around and walked away as fast as I could from the feelings that I felt were chasing me. I waded through so many people, trying to get away from them. Trying to flee, trying to just make all the noise, all the people, all of it just stop. I rounded a corner and walked into the auditorium. I dropped my backpack on the floor once I had walked in. I looked around and made sure there was no one in here, there wasn't. I ran my fingers through my hair and turned around when I heard someone behind me. It was Gray, he was closing the door to the auditorium. I sat down on the floor and rested my head against my knees and started crying, and with it came the annoying breathlessness of sobbing uncontrollably. It was all I could do though. I felt so empty. Without her, I feel like I just stopped existing.

Gray walked over to me and sat down in front of me. The toes of our shoes were touching. As I breathed in an out, tears kept falling. They were endless and ruthless, but nonetheless they were proof that I felt something. They were proof that our relationship had meant something to me. Every good memory was running through my head. The first time we kissed, the first time we held hands, the first time she told me she loved me, but through all the good, the bad memories still lurked in the shadows of my mind. How could all of it have been for nothing? It was something to me. All of the memories, all the good, all the bad. They meant something to me, but when I looked in her eyes, it's like there was nothing in them. It was like she'd forgotten all about me, but then I remembered. She's a great actress.

I looked up at Gray after what felt like an eternity of tears, and wiped my face. He just smiled and put his hand on my head. Gray wasn't good at showing emotion, or ever really understanding how I felt, but he always tried, and he always listened when I needed him to.

"You okay?" he asked after I had composed myself a bit.

"Yeah." I breathed out.

"Come one. Let's get out of here." He reached down and picked me up. I watched as he grabbed both of our backpacks and then extended his hand for me to take. I took it and we walked out of the auditorium like that. Holding hands as we walked down the hall, I had my head down hoping no one could tell that I'd been crying. I didn't care what anyone might think or say about us. It wasn't anything new. No one knew about me and her. Maybe that's why it was so easy for her to fall back into her old routine with her old shitty friends. What could I do though? As far as everyone else was concerned, her and I were nothing, and now, now we really were nothing.

                                                               ------------------------------------

I sat in the bleachers watching Gray and his teammates run back and forth on the court during practice. I've never truly understood basketball. I know that you're trying to get the ball in the hoop, but why? What's the point in subjecting yourself to the stress of having to fight for something so hard when whether you win or lose, it's all going to end. Maybe I'm just being pessimistic, but maybe I'm not. For as long as I can remember I would always sit in these bleachers alone to watch Grays games and practices. I always went though. Gray is my best friend, so of course I went. Now though, it just hurts to be alone again. Now it just feels like a reminder of what I lost.

"Let's go Gray!!" she had screamed. I was never the type to yell or scream, it just wasn't in my nature. She was the opposite of me though, she was bright and vibrant and loud and sometimes even obnoxious.

"Come on Tess, stand up and cheer with me." She said as she pulled at my hand to get up. I did as I was told and stood up so I could help her hold the giant sign she had forced me to help her make. I wasn't paying attention to what was happening on the court. I could only see her. She had my full attention, she always did. I felt the crowd grow quiet so I looked at the court to see Gray at the free throw line. When I looked at the score I realized why the crowd was quiet. There was only 10 second on the clock and the score was 62-61 with them ahead. I was waiting with anticipation to see if he would make the shot. He lined up his feet, the same way he always does when he shoots free-throws, and shot the first shot. He made it. The whole room let out a breath of relief, but then held their breath again as he received the ball again to shoot his second shot. As he was lining up his feet I felt her grab my hand. I looked down to see our hands wrapped around each other, and then up at her. Her hands were warm. She was so focused on Gray that she didn't notice me blushing because of the fact that she was holding my hand. When Gray missed the shot everyone screamed, her included. We all watched as his teammate jumped up, grabbed the ball and then made it in the basket. The entire crowd erupted with ecstatic cheers.

"We won!" she screamed at me. She then wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into her. I let myself hug her back. In that moment I felt like we were the only two people in the entire gym. Her hands slid down my back just for a second before she pulled away and stared right through me. I saw her smile, then she turned back towards the court and screamed at the top of her lungs. I felt myself smile.

"Why are you smiling like that you dork?" Gray asked. I just looked at him. Once I realized where I was I felt my smile fade.

"Nothing." Gray shrugged his shoulders, picked up my backpack and said

"Okay, let's go home then."

"Okay."