With or without you

Chapter 11

Pulling out of her drive way hurt. It felt the same way it did the night we ended things, except that this time, this time I was angry too. I'm angry because no matter what I will always love her. Before her there was nothing, and after her all that's left is chaos. I feel broken and angry and exhausted, but despite all that I still feel love. I am in love with her.

After I left her house I decided to check Gray's location, I didn't want to go home just yet. He was still at the party, so I texted him and told him I was going to pick him up. He just sent back a thumb's up emoji. As I drove I didn't know if I wanted to cry or scream or both. Everything is so confusing right now. I could still see her walking back up to her door tonight. Before, when I would drop her off, she would always, always turn around and give me this secret sign that only we knew what it meant. She would hold up one finger, then four, then three. It's obvious what it meant. But to us, it was something only we knew. It's been twice now that she hasn't done it. Twice that I watched her walk into the house and not hesitate or even bother to turn around.

"I don't get it." I said as she just looked at me.

"What? How? Here I'll do it again." I watched as she did it again. She held up one finger, then four, then three.

"Do you get it now?" I could tell the confusion on my face told her I did not because then she just started laughing. She crawled over to my side of the bed and got really close to me. She put her hand over my ear and then whispered

"It means I. Love. You." She said as she did the motion again with her hands. I felt myself start to blush.

"Oh." This was the first time she'd ever told me that, and in that moment, I knew that the feeling wasn't one sided. She pulled back from my ear and stared at me. I could feel her holding her breath. I picked up my hand and did one finger, then four, then three. The smile on her face when I did that, it made me feel a way that I'd only read about in books, and seen in movies. I couldn't explain in words how it made me feel. It made me feel like I was finally being seen, like someone finally understood me, all of me, and I understood them. Like we could read each other's mind, like we were connected in a way that no one would ever understand. She then traced her fingers along my cheek and slowly leaned into me and placed her lips on mine. Her lips were soft and gentle and loving. I could feel all of her love flowing through this one kiss. I could feel her. When she pulled back we locked eyes and just stayed like that for a second before I said

"So, is that our thing now?" she nodded her head and blushed.

Pulling up to the party again made me snap out of my daydream. Made me snap back into the reality where she isn't mine anymore. I called Gray and told him I was outside, and before I even hung up with him he was already outside walking to me. I could tell by the way he was stumbling around that he was very drunk. When he got in the car he just looked at me and smiled.

"You get laid or what?" I just laughed at him. God, I hate him sometimes.

"No Gray I did not get laid."

"Shame. I got a blow job from Kaylie Sumner."

"I need a blow job." I laughed.

"Fuck yes you do!" he screamed. I just laughed again.

"Where are we going?"

"McDonald's. We need coffee to sober you up."

"BOOOOO!" he yelled.

"Can I have chicken nuggies at least?"

"Yes, Gray we can get chicken nuggies." Once we got to McDonald's and I got him coffee and some chicken nuggets he finally calmed down a bit and started to sober up.

"So what happened with her and Charlette" As I thought about it I realized that I hadn't even asked what their argument was about. I didn't really need to though. Charlette was always trying to be queen B of their little group, but the thing is everyone loved her more. Because she's kind and smart and beautiful, and Charlette, well, Charlette's a bitch.

"Don't know. I didn't ask. Probably the same thing that always happens."

"Charlette started trying to hit on Austin as soon as you left. He didn't give a shit though." I laughed as I thought of her getting shot down by Austin.

"How was Kaylie's blow job?" I questioned with a devilish grin.

"It was alright. She was trying to be too hard of a porn star and I was not into that."

"Yeah she seems like the type." I looked down at the table and started thinking.

"You alright?"

"Not really."

"Want a chicken nuggie?" he waived it around in front of me until I took it and ate it. Gray and I sat there for about an hour. We didn't talk about her. I didn't want to. I couldn't get my thoughts in order. I just kept thinking about her. After Gray started getting sleepy I decided to take him home. Since we were in his car I parked the car at his house, got him inside and into bed, then walked back to my house. The walk was short, but cold. Since its January it's still freezing outside. The news says it might snow. I don't know about that, but it's a nice thought. I don't hate the cold as much as she does, but I still don't like it all that much. As I got closer to my house I saw him. The blue-eyed cat. He was staring at me again. This time he started walking towards me. I kneeled down and put my hand out for him to smell. He rubbed his head against my hand and then looked at me. I stood up and then started walking towards my house. He followed me up to the door. Once opened it though, he ran off. I snuck inside and quietly walked to my room. My mom wasn't waiting for me on the couch this time. I didn't bother showering. I just changed then tried to go to sleep. It felt like hours before finally got to sleep.