With or without you

Chapter 41

"You ready?"

"No." I said truthfully.

"Too bad." Gray said as he turned the car off and opened the door to get out. I grabbed my backpack and opened the door. I followed Gray to the school and tried to keep my head down. Before we even reached the steps of the school I heard someone calling us. I turned around to see Austin running after us.

"Hey guys." He said once he'd caught up to us. Gray and Austin said hi then Austin turned to me.

"Are you feeling better Tess?" I had told him I wasn't feeling too good yesterday while we were texting.

"Yeah. A lot better."

"That's good, that's good." With that we all stated walking into the school. Even though Gray and I have first period together, he said that he needed to go 'take care of something' before class started, so he left me and Austin alone.

"So, about that date..." Austin started once Gray had left. I didn't want to think about going on a date with him. I didn't want to think about going on a date with anyone right now, but I can't let him or anyone else notice just how broken I really am.

"What about it?" I asked trying to sound even remotely interested.

"I was wondering if maybe you'd want to go to a movie or get something to eat on Saturday?" I didn't say anything right away, and I guess he took that as a bad sign so he kept talking.

"Or we could go play mini golf, or bowling maybe?" I looked over at him to see just how red his cheeks were. It kind of made me smile.

"A movie sounds great." It was the only option that involved minimal to no talking, not that I minded talking to Austin all that much. I've never had a long one on one conversation with Austin, well in person at least.

"Really?" He was grinning from ear to ear. I did my best to return the smile, but I feel like it came out forced. Austin didn't notice, Gray would be kicking me right now if he saw it. She would have noticed it too. But Austin didn't. He doesn't know me well enough. Maybe that's not such a bad thing.

"Yes. It sounds fun." Austin smiled then kept walking forward. He walked me to my first period. The goodbye was a bit awkward, like he didn't know whether to hug me or what. He ended up giving me an awkward little wave and then scurried off. When I walked into class Gray was already waiting for me with an enormous, idiotic grin.

"Shut up Gray."

"I didn't even say anything."

"Your face said it all."

"My face did nothing wrong."

After class Gray and I were already walking out the door when I saw Austin walking towards us. I'm not sure I like this. I'm not sure if I like that he's already trying to constantly be here. Is this going to be a regular thing?

"I think someone likes you."

"Shut up Gray." Austin ended up walking me to all my classes, and since Gray and I have almost all the same classes, he walked Gray and I to all our classes. I felt myself looking around for her through every passing period. Austin made it hard to really focus on looking for her because he kept talking to me. I wasn't really getting annoyed, but I didn't like that I didn't have a moment to myself to just think. During class if I wasn't working on the papers they'd give us Gray would just keep talking to me, and now during passing periods Austin and Gray both were talking to me. I know Gray is just doing what he thinks is best, pushing me towards Austin, not letting me fall into my head, but I need to figure this out on my own. Not by doing what he wants. Before 5th period Gray and Austin were both walking with me to our class. On the way there though I started to feel like I was getting smothered by them.

"I'm going to go to the bathroom." I left before either of them could say anything. I walked into the bathroom and set my stuff down on the ground. I stood in front of the mirror and just looked at myself. I don't even recognize myself. My eyes are dead and lifeless. I tried to smile, but it came out stiff and fake. I washed my hands and just let the water fall over them. I picked up my backpack and started to walk out, the bell had already rang meaning I'm late. Right when I was about to pull the handle for the door someone on the other side pulled the door open.

"Awe, hi Tessy." Charlette laughed. I didn't say anything. I gave her my best 'I'm great' smile, I've gotten good at that smile.

"Hi Charles." I then walked out. I can't stand Charlette, but she's not the one who screwed everything up with me and Riley. I am. I screwed this all up. It's my fault. I kept my head down and walked back to my class. I don't know if I passed her, I might have, I didn't let myself look up. I couldn't. I don't think I passed her though. Normally when she's around I know. It's a weird thing, but I always know.

Watching Gray's practice my mind just kept going in circles. I wondered where she was. Is she still friends with Charlette? I wonder if she stayed with them. With her little group. Knowing her she's pretending like everything is fine. Holding back the tears, smiling that fake smile that everyone believes. I've heard people actually compliment her smile, the fake one. The one that she puts on to everyone else so that they won't see just how much she's hurting. She's always been good at hiding her feelings, I'm not. I can't hide the way I feel, being distracted helps, but I can't pretend the way. I can't pretend like absolutely nothing is wrong when I feel like I'm falling apart.

Does Charlette know about us? Does she have proof? Or some way of absolutely knowing that Riley and I were dating? I know Charlette wants to be queen b. She wants everyone in the school to think that she's the shit. That she's the one who is in charge of their little group, but no matter what she's done, Riley has always been the one that everyone likes better. Last year Charlette and Riley were both up for homecoming queen. Riley won. After the dance Charlette went out of her way to 'put Riley in her place'. Riley didn't get into the details of exactly what happened but I'm assuming it wasn't good.

Austin kept texting me. I know he means well, but I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can date him, and now I'm supposed to go on a date with him this weekend. Gray has an out of town game on Friday. I want to go. Maybe I should just drive with him to the game like he had offered to. I know he'll say yes. I just don't know if it's a smart idea. I don't know what to do anymore. She wants nothing to do with me. I don't blame her for that though. What do I do now?