With or without you

Chapter 51

"I'm just tired." She'd said. I knew she was lying, I always knew when she was lying. She sat down on my bed and then laid down facing the wall.

"Are you sure?" I whispered. I could barely get the words out.

"Yeah." Her voice came out broken and sad. I didn't know what to do so I sat down next to her and pulled her so she would be laying in my lap, she did so but she wouldn't look at me. I ran my fingers through her hair as she laid there. A few second later I felt her breathing start to pick up. I looked down to see tears rolling down her face, and with it came the breathlessness of sobbing. I didn't know what to do, I'd never seen her cry like this before. I pulled her into me and let her cry. I didn't say a word because I didn't know what to say. I sat there holding onto her trying to let her know that I love her and that I'm here for her. When she'd calmed down enough she sat up, wiped her eyes and looked down at my bed sheets.

"I'm sorry." She's said.

"What's wrong Riley?"

"It's just too much. I'm so tired of being everything for everyone. I'm tired of being the person I am with the girls, I'm tired of my parents always making me feel like I'll never be good enough." She paused for a minute. She doesn't talk about her parents much.

"No matter what I do its never enough. I get all A's and they're wondering why my chemistry A is a ninety-four and not a hundred. I come home early from practice because coach lets us out early and they're asking why I didn't stay and finish the workout." She wiped some tears away.

"And then Charlotte is just ughhh Charlotte. I don't even know why I'm friends with them half the time." She looked up at me and put her hand on my cheek.

"I have you, and knowing that I feel like I don't need anyone else." I smiled at her. The thought made my heart feel warm but I knew it wasn't possible for her to only have me, that's why she still held onto them. Riley always has a plan, she always knows what she wants, and if she doesn't she figures it out pretty quick.

"You're all I need too." I said. The truth is at that time I did feel like she did, even if a part of me didn't believe it wholly. When I'm with her I feel like I'm invincible. Like nothing in the world can hurt us. The rest of the time I feel so insecure, I feel like I'm constantly just waiting for something to happen or I just don't feel, content. When I'm with her though, none of that affected me. Truth is though, I didn't know she was dealing with all of this so strongly. I knew about the girls. I knew how they treated her and I hated it, but I didn't know the full extent of how her parents made her feel. I'd only met them a few times because she'd made it a point to keep me away from them. They're nice people, but they didn't know she was dating me, they didn't know she was into girls, and I think she didn't want me around them because neither of us could act like we were just friends. So many times, I'd accidentally called her babe in front of people I shouldn't have, playing it off like I called everyone babe when I don't. So many times she's grabbed my hand instinctually in front of people, letting go as soon as she'd realize she'd grabbed it.

"I just want everything to stop. Sometimes it feels like everything is moving too fast and too slow all at once." This was on par with Riley's personality also. Riley had two speeds, max power or not moving. She was constantly moving, constantly going and she would go until she couldn't anymore. In soccer she would run so hard, move so fast, play so fully that by the end of it she could barely move. She pushed herself to the absolute max constantly for people who showed no gratitude, no appreciation for all her efforts. I paused for a second, looking for the right words before I spoke.

"You don't have to be anyone other than yourself with me, I'm so in love with who you are, not with who everyone wants you to be." More tears fell down her face as she wrapped her arms around me and buried her face in my neck.

"I know that. And that's why I love you so much." She laid on me a while longer until eventually she fell asleep from the exhaustion of emotions overflowing. Riley wasn't good at talking about things, she didn't like to talk about the things that bothered her, at least at first. I have to talk about things. I need the clarification, I need the communication. I didn't let her shut down, I didn't let her bottle the things she was feeling until they consumed her. Once she realized that she could talk to me about the way she was feeling and that being vulnerable with someone wasn't a sin, she started to talk more, started to open up.

I watched as she slept, watched her rib cage collapse and expand as she breathed in and out. I remember thinking that I couldn't live without her. For as much as I saved her, she saved me right back. She's the only person that makes me feel safe, sane, seen.