With or without you

Chapter 52

I watched as her hair swung back and forth as she ran back to the field, waiting for some cue that it was time for me to leave. I got that cue when I caught a glimpse of Charlottes friend on the field. If I'm being honest I can't even remember her name right now. I sauntered back to the gym, eyes foggy, my brain swirling with thoughts, and emotions constricting my chest. I kept having to remind myself to put one foot in front of the other.

I've been silently waiting for this since even before I broke up with Austin. Waiting for the chance to be in her presence, to have her full attention, to talk to her. I had been secretly preparing for this, making a list in my mind of all the topics I want to talk to her about, all the words I wanted to say but never got the chance too, but when she spoke to me, when she said she wanted to talk, all of those thoughts completely disappeared and were nowhere to be found. Like someone deleted all my files.

I pulled open the gymnasium doors and was taken aback by how heavy they felt in this moment. With my head down and my eyes glued to my shoes I made my way up to the bleachers. For the next hour or so I stared at the gym floor, watching as some of the boys came into my view every once in a while, my eyes stayed on the school's logo that was planted in the middle of the basketball court. A circle with some bird in the middle. After a while I didn't have any thoughts in my head, only this feeling in my chest, a little hope, a lot worry. When the feeling in my chest started to become overwhelming I started singing the lyrics to some of the sad songs I've been listening to on repeat for the past week or so. I was so lost in my own body and mind that I didn't even notice that the boys had finished practice. It wasn't until Gray came and started waving his hand in my face that I snapped out of it.

"Earth to Tess, Earth to Tess." I blinked a few times from surprise and then looked at him.

"Dude what is with you?" Gray had already changed into his normal sweatpants and hoodie. Guess I'd been staring longer than I'd realized.

"I talked to Riley." Gray let out a loud groan that echoed through the gym.

"What did she want." He said while setting his stuff down on the bleachers then took a seat next to me.

"To talk."

"Is this a good idea?"

"Probably not."

"You're going to do it anyways aren't you?"

"Yeah." Another echoing groan. He abruptly stood and grabbed our backpacks.

"Come on. I'll drive you to the track. She's probably getting out by now." I followed him down the bleachers and out the doors. What am I going to say to her? This is probably a bad idea. She's probably going to tell me that she loves me but still can't be with me. I don't know if I can take that again. I can't take this back and forth. It hurts too much. It hurts constantly getting my hopes up only to be told I'm not good enough, and that she can't choose me. I never thought I'd be this girl. The one begging someone else to be with me, the pick me girl. You never know who you are or how you'll react to something until you're actually in the shit.

We sat in the car waiting for the soccer girls to come out of the dome/locker room. Gray wasn't speaking much. He's made it very clear on how he feels about the situation, how he feels about Riley. Until you're actually with someone, until you are so wholly and fervently in love with someone, you don't understand the length you'll will go through to be with that person. A few of the girls started shuffling out to their cars, and of course, Riley was the last one out. Knowing her she probably wanted to avoid seeing Charlottes friend, whatever her name is, and waited till she knew she'd left. She finally came out a few minutes later. After she'd seen our car she started making her way over, and came up to my window on the passenger side. I rolled down the window, I didn't know how this was going to go down.