With or without you

Chapter 2

"So how you feeling?" Gray asked as he drove. Since we were early, and since I was heartbroken as he put it, he said he would buy us breakfast. I didn't complain. I couldn't really say a word to protest. The ride had been decently quiet with his music playing softly in the back ground, but now I guess he decided to start asking questions. I didn't tell him much of what had happened yesterday. I just called him in the middle of the night and asked him to pick me up.

"I'm okay." I knew that from my tone he understood that I still wasn't ready to talk, but at the same time I knew he wasn't going to let me wither into myself. I'm not good with words. When I start to feel a sort of way I just sort of go quiet. Sometimes it's okay, other times it's like I'm trapped in my head with no way out. After what Gray and I went through he kind of just knows that when things happen I stop talking. That's why last night he didn't ask any questions. He didn't ask me why I didn't have my car. He didn't ask me why I was crying. He didn't ask what had happened. He waited for me to catch my breath and then explain a little bit as to why I had called him. In the end all he asked was why. If I'm being honest though, I think that was the only question I couldn't answer. I had answers for any of the other questions, but not for why. I knew the reason, but it still just didn't make sense to me. Or maybe it was more that I didn't want to accept it.

"Alright so here's the game plan for today." He said after he parked the car in the school parking lot.

"We're gonna eat these donuts, then we're going to get off the car and go into the school. After that we're going to go to class, then we're going to go to our other classes, and after those I'm going to go to basketball practice and you're going to wait for me in the bleachers so I can keep an eye on you, and then after that, we're going to get food and go home. Sound good?"

"You forgot lunch." I sort of smiled, or tried to at least.

"Oh yeah okay so, in the middle of classes we're going to eat lunch. And for lunch we're going to get those chicken wrap things you like, with a water, I'll have an apple, you can have a banana or an orange."

"What if I want an apple?" I questioned.

"Well you can't have an apple because I want it and we can't both have apples because then we'd look like total weirdos." The conversation was making me laugh, but at the same time I still felt like the tears would fall at any second. Gray has always been good at this. When things get too serious he just starts to make me laugh. He'll do or say something funny and sarcastic and we'll keep it going too. One time he got a cut on his arm because of something that happened in football practice and we had a whole bunch of crazy stories worked out as to why and how he had gotten it. When people asked he would say he got it in Vietnam, or that he was wrestling a bear. One of the stories we came up with was that he was skydiving but landed in the middle of the ocean where he fought off a shark and had to swim for his life. He swam 10 miles to get back to the beach after he had beaten the shark and then when he got the beach he tripped and cut his arm on a piece of glass that was in the sand.

"Whatever you want Grayson." I looked down at my hands again and took a breath. I knew we'd have to go in soon. We had already finished eating and the bell would ring in the next 15 minutes. I didn't know if I could do it though. I sucked in another breath before I said

"What if I see her?" I heard Gray let out a sigh and then he put his hand back on my head.

"You probably will. But if and when you do, I'll be right next to you. Promise." I didn't look up at him. I nodded my head, and as I did one tear fell out. I closed the flood gates and wiped away the tear.

"Okay." I practically whispered.

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We had been in my car that night, sitting, staring at the water push back and forth. The midnight moon was shining bright over the water making it feel like a dream. The music in the background was soft and I could barely make out the words but I could still hear her humming the song. We had picked up food and decided to eat at the water front. So that's where we were. Sitting there, both of us buzzing with nervous energy. Both of us waiting to see who would move first.

Earlier in the day we had gone to a little coffee shop to study for a test. We were sitting opposite of each other. When we'd walked in, the shop was a bit crowded so we picked a small table in the back, but after we'd been there for an hour or two it cleared out. We stayed in the back though, at our small table, where it felt like it was just the two of us. I had my laptop in front of me. My left arm was resting on the table while my right was in my hair. I had been staring at my review and was understanding nothing. Right when I felt like I was about to give up I felt her link her index finger with mine. I looked up at her but she was reading her book, and wouldn't look up at me. As I sat there with her finger intertwined with mine I felt so many emotions start flowing through me.

I felt the same energy when I was in the car later. I inched my hand closer to hers and linked out index fingers the same way she had done to mine earlier. We sat there in silence, buzzing. Our food was at her feet in a bag getting cold but I didn't care. The only thing I cared about was getting closer to her. Getting her closer to me. The song changed and as it did I felt her intertwine all of her fingers with mine. I smiled at myself. I never thought I would be holding her hand. I never thought she would hold my hand back. I could feel goose bumps running up and down my arm. Just do it, I told myself. Over and over. When I finally got up the nerve I turned and looked at her. She turned to me and smiled a shy smile. I saw her look down at my lips, so I inched myself closer to her slowly. When I was right in front of her I looked down at our hands, when I looked back up though she was looking at me, with this look in her eyes. Like she wanted me to do it, so I did. I leaned into her and gently placed my lips on hers. I was terrified. I wondered if she changed her mind and maybe didn't want me to kiss her, but then I felt her start to kiss me back. Everything about that kiss felt perfect to me.

I came out of my memory when the bell rang and startled me so much I jumped. I turned to see Grayson looking at me. I could tell he had been watching me stare off into nothing for a while. He gave me a sad smile. I just said

"Sorry. I zoned out." I started packing up my papers.

"It happens." He shrugged.

"You didn't miss much. Just something about a president being shot I don't know." I laughed and rolled my eyes a bit.

"Which one?" I asked. He just shrugged again as he put his backpack on.

"The one with the tall hat I think."

"Oh, that was Washington, right?"

"Yes, that one." He joked.

"Alright. At least one of us was paying attention." When we turned the corner of the hall to go to our next class, that's when I saw her. She was talking to one of her friends. In that moment it felt like everything around me disappeared, and all I could see was her. I don't know how or why, but she turned to look in my direction. We held eye contact for just a second. When I looked in her eyes, there wasn't anything there. No hurt, no pain, no anger. They were just empty. The eyes of a stranger.