With or without you

Chapter 47

"I need to talk to you." I started. I've been acting weird for a week now, I know I have been, I just couldn't help it. Everything has felt wrong since the beginning, but now, it was just so overwhelming that I couldn't take it. Every time Austin would hold my hand I wouldn't let my fingers wrap around his, they would only fall lifeless around his hand. When he would kiss me, my mind would start thinking about her, I'd compare every movement his lips made and then get angry because they weren't hers. Every touch felt like a dull ache in my bones making my heart yearn for her more and more.

"What's going on?" I think he already knew what was coming, at least I hoped he did. We were sitting in his truck just listening to music. After we got out of school I was going to try and watch Gray's practice but Austin got to me before I could reach the gym, same way he has been doing for the past couple weeks.

"I just..." I couldn't speak. I've been wanting to do this for so long, and now, here, right now, I can't do it.

"You're breaking up with me."

"What?"

"It's okay Tess."

"Austin I'm sorry."

"Yeah, me too. This kind of sucks." I nodded my head. This does suck. If it weren't for her, if it weren't for me, Austin and I would probably have been happy together. He has been such an amazing boyfriend that I probably would have really fallen for him if my heart didn't already belong to her.

"Yeah I know, I'm sorry." I didn't want to look up. I couldn't tell if he was angry or sad or I don't know. I stayed quiet.

"I know, that you tried, you know, to be into me, but what was holding you back?" I looked down, around, anywhere but at him.

"I'm... I'm in love with someone else. I thought I could move on, but I couldn't." Austin took a breath.

"Oh okay, so I was the rebound."

"No, Austin, it wasn't like that." At this I looked up at him. His lips did this thing that made me feel like I was fucking everything up royally.

"It's cool Tess. I get it." The hurt in his eyes killed me. I didn't think it would but it did. Maybe this is all I'm good at, hurting people.

"I'm sorry Austin. I really didn't mean for any of this to turn out this way. I wasn't trying to use you to just get over someone." He stayed quiet for a moment, looking only at his steering wheel.

"Can I at least know who he is?" This question made me feel sick.

"I'm sorry, but I can't tell you..." I took a breath. At this his eyes got big and he turned to look at me.

"Why not?"

"It's all so complicated." I felt my hands cover my eyes and make their way through my hair. "I can't tell you who it is. I'm sorry." He looked up at the roof of the truck then let out a breath.

"I'm going to take you home now." We didn't speak the rest of the car ride. I stared out the window and did nothing but think about that night, and how similar it felt to this one. Broken hearts scattered around me, some caused by me, some not caused by me, but all of them having one thing in common, me.

He pulled up to my house and unlocked the door. I undid my seatbelt and started getting off the car. I opened the door, got down then paused.

"I'm sorry Austin."

"Goodbye Tess." I closed the door and started for my house. I heard him drive off, and when I knew he was gone I stopped in the middle of my drive way and looked up at the sky. The stars were out. I felt the aching cold in my chest again, but with it there was a small sense of relief. A small sense of freedom, because at least now, now I wasn't leading him on. I heard a faint noise coming behind me, I turned to see the cat again.

"You always seem to show up at the worst times." I said as I kneeled down and watched as he came closer to me.

"Or maybe you always come when I need you." I watched as he rubbed his body against my legs.

"I miss her a lot." Some purring followed.

"I just broke up with Austin, and the only thing I can think about is how much I want to call her. Is that wrong?" At this he put jumped up with his paws on my knee and rubbed his head into me.

"I don't know where to go from here."