With or without you

Chapter 10

When I turned back around Austin met my gaze and held it for a second. He took a drink out of his cup then set it down and stood up to come sit next to me. When he sat I could smell his cologne. It didn't smell bad. It actually smelled kind of good, but I still liked the way her perfume smelled better. I wondered if she was wearing it now? I didn't dare let myself look back at her though. I knew it would only hurt me more, so instead I focused on Austin who was sitting right next to me. Austin who I'd had a crush on since I was in middle school. Austin who has now decided that he likes me and thinks that I'm cute or something.

"Hey Tess." He smiled. I've seen this smile before. It's the smile boys give when they're trying to be cool. I couldn't read him. Before now I've never really had a conversation with him. Not that we've said anything very meaningful.

"Hi Austin."

"You look really good tonight."

"Oh, thanks." I don't know what to say. I'm terrible at making small talk. Mostly because I've never really had to do it, and the few times I have the other person usually carried the conversation. Or more commonly Gray is there and I don't really have to say much.

"I guess Gray probably told you I've been asking about you?" Over his shoulder I could see Gray giving me a stupid smile. He's definitely feeling what's in his cup right now. Him and the other boys were just sitting around the coffee table talking about who knows what. All I know is that they were all riling each other up.

"He mentioned that you asked about me." At this he looked like he almost got embarrassed. Like he was blushing almost. He then smiled.

"Yeah I wanted to talk to you directly, but I wasn't really sure if you and Gray were a thing so I figured it was best to talk to him first to make sure."

"Everyone thinks that we're together." I laughed

"So, I take it you are single?" I felt him scoot in closer to me. I hesitated before answering. For so long when people asked me this I would automatically say yes, even though I knew in the back of my mind that she was mine and that I was hers. Now saying it, and actually meaning it, well... that was new.

"Yes, I'm single." The words hurt to say. He didn't reply to this. He just kept staring at me. The look in his eyes was confusing. I didn't know what he wanted.

"Can I kiss you?" The question took me completely by surprise. He didn't even hesitate when he started to lean into me. I could smell the liquor on his breath. I was about to kiss him when I heard,

"Just leave me alone!" I knew the voice. I turned around to see her start walking away from Charlette. Charlette was trying to grab her and talk her down but that only made her angrier. I could see Charlette starting to get more aggressive with her. I could see the other two girls just standing behind them watching the scene unfold.

"I said leave me the fuck alone." She screamed. Without even thinking I got up and practically ran to her. When I arrived at the scene I stepped in between them. They had been saying something but I interrupted. I didn't say anything. I only stood between them and held eye contact with Charlette. She was glaring at me, but I wasn't going to back down.

"Fine. You deal with her." She said, and then walked off to the other two girls. I turned around and saw her looking down at the counter. I put my hand on her shoulder but she didn't look at me.

"I want to go home." She said.

"Okay. I'll be right back." She nodded her head. I walked back to the couch where Austin was sitting.

"I'm sorry I have to go." I looked up and saw Gray looking at me. He just mouthed 'go'. I nodded at him then walked back to her. Dylan was right next to Gray and he doesn't drink so I knew he would be okay getting home. I walked back to her and grabbed her hand.

"Come on. Let's go." She nodded and followed me as we walked. I didn't care who saw that she was holding my hand, but I knew she would so I let go almost as soon as I'd grabbed it. We walked to the car in silence. I opened the door for her so she could get in. As I sat down I started to get irritated. She knows better than to drink this much. After all those other times you'd think she'd have learned by now. I walked around the car and got into the driver's seat. She was sitting with her knees up on the seat and her head was leaning on the seat. I hoped to god she wouldn't throw up. We drove in silence the whole way there. I drove up to her house and parked. Neither of us moved when I put the car in park.

"I'm sorry." She mumbled. I paused before I said anything.

"Are you okay?" She nodded her head no.

"You were going to let him kiss you." I didn't say anything. I knew she was watching me. I think a part of me even wanted her to see. She walks around like nothing is wrong. Like we never even happened. But then she does this? I don't understand. What does she want from me? I didn't say anything for a while. I sat there staring at her house. So many times, I'd pick her up. I remember on the drives, even though it was only a 10-minute drive, it felt so long. Those 10 minutes were the only things separating me from her and they dragged on and would last forever. Then as soon as I'd pull up, and she would come out I would forget everything I was complaining about because as soon as she'd get in I could kiss her and forget about it all.

"I'm sorry." She mumbled again. She looked up at me and with her big sad eyes just stared at me. I felt my eyes soften as she stared.

"Yeah. Me too." I reached in and pulled her towards me. She was wearing the perfume I loved. We sat like that for a while. Just holding each other. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to pretend that I'm not in love with her. I don't know how to not run to her when Charlette is being a bitch. I don't know how not try and make things better. I don't know how not to love her.