With or without you

Chapter 46

Warning. Sensitive topics discussed in this chapter.

It's been three weeks since Grays' game. Since then Austin and I have actually started dating. If we're being honest I'm not quite sure how that happened. The night of Gray's game, after we congratulated Gray and were already heading back home, I told Austin straight up that I couldn't be in a relationship with him. I explained to him that I wasn't ready, that I had just gotten out of a relationship. I didn't tell him who with though, and he didn't ask. He was very understanding about it and said that we could just be friends, and for a while, we were. We were just friends for a while, he still walked me to my classes, and we still hung out every now and then but there was no touching, no kissing or anything like that. It all started very subtly. I don't know where things started to change but somewhere along the way we were holding hands again in the hall, then at some point he kissed me, and our hangouts started to feel more like dates, and then at that point everyone already thought we were together so I didn't fight it. He was even picking me up for school and taking me home, even though I had my own car, and despite the fact that I would still drive with Gray.

Austin had already become comfortable holding my hand in the halls. About a week after Grays game Austin was holding my hand in the hall again, but this time, this time I saw her. We made eye contact for a split second. Her eyes were grey, lifeless. I knew she had to have heard the talk about me and Austin but now I had given her confirmation.

After we started 'dating' officially everything started progressing. Austin and I hadn't gone all the way, I wasn't ready for that, but we had had some make out sessions and hands had been places, but nothing more than that. He's never forced me into anything, we've been hanging out a lot. Every time we would hang out at his house though, on the drive home, I would break down crying. It takes me about twelve minutes to get from his house to mine, but every time I would put on the same two songs that hit me right in the chest and knock the air out of me. Being with Austin felt like a distraction, like I was almost happy, just for a little bit. He was a band-aid that distracted me from the weight of my broken heart. Every time he would kiss me all I could think about was how it should be her lips. I could only think about how she would kiss me, or how she would run her fingers through my hair. Every time he grabbed my hand all I could think about was the size difference.

I haven't told Gray about how I've been feeling, or about how much I think about her. After his game I told him about what I told Austin, about how I couldn't jump into a relationship, that I just wasn't capable of it, but when I did, he got upset. We didn't fight or argue or yell, but I knew he was upset with me. I know he isn't trying to be a dick about my feelings for her, but he's tired of hearing about her, he's tired of me going back and forth. He was tired of me constantly talking about her and being sad over her, and because of that I haven't talked to him about how miserable I actually am.

I've thought about texting her. I've thought about calling, about just showing up at her house on my way home from his house, but I never do. She hasn't talked to me since the morning she left my house. Ever since she saw us in the hall a few weeks ago all I've been wanting is to break up with him just so I could tell her. Would it change anything? Would she even care? Would she just look at me the way she did that morning that she left? I guess the questions don't really matter anymore, even if they did, she'd never answer them, she'd never let me in again after what I did. What can I do?

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"So how are things with Austin?" Gray asked. He had just finished practice, and we'd picked up food and gone to the baseball fields to park. I stared down at the drink I was holding. Gray made me get food but I wasn't eating it, I couldn't. Today I woke up and I felt like the weight of everything that's been going on was crushing me. I didn't speak much, I haven't been talking much with Gray right now. I know Austin noticed too but he didn't say anything. I think he was just letting me be.

"They're fine."

"What's going on Tess?" I took some deep breaths.

"Nothing."

"Come on Tess. What's up." I felt something in my heart break open, and then the tears fell.

"I don't know what to do Gray."

"What do you mean?"

"I know you can't stand her, and I know its' only because you want to protect me, but I love her. So much. And I miss her, every day. I miss everything about her. Every time he kisses me all I can think is that, its not her. I miss the way she kissed my forehead and cheeks, and the way she loved me." I took a breath.

"I don't want it to happen again. I don't want a repeat of sophomore year, but I don't know how to do this. I feel so broken every day, and it's not getting better. I don't know how to live without her. I don't know how to move on."

"Tess I'm sorry." I wasn't done though.

"And now I'm like in this relationship with Austin, and he's such a great guy, and he doesn't deserve any of this, but I don't feel the things I should with him, because no matter how hard I try I can't get over her, I can't fall out of love with her. I feel like I'm trapped."

"I'm sorry Tess. I didn't know."

"I know. I didn't tell you, I didn't want you to be upset at me because I don't like Austin. I know you wanted me to move on, to be with him, but I just can't. I'm sorry."

"Tess after Mia died you fell into this like darkness, and I got scared because I'd never seen you like that. You didn't come out of your room for weeks, you weren't at school. I didn't know if I'd ever get you back. And then when you and Riley started dating, it was the first time in a long time that I'd actually seen you happy. I didn't want you fall back into that again. I'm sorry I pushed you so much with Austin. I'm sorry Tess." At this he leaned over the center console and hugged me. I was still crying.

Mia was a friend of mine since we were in elementary school. We weren't best friends, but we both knew that we would be there for each other if we needed, at least thats what I thought. We'd grown apart as we'd gotten older, and by middle school we weren't talking as much, or even at all. It wasn't anything malicious but there was still that space between us.

Sophomore year, around Christmas time, I was about to take Lauren and one of her friends light hunting. This was back before Lauren was a little shit. We were already leaving when my mom came in. As soon as she walked into the house I could tell something was wrong. She had been crying and she could still barely even keep herself together. We stood there in the kitchen for a moment just staring at each other. I knew something was wrong but I didn't want to ask. I didn't want to know what horrible thing could have happened that made my mother this, distraught.

"Mom, what's wrong?" Lauren asked. I could only stare at my mother, who was normally cool, composed, never the type to break down and cry in front of us to this extent.

"Tess..." She looked at me and cried some more. That's when she told us that Mia had finally succeeded in killing herself that night, and that her mom found her.

"I'm sorry Tess." Gray said again. I just wrapped my arms around him and let myself cry into him.