With or without you

Chapter 12

"Can you please just talk to me?" The look in her eyes made me want to cry. We had just left one of Gray's football games, and she wouldn't talk to me. She was just staring at me, staring through me actually. It's like she's not even there. I don't even know what I did. Half way through the game she just stopped talking to me. I don't know what I did, and I don't know how to fix it. She hasn't spoken to me since halftime, if I'm being honest I don't think she's spoken to anyone since halftime.

"Please just look at me." I begged. She turned to face me but like I said, she was empty. No that's not the right word. Empty implies there was nothing there to begin with, and that there's absolutely nothing there now. That's not how this feels though. She feels, hollow. Like there's still a part of her in there but it's been carved out and left with nothing but pieces of who she used to be.

"What did I do?" No words. No movement. Just the hollow stare and the dread building in my body. She kept walking towards the car. She drove us here. She walked to the passenger side and opened my door for me and without a word closed the door once I was in. I put my seatbelt on as she got into the driver's seat and got ready to go. I could feel the tension building in my heart. It felt like it was going to crush me. It wrapped around my lungs like a corset, pushing all the air out from them making it hard to breathe. I felt a tear fall from my eyes. What did I do? What had I done to deserve this? We were having a good time. I'm so confused, and the silence of the drive wasn't helping. I looked down at my hands and felt a few tears fall from my eyes. When I looked at her, she was focused on the road. She couldn't see my tears, or she just didn't care. I don't know honestly. When she pulled into my driveway she put the car in park and then didn't move. I wiped the tear from my eyes then stared at my feet. When I couldn't take it anymore I looked at her. It took her a few seconds to finally look at me.

"Are we okay?" I whispered. At this I saw her eyes do a thing. Like something flickered. She nodded her head. I think it was now that she realized I'd been crying because her eyes softened for just a second, but she still wouldn't speak to me. I shook my head and looked down again. Without another word from me, I opened the car door and got down. I spent the rest of the night crying, going over everything from the game to now. What did I do? When we got to the game she was fine. We met some of her friends so I wasn't super stoked about that, but I went anyways because I wanted to be with her. During the game we were having a good time. She grabbed my hand at one point during half time, when I looked down at our hands she caught me, and then let go. I didn't know what that was about. I figured that it was just because she didn't want her friends knowing. A few minutes later she went to the bathroom with Charlette, then when she came back she just stopped talking all together. When the game ended and we were leaving Charlette and the other girls were following behind us. They asked if we wanted to go to the after party, and she just shook her head no and we kept walking. She didn't even bother sticking around long enough for us to say hi to Gray, which made me mad. I don't understand why she's being like this. I don't know what I did. Did I say something, did I do something, was I not supposed to look at our hands when she grabbed mine? She caught me off guard so of course I looked. I always did. Was she mad that I didn't try and grab her hand?

I laid in bed crying, getting angry, trying to just figure out what the hell went wrong. The thoughts and questions wouldn't stop. I kept waiting for her to text me when she got home but it never came. That frustrated me, so instead I just checked her location and it said she was home. She couldn't even bother telling me she was home safe.

I didn't bother texting her. She made it clear she didn't want to talk, and I was angry. The next day, Saturday, I picked up Gray so we could get breakfast since neither of our families ever cook. I recapped the whole night for him, and even apologized for not sticking around after the game to tell him what a good job he did. I was so mad that I didn't get to tell him the night of. He ran in 3 touchdowns that game and it was a new record for him. He told me it was okay and that he had a goodnight at the party. He said he just figured she and I had run off to do promiscuous things.

As the day went on I still hadn't heard anything from her. Gray and I had a nice day. We decided to get dressed up and go to Barnes and Nobles then do some other little things that we liked to do together. We just made a day of it. At around noon we decided that we wanted to see a movie tonight. Since we both worked at the theater last summer we were talking about whether or not they would let us in for free or not. Right around then she text me just two words. 'I'm sorry.' I didn't know what to do or say. She ignores me all day, wouldn't even speak to me last night, and now out of nowhere I get a text that she's sorry? How does that make up for this? Before I could even respond she text me back asking if she could see me. Gray let me bail on our movie, and then dropped me off at her house.

When I got inside her house there was no one home except for her. I wondered if she had been here all day by herself. The look on her face was still just off, but I could tell that it wasn't like it was before. We went up to her room and sat on her bed. It was quiet for a few minutes until I asked

"Are you okay?" I was concerned, but the anger still seeped through my voice. She wouldn't look at me. Only at the bedspread.

"I'm sorry." Her voice came out soft and broken. I scooted in closer and just looked at her. She pissed me off more than anyone I've ever met, but I still loved her. A few seconds later she looked up at me and the look in her eyes made me feel something I'd never felt before. I wrapped my arms around her and held her. I felt her start to cry into me. Her breaths were ragged and forced. I was so confused as I held her. I don't know what I did or what happened. Did she do something? Did she cheat on me or something? Is she trying to break up with me? I let her cry until about 10 minutes she stopped and then sat up and looked at me.

"Did I do something?" She looked down.

"No. You didn't do anything." She whispered.

"Then what happened? Did you do something?"

"No. I didn't do anything." If she didn't do anything, and I didn't do anything, then what the fuck is going on?

"Then what happened?" She shrugged and shook her head.

"Obviously something happened."

"I don't know. I just, I got so angry when you looked at me during the game. You looked like you didn't want me to even touch you, and then in the bathroom Charlette started just talking and being so mean. And I didn't know what to do. She started talking about you and then I just stopped talking to her and walked out. But I just couldn't get out of my head. Everything was just spiraling and my brain just kept going and I couldn't make it stop and I was just getting angrier and I couldn't make it stop. And I'm sorry. I just didn't want to say something and it fuck up everything between us."

I didn't say anything. What was I supposed to say? I wondered if maybe she was just taking out her anger on me. Prior to the game Charlette was causing a lot of trouble. She kept making little comments that were making me mad but I didn't think that it was bothering her that much. I can't say for sure. I still hadn't said anything, that's when she looked up at me and then looked back down at the bed spread. I saw a tear fall down her cheek.

"What's wrong?" She wiped the tear away and wouldn't look at me.

"I don't like it when you look at me like that." She cried.

"I'm sorry." She cried more.

"Babe I'm sorry." I scooted closer to her. She wiped her eyes again and then looked at me.

"You just pissed me off." I said as I flicked her forehead.

"Owe!" I laughed a little, she laughed just a little bit and then laid down on my lap and started crying, a lot harder this time though.

"Baby what's wrong? You're actually crying?"

"I'm sorry." She cried.

"I didn't mean to make you mad at me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She cried in my lap for I don't know how long. She just couldn't stop. I held onto her and wouldn't let go. The rest of night was long. We talked and tried to figure out what happened and what was going on. Despite that night and all the other shit, I still miss her. I am in love with her. Flaws and all. I am in love with her.