With or without you

Chapter 15

After we fooled around we were laying in her bed completely naked still. She had fallen asleep sometime after we'd finished. Holding her in my arms felt so natural and comfortable. It's the strangest thing in the world to be so comfortable with someone that you are okay if they see you completely naked. So comfortable with them that you don't mind if they know all your little idiosyncrasies. That's who she is to me. She is my person. She is the love of my life. It doesn't matter if I'm only seventeen. I know what love is. I know what it feels like to love someone and know they love you back. I know what it's like to be able to tell what she's thinking and feeling without her saying a word. I know what it means when she starts getting quiet. I know that she cries at certain parts of certain movies no matter how many times she's seen it. I know that her favorite color is blue but she likes red too. I know that she needs to be in control, and be the one who holds me, but when she's tired she only wants for me to hold her. I know how much she hates the cold, and how crappy it makes her feel.

Laying there, watching her sleep, I felt like everything was okay. Even if it was just a false reality that I was letting myself believe. Because even though I felt at peace, there was a feeling in the back of my mind. Telling me that none of this was real. As soon as she woke up, and her family got home, I would leave and tomorrow we'd go back to not talking. We'd go back to being perfect strangers who no one knew had a past. That's the weirdest thing to me. I never minded us being a secret. I never minded not being able to hold her hand in public. I didn't mind. Because in my heart I knew she was mine. In my soul I knew she loved me. Now though, no one knows what we were. No one knows what she meant to me, or what I meant to her. To everyone around us, we're just two people passing each other in the hall. Two people who had no reason to be talking to each other.

I laid there thinking for who knows how long. Going back and forth from pretending that we were still together, and that I'd never have to let her go, to feeling absolutely miserable because I knew this was a fleeting moment that had no guarantee of happening again. When she started to stir I tucked a piece of hair behind her ears and just smiled.

"Hi." She said as she started to stretch.

"Hey."

"I fell asleep."

"Yeah." I laughed a little. She was so notorious for sleeping. Gray would make fun of her for always falling asleep when she'd get to my house. She would get there, and as soon as we were on my bed for more than five minutes she would be asleep. I thought it was cute, even if it did cut into our fun time sometimes.

"Sorry." I didn't reply to this with words. Instead I leaned in and placed my lips on hers. Kissing her was different from kissing anyone else. When I kissed her the whole world went quiet. All my thoughts disappeared. Kissing her made me feel her love. Her response to my kiss was to pull back after and look down at the sheets.

"I'm sorry Tess." She said. I already knew where it was going. Before she could say anything else, I got up, out of the bed, and started putting my clothes on.

"It's fine.

"Tess, I..." I cut her off.

"Are you going to take me home or do I need to call Gray?"

"I can take you." I was fighting back tears. Putting my clothes on was torture. It felt like I was now hiding my body from her in shame. I suddenly felt ashamed to have been naked in front of her. I felt my body shaking, and the lump in my throat was ever present. It took everything in me to fight back the tears that wanted to fall. The ride home was quiet, long, dreadful. We didn't speak, just like when she'd picked me up. Only this time there was this weighted tension in the air. It stole the air from my lungs, it broke everything in me.

As soon as she drove up to my house I didn't bother sticking around for her to say anything. I grabbed my stuff and got off the car. I didn't slam the door, I didn't throw a fit, I didn't make a scene. I just left. I didn't turn around as I walked to my door. When I walked inside my parents were sitting at the kitchen table with my sister eating dinner.

"Hey." I said. I knew I'd have to pretend to be okay, and if I didn't say anything when I walked in they would be suspicious.

"Sit down I'll make you a plate my love." I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to sit and pretend that I'm okay when I feel like I'm dying.

"Why are you home so late?" This question came from Lauren. My little sister. We don't get along very well. She's three years younger than me, but we're complete opposites. She's part of the 'it' crowd in her grade, and not just because she's friends with a guy who's in the 'it' group... like me. Right around now was when my mom was setting down my plate for me to eat.

"I was with Gray. His practice ran late." I lied. There wasn't a need to, but I didn't want to tell them that I was with her. At this Lauren just rolled her eyes. She's always had a crush on him. He and I both know it, but he doesn't mind it. He's actually really good with her, I'm not but he is.

"His teams having a good season, aren't they?" My dad asked.

"Yeah. They're going to playoffs."

"That's good. I bet Gray is happy about that." My mom said. We continued like this for another 45 minutes, us talking, me pretending that I'm okay. In the middle of dinner Gray text me and said 'you alive?'. I text him back and told him what happened while I was still at dinner. When I finally escaped I went to my room then took a shower. Trying to be someone else for my family is so hard sometimes. She was the only one who ever really saw me. For everyone else I feel like I'm always having to be someone else. I'm always performing, pretending, acting. Its exhausting. Especially now. I feel more than just heartbroken, I feel like I'm grieving, like I'm dying. I laid in bed staring at the ceiling until I finally fell asleep. I haven't been sleeping much. Too many thoughts in my head. Too many memories.