Gone Girl 2

Chapter 37

Nicole's POV

I always knew there was something wrong with me. And it wasn't just that I didn't feel like I deserved love or that I was beautiful.

I knew I had bulimia when the only thing  I was thinking about when someone mentioned food was how I would throw it up later.

Do I only eat half and immediately go to the bathroom? Do I pretend to eat it and spit it in a napkin? Will my parents hear?

Ha, who am I kidding, my mom would encourage it. She would absolutely look at me, criticize me while I shove two fingers into my throat as I throw up the dinner she cooked. She would hold my hair, and for one second it would feel sweet, motherly, until she would tell me that I'm disgusting and that no one will love me like this.

I've been living with my eating disorder for four years and while I'm constantly trying to get better while no one knows, sometimes I still fail and binge and purge. It doesn't matter where. Any place, any time.

I've been twenty days clean from purging. I know I don't purge almost daily as I used to two years ago, but I am still far away from healing my eating disorder.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and like what I see, despite gaining a few pounds since my half assed recovery.

Other times I feel like purging until I dehydrate like a raisin and die.

No one knows, except for my mom and Louis.

When we were in a relationship, he noticed my weird habits around food, he never said anything until...

Two years ago

"Why are you crying?!" Louis puts his hands over his head disgusted and annoyed at me but I can't stop crying.

I look at the phone in my hand and tears fall on the screen. The video that Irène sent me of James fucking her right at that party.

I am so weak and pathetic, how can I cry about this when I'm dating Louis, how can I claim I love him and still hurt my best friend by kissing the worst person I could kiss. James.

"Louis, I'm so sorry, I-" My throat tightens from the guilt. "I kissed James at that party..."

Louis seems devastated, and I know he would cry if I wasn't here. He doesn't usually hide his feelings, but he won't ever show it to someone who betrayed him like I did.

"W- when?" his voice is shaky.

"Two days ago."

"Ah..." he turns around, without looking at me once. And he leaves the room.

I know he wants to insult me, but he is better than that, better than me. I can't believe I lost him for someone who would fuck anything that breathes, no matter who it is.

I collapse on the bed and I cry so hard my pillow dampens my whole face and hair. I ruined everything for someone who just ruined me.

He comes back, even though I don't expect it. I immediately sit up and I smile, hoping he can forgive me, if not now, at least later.

"How..." he starts speaking and his jaw tightens. I've never seen him more angry and disappointed.

I can't breathe. I expect the worst and maybe I deserve it.