Girl To Girl: Vol. 2

Learn how to masturbate really well with these masturbation tips

Masturbation is utterly amazing. Not only does it feel really damn good — it can also be good for you. When you orgasm, you release oxytocin, and this darling little hormone can play a part in your overall well-being. It's an excellent pain reliever (goodbye, cramps!), and as mentioned in Biological Psychiatry (the office journal of the Society of Biological Psychiatry), it also has the potential to decrease anxiety. We could all use a bit of that, right?

It's not just orgasmic self-pleasure that could boost your health, either. During sexual excitement, your brain releases serotonin. This chemical has been found to help increase sexual satisfaction and regulate mood. Basically, self-love can offer a cocktail of brain-balancing joy. Orgasm or no orgasm.

Whether you're just setting off on your masturbation journey, or are a seasoned self-lover stuck in a bit of a rut, sex therapist Dr. Jordan Rullo, PhD, shares her expert advice on how to masturbate really well.

Let the oxytocin and serotonin flow!

Step 1: Start the Desire Fire

There's a lot we get wrong about the nature of sexual desire — like the myth that we should just naturally get horny at the drop of a hat or out of nowhere. The truth is, we're complex creatures. And as Dr. Laurie Mintz, PhD, points out in her best-selling book Becoming Cliterate, women (and people of the opposing gender as well) don't actually experience this very often.

In fact, according to the Journal of Sexual Medicine, one in three of us experience responsive desire as our predominant type of desire. This kind of desire manifest when we're exposed to sexual stimuli (touching, watching porn, reading erotica, whatever floats your boat) — AKA in response to something (this is also known as the Incentive Motivation Model). So, many of us need something — a little spark — to make desire happen.

There are so many ways to do this, and what works depends on your own unique mind and body. So don't be afraid to get creative. "Create a context and mindset where there is no pressure to perform in any way, no expectations, no time limit, and privacy," Jordan explains. She says setting up your masturbation space with soft lighting, candles, or your favourite music can help you get in a relaxed and present headspace.

Step 2: Explore Your Whole Body

"Often, sexual activity is solely focused on genitals and breasts, but through exploration of your entire body, you may find many erogenous zones which will enhance your self-stimulation experience," Jordan says.

You can start by massaging your legs, inner thighs, arms, or stomach. This allows for pressure-free exploration of sensations that simply feel good. If you have issues with libido, body image, or trouble orgasming, this can help you connect to your body without judgment — and unlock its potential for pleasure.

3. Lube Up

Adding extra lubricant creates a barrier between your skin and hands, which increases sensation, reduces friction, and makes masturbation more comfortable. "Women report that lubricant increases sexual arousal, pleasure, and orgasm," Jordan says.

She suggests going for a water-based lube with natural, non-irritating ingredients (and preferably one that's free of sugar, parabens, and other harmful chemicals).

Step 4: Start From the Outside

When it comes to masturbation, the clítoris is the place to focus on for the vast majority of us. It has an estimated 8,000 nerve endings! Plus, many studies have found most people need clítoral stimulation to reach orgasm. A 2017 study published in The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy found 37% required it to orgasm (compared with 18% who said vagínal penetration alone was enough).

To begin, lightly touch your clìtoris using your finger. There are many stimulation techniques, so what feels good is totally unique to you and your body. Try:

- Rubbing your clítoris in clockwork (or counter-clockwork) motions

- Rubbing up and down

- Tracing your finger from side to side

"Research shows that a variety of speeds, pressures, and strokes is more arousing than the same stimulation on repeat," Jordan adds.

Step 5: ...and then work your way in

Vagínal penetration isn't everyone's cup of tea, but it certainly can feel good for some people. If you do want to explore penetration, it's important to be properly warmed up first. Repeat step 4 until you feel relaxed and ready.

Insert one or two fingers (or a sex toy) into your vag¡na and hook it upwards towards your belly button, in a rocking horse motion. Explore the entire area internally by touching, rubbing, or tapping — and remember to take it slow.

Again, lube can be a life-changer here. It can make your vulva and vag¡na feel slippery and more comfortable.

Step 6: Try Penetration and Cl¡toral Stimulation Together

You can also combine clítoral and vagínal stimulation in tandem. Use one hand to rub your clítoris, while you explore penetration with the fingers of your other hand.

It helps to think of pleasure exploration like a buffet. Some dishes will be amazing. Some won't be. Sometimes you might be interested in one dish, and other times, not so much. The point is you have a vast menu to choose from, and you're welcome to try whatever you feel like on any given day. You deserve variety!

Step 7: Be Present

Being able to breathe deeply into the body is crucial for relaxation and calming the nervous system. By learning how to do this, you're allowing your body to inhale all the oxygen and energy it needs, making you feel more present. When you exhale, your breath carries stress out of your body, allowing you to feel more grounded. This might take some practice, so don't worry too much if it doesn't work the first few times.

Step 8: Tap into All of Your Senses

Stay focused by tapping into all your senses. Ask yourself: What do I feel? What do I hear? What do I see? What do I smell?

Thinking about what all of your senses are experiencing can bring you into the moment, allowing your mind to stay present and focused on the sensations in your body.

Step 9: Get Some Gear

Yeah, I'm talking sex toys. Vibration allows for deeper, more concentrated clítoral stimulation. If you haven't used sex toys before, it's often easier to start with something smaller like a bullet vibrator. But, if you love the idea of something bigger, go for it! (No judgment here. More power to ya!)

Jordan says, "A silicone vibrator that can be used for external stimulation (e.g., clítoral) and internal stimulation (e.g., vagìnal) and provides a variety of speeds and pulsations is a great option." This is because "it gives you more options for exploration and to figure out what feels pleasurable."

And Remember to Take Your Time

Rushing leads to anxiety, which can dampen the experience — so be sure to set aside time to fully enjoy your self-love session. Think about masturbation as a true, bonafide sexual experience that deserves to be central to your life. The point of all of this self-love is to explore your body, enjoy sexual touch, and learn more about who you are as a sexual human.

The more time and attention you give to your own pleasure, the better sex will be (both alone and with partners). Oh, and remember the most important thing: Have fun!