Fix My Heart

Chapter 12

Veronica's POV
It's been a week since everything happened. Lakelyn gave me whatever updates I needed. She helped me out with school so I wouldn't fall behind.

"Do you think he's awake?"

"I'm not sure."

"C-can I go see him?"

"We can try."

"You're not going to see him."

I saw a nurse walk in.

"I don't understand how you keep ending up in here. Only family is allowed in here. You have to leave or you won't be allowed back in this hospital."

"I'm sorry V. I can't risk that."

She walked away. Now it's been a week since I saw her.

Maybe it's best if I stay away from them.

When I went home I didn't even bother telling anyone. I stayed in my room all day. I didn't talk to anyone including my aunt.

All I do is fuck up.

Wait.

Christy did say that Jacob uses his emotions when he does anything with music. Maybe I should do that too.

I grabbed a pencil and a notebook then started thinking.

Shit I don't know how to start this.

I'm so sorry that I caused this.

No.

That's bad.

Maybe pretend you're writing him a letter?

This is gonna suck but who cares?

It's not like he's gonna see this.

Hey how are you? I hope you're doing well. I wish I was. This is all my fault. I don't belong here. I always find a way to fuck something up. I don't think I can forgive myself for what happened to you. I can't sleep knowing I'm the reason it happened. I haven't said a single word to anyone. I can't go to school. I don't think I can face your friends or sister. I bet your parents hate me now don't they? I hate myself too. Now's when I regret running away. If I stayed you'd be alright. If I stayed I'd be dead. I should've stayed in that room. I'm so fucking sorry I ruined you. I didn't mean for that to to happen. If you don't want me anymore then I understand. I wouldn't want me either. I haven't left my room since I got home. All I wanted was to fix my heart. But it's been broken even more. I don't know how I can recover from this. Hell..I don't think I can at all. It's time for me to end this. I'm sorry baby. I love you.

Done.

A few weeks later I saw what day it was

December 24....

Christmas...

I finally know what it is.

But it doesn't feel right to celebrate it.

I finally found out what Christmas is. I'm sure you'd be glad. I'm sorry I can't kiss you under the mistletoe. I saw snow for the first time the other day too. I went to go outside to play in it but I saw you. I ran back inside. A part of me wanted you to chase me. Another part of me didn't. I hope this is all a goddamn nightmare and I'll wake up soon. I wonder what would happen if I showed up to your door right now. Would you tell me to go to hell? Would you just hold me and never let me go? I see cars parked by your house. I don't think I should show my face now. I don't want to ruin your holiday. The worse thing that I ever did was let you get hurt. I'm sure you have some girl that's much better than me. I hope she makes you happier than I did. Being your neighbor is torturing me. I'd do anything to just be with you again. God I don't know what I'd do if you walked into my room right now. I'm scared you'll turn into everyone else if you saw me. I'm 17 and I've fucked up so much. I still have that jersey with your number and name that I got made for me. It sits in my closet and stares at me. The worse thing that I ever did, was letting you get hurt. I'm sure you'd tell me to go fuck myself if you saw me. I'm sure you'll ask for the necklace back. I managed to get you something too. It's probably something you'll hate. I ordered it a few days ago. I'm not sure when it'll get here. Merry Christmas...I'm sorry I'm not there.

Jesus Christ...

Am I really that depressed?

My life hasn't been easy at all. I've lived in fear. After all the times I've been hurt I wanted someone to hold me while I cried. I wanted someone to love me. I wanted someone to protect me from every monster in this world. When I got that someone it was you. I lost you quicker than I thought I would. I thought we'd have more time before we parted ways. I'm sorry baby...I wish I didn't mess us up. I see and hear you in my dreams. You might not physically be with me but somehow you're still here...I'd do anything to just hear how you feel. Even if it means hearing you bully me. I know I deserve it. I wish you'd give me some signs that you still care. I know I've been ignoring your calls and texts. I'm sorry but I don't think I can handle to read anything. I can hardly read anything I write now. My tears make my vision cloudy. It hurts to cry because of my eye still. My wrist now has a scar that I did not cause. My heart has a huge hole in the shape of you. I can't believe I broke you. I can't believe I broke me even more. I can't believe I broke...us...I miss you...

Why did I have to go and fuck my happiness up?!

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO VERONICA?!

YOU ARE SO FUCKING DUMB!

YOU'RE JUST LIKE THEM!

WHY DID YOU FUCK UP EVERYTHING?!

I put my pencil and notebook on my nightstand then turned my light off. I laid down and went to sleep.

I hope I don't wake up.