Possessed Soul

Chapter 53

Chapter 53

"Back so soon?" Kaden questioned. He wasn't at all worried that I had broken his sleep. He smirked, and seemed way too alert for someone who had just been sleeping. I wondered if he had been sleeping at all, or if he had just been resting his eyes, waiting for me to come to him.

I gulped nervously. He was probably expecting me to jump onto his lap and make out with him.

"There's not a force in this world that could keep you away from me," Kaden carried on talking, and at the same time opened his arms, inviting me in. I didn't allow myself to be tempted. I had to remind myself that I had come here with a purpose, because all my thoughts went fuzzy when I saw Kaden. I had to tell Kaden what I came here to tell him, even if it was the middle of the night.

I hadn't slept at all. I had been preparing what I would say to him. My intention had been to speak to Kaden in the morning, but after Ryan had fallen asleep, and his cherubic features were highlighted by the moon, I knew that I wouldn't be able to rest, not until I was able to give him my whole heart.

"Kaden, I'm so sorry," I started with an apology. "I'm..." I paused. Was it best to be blunt? Or soften the blow with flowery language? Being blunt, I decided, would be less painful for both of us. "Ryan asked me to be his girlfriend."

"But you said no, right?" Kaden's smirk faltered ever so slightly, but he refused to lose all hope. Instead he cupped the back of my neck with his palm and brought my face closer to his.

We were both sitting on the couch; even if I wanted to move away from him, the couch was hardly big enough. I had no choice but to allow him to touch me. Perhaps this was his way of letting me go, by touching me one last time.

"I said yes." I exhaled deeply, expecting the weight to be lifted off my heart, but my heart grew heavier with each passing breath.

Kaden's face grew visibly paler and so did his usually bright eyes. "Why?" he asked, resting his forehead against mine.

"Because I love him."

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not." My reluctant answer made it seem like I was trying to convince myself.

"Even if you do love him, which I highly doubt, you couldn't possibly love him more than you love me." As each word exited his mouth a little hope left with it. "You know that saying: you can't love someone fully until you love yourself? " He carried on without waiting for my answer. "I didn't love myself until I met you. You made me love myself so that I could be worthy enough to love you and gain your love in return." I gasped softly as his mouth touched my jawline and he continued to murmur against my skin. "Please don't leave me."

"I need to."

"But I love you."

He groaned and before I could deny him, he kissed me wholeheartedly. I tried to keep my lips stoic under his, but his movements made it difficult. He nibbled my bottom lip expertly, while our tears mixed. The kiss was salty and wet, but it was something that we both needed.

"Please don't tell me that's our last kiss." The tears on his face shone white and his mouth quivered uncontrollably.

"Ryan needs me." I shook my head to get rid of the tears.

"So do I." His tone was desperate and laced with undertones of grief.

"He needs me more," I replied, with a trembling voice. "He just disowned his mother. I'm all he has left. You've been alone for so long. You know how to deal with loneliness so that it doesn't eat you up."

"That doesn't mean I should be alone for the rest of my life." I knew my words had hurt a very sensitive part of him and it looked like he was falling apart. "I know I've done bad things, but shouldn't I get a chance to be with someone who loves me; to love someone?"

"You'll find that someone," I told him. It felt like my throat had closed and not enough oxygen was getting to my lungs.

"I already have." He kissed my nose and with that I got up to leave, refusing to look back at his grieving form.

***

I didn't want to be close to either Kaden or Ryan, so I ended up on the patio overlooking the garden. I didn't shed any more tears. It didn't feel right to do so, since I was the one who had broken up with him. What was there to cry about? Mine and Kaden's wrecked relationship? Had I chosen the wrong boy? No. I had made a decision, and one simple sentence could take it all back; but I wouldn't because I was determined to be happy with Ryan. I felt dirty, after committing to Ryan and then kissing Kaden almost straight after that.

"Is something wrong?" Grace joined me, pulling me out of my own thoughts. "Anything I can help with?"

I started wondering what she was doing up so late, but when I looked up I realised that clouds had taken the place of the stars and the sun rays hit my skin.

I opened my mouth to say something but was forced to close it again. My mouth was dry. I barely had enough energy to stand, never mind drink water.

"It's cold," Grace observed, with chattering teeth, after I didn't reply. I was grateful that she didn't suggest going inside. I couldn't face Kaden; not yet. He wouldn't look at me, and even if he did it would be with scorn and distrust.

After a while of willing myself to make saliva to moisten my thirsty mouth, I found that I could talk again. "Have you ever needed to decide between two boys?" I questioned. It was best to ask her, since I needed a female's opinion on this whole ordeal. I could hardly ask Emma: she was too biased. Grace was the next best thing.

"Is this about Kaden?" She rubbed her hands together and exhaled onto her palms, trying to warm herself. A thick scarf was wrapped a couple of times around her neck, but she wore no gloves. Maybe she was like me and hated the knitwear on her hands. I used my hands too often and gloves just got in my way.

I nodded in reply to her question.

"There's obvious chemistry between the two of you." She didn't answer my question, but I didn't really mind. Her advice was what I was after, and she seemed very eager to hand it out. "He loves you as much as a teenage boy is capable of loving someone. His whole world centres around you. I've seen the way you look at him, and there is no doubt in my mind that you love him as much as he loves you, if not more. Why is your heart so indecisive, when no one will ever be able to gaze upon you the same way?"

"Because of Ryan," I responded, bringing my legs up to my chest and hugging them.

"Do you love Ryan as well?"

"Yes. No. I honestly don't know."

"If your feelings for Kaden are so certain and your feelings for Ryan aren't..." Her sentence was left unfinished and her hazel eyes stared off into the distance, as if her mind was elsewhere.

"I don't know how I feel about Kaden," I lied. I didn't want to tell her the real reason I had chosen Ryan; it would seem altruistic, when it was anything but. An altruistic resolution would have been finding a way to make everyone happy. I had made a hasty decision that had made one person happy, one person questioning, and one person heartbroken. "I've never experienced love before. How would I know if this is how it feels?" I knew I loved Kaden, but what I didn't know was how to make myself love Ryan. I had just structured my question in a way that would make it difficult for her to guess what I actually meant.

"That's a question I can't answer for you," she stated. "Love feels different for everyone."

She got up to leave and smiled at me. The corners of her mouth wrinkled and I noticed that her eyes crinkled in the same way. Sure, her smile reached her eyes, but her eyes were surrounded by crow's feet and were bloodshot. I guess I wasn't the only one who had suffered a sleepless night.

I was about to ask her why she hadn't slept, but then remembered that her ex-husband was staying under the same roof as her. Her case was similar to mine. It was matters of the heart that prevented her from escaping into the land of dreams.