Deviant

nineteen

~Should I trust you?~

Your pov

(here "you" is referring to Jungkook)

You were crying. You wanted to take my hand but you couldn't.

Your wrists were tied at each side of the bed you were laying on. They had to restrict your movements somehow, as long as you stay in the hospital.

To make sure you will not hurt yourself.

To make sure you will not hurt anyone.

Seeing you in such a state, seeing you begging me with your teary eyes to take you away from there, brought an enormous confusion and fear of not knowing what it's the best thing to do.

I touched your hand.

"Please... Please take me with you."

I couldn't hold it in anymore and I let my tears flow down my cheek.

I felt so powerless.

I couldn't do anything.

Please. Please don't look at me like that. What do I do?

"My noona. My lady... Please. Please help me and I will do anything you want. I will love only you if you want me to."

My chest tightened. The boy in front of me, I didn't know who was anymore. He was just like him, that sweet boy I thought never existed.

What are you up to? Who are you?

Please don't play with my feelings. Don't try to gain my sympathy this way by bringing this boy to the surface.

I couldn't trust you. I was afraid that the boy right now, was that monster who liked to play with me.

I couldn't trust you.

But even so, I kept silent as I held you tightly in my arms.

Maybe you were playing with me.

Maybe you were faking.

Maybe you were real.

Or maybe, just maybe, you were indeed hurt and needed someone in your lonely life.

But if the last sentence had even a 1% chance to be real, then I had to do this.

I had to hug you and let you know that I care about you.

As I pulled your feverish body closer, you stopped shaking. You stopped crying. I even felt your heartbeat become steady when just a minute ago it felt like your heart was about to explode.
That fast and hard was the pace of your beating heart.

"You are not alone anymore. Didn't I promise that I will take care of you? I will keep my promise no matter what. I don't care who you are. I will try and trust you. Please don't disappoint me."

Our eyes locked after I said those words to you. Your eyes were still teary, and so dark. Darker than they ever were.

I couldn't stop looking at them.

I couldn't stop looking at you.

"Tell me more about you.
Tell me everything there is to know.
Let me help you.
I will trust you. But please trust in me as well.
Please tell me. Who is the one looking at me like this, at the moment? "

Your smile was painful as you closed your eyes slowly.
Then you swallowed hard before looking into my eyes again.

"I am the one you are afraid of and hate."

Somehow I knew that. But still, my heart stopped.
The sweet one, the playboy one, were one. The same person.

But I couldn't hate you. Maybe you have your reasons.

"You want to get out of the prison. Is that why you are doing this? Because you are desperate? Is that why you are sleeping with everyone? That's why you lie?"

You didn't respond. You were only smiling at me. And it was frustrating.

"Why? Just why can't you talk to me? Why do you keep being like this? "

"Because no matter what I will say, you will take it in your way. You will never believe me. So what's the point? You are just like the rest of them.
You find me scary, disgusting, and a criminal. So I am acting just like everyone expects me to."

"I am me. You can't say that I am like the rest. You don't even know me."

"No? Didn't you fall in love with that sweet boy? That boy who never existed, to begin with? I felt you when you kissed me that night. I felt how much you wanted me, just like everyone else. Just because of my looks.
You know it's wrong. Deep inside your heart, you know that everything is wrong. You know that you can't want a sick person. You can't want a criminal. But you still can't help it. You still want me. So who will you listen to, Y/N? Your heart's desires?
Or your mind? "

"This is the only thing that differentiates you from others. You still think. And maybe that's why I still want you so much."