Deviant

nineteen

~Confronting his fears~

After throwing a few splashes of cold water on his face, Jungkook grabbed both sides of the sink and leaned against it for support as he closed his eyes with a shaking breath.

He just made love to you again, and he felt more torn apart than ever.

He felt so alive every time he would see you. Every time you would look at him. Every time you would touch him. Every time you would say I love you, he would even forget about his fears.

But...

"If you will go to others. If you will touch anyone else after you touched me... You know I will leave. I will step on my own heart if it's needed." Jungkook felt you behind those words. You were telling the truth. You would keep your promise and leave, without looking back. After all, you couldn't understand him and it was understandable. You did so much already for someone like him. So many things no one would even try.

It was the first time he had someone. Until now there was no one who he would want to be a part of his life. Until now he had never known the fear of the possibility of losing someone. But now only the thought of losing you made his mind go crazy. The dull burning feeling in his chest didn't seem to be going away.
What do you do when the person you care about more than yourself leaves you?

How can he stop you from leaving?

How can he fight against his demons? Right at that moment, he was too caught by you and by what happened between the two of you. But it was just a faze. He knew that later, his demons will invade his mind once again, forcing him to do those things he hated more than anything.
Those cold and terrifying nights will haunt him again. That man's face will be everything he will see and he will stop thinking about you or anyone else and run out there in search of something, something that maybe will help him get rid of this frustration and anger. He knew very well those feelings. He lived with them for so many years.

Jungkook opened his eyes slowly and stared at his reflection in the mirror.
His eyes traveled over every inch of his face as he felt more and more disgusted.

Every time he would see a mirror, he would try to ignore his reflection.
He has seen the reflection countless times, but he didn't recognize it as him.
It's like something foreign.
It's frightening to look at yourself and see a stranger looking back at you. Someone you didn't know. Someone you had no idea who it was or what it was capable of doing.

"I love you. "

Your words, their words, once again invaded his mind.

How can people love someone who feels empty and hates himself? Someone who has nothing to give. Isn't something impossible to do?
Since he could remember he hated himself, he hated everyone.
This is how it works.
If you hate yourself, you hate others, and others hate you.

Then why don't you hate me? Maybe because I've never hated you?

But why didn't they hate him? It has no sense. Because I hated them from the bottom of my heart.

He let out a deep breath and closed his eyes, again thinking about you. Thinking of the feeling of your skin against his, how your body burned under his a couple of moments ago, how your caress brings him peace. How your love is so comfortable.

Flashback

"How do you see love? " Jungkook asked you as he held you in his arms, his eyes searching yours with a light of hope.