Deviant

Prologue book 2

Lost in his mind

You:

I was ready to take care of you all my life, do you know that?

Do you know why?

I wish you knew.

But it's hard for you to understand, right?
It's hard and painful, right?

Will you ever come back?

Should I force you to come back?

Should I fight once again with your demons?

Should I try once again to reach your mind and release you from your own hell?
Would you let me?

Can I try and understand your mind? Would I be able to do that?

But what If bringing you back would be a big mistake?
What if I will hurt you more than you already were? What if I will come to hate myself?

What if you will come to hate me?

What can I do all alone? Without anyone's help?

I am not strong.

I am afraid.

Looking at you, holding you, I feel how fear takes over every inch of my being.

But I miss you so much.

I only want a few moments with you. I've come to love you so much even if in reality I know nothing about you. We only had a few moments together. We couldn't enjoy our time together. Not when fear was around the corner every time. Not when darkness was waiting every time for the moment to envelope you entirely.

What about you?

Do you miss me?

If I will wake you up... Will you stay with me? Will you finally accept me and stop running away?

Jungkook:

Do you know what it's like to be afraid?

To feel fear freezing every inch of your bone and flesh?

Do you know what it's like to wake up, suddenly surrounded by people, strangers, who claim that they want to help you? Who claim that they want to repair what others broke.

Do you think it's easy to shut your eyes and let them come closer, when those who you begged all your life to stop hurting you, didn't care?

If those who you knew all your life didn't care about you, why would a stranger?

Do you know what it's like to have a distorted mind? To not know who you are anymore and what to expect from you? To come to a point when you don't value yourself or have any expectations for other people or yourself?
I am like that. Even when I am looking in a mirror, I don't know who that person is. I don't know what he is capable of doing or if there are any feelings left besides fear and disgust.

What am I feeling when I am looking at her? When I feel her?

Because I feel her. In my subconscious, I can feel her gentle touch and her soft voice while she is whispering in my ear how much she loves me and how much she misses me.

I know that she is waiting. I know that she wants me.

But all I can feel instead is fear and pain.
Fear of being close to someone.
Fear of being hurt, maybe even more than I ever was.
Fear that I will hurt her.
And pain, because this is what I feel every time she is near.

I wanted her close. I want her close, but at the same time far away from me.

I thought that if I will be brought back to sleep, I will stop feeling. I will stop thinking. But it wasn't like that. Actually, it was torture.
I didn't know how many sacrifices she would make, just for me. Someone like me.
I thought that... eventually, she would leave. And I thought that if she would do that, it would be alright, after all, I wouldn't have been aware of anything that was happening around me.

But no... She had been there. She had been working day and night... for me.
Four years in a row. She had been there taking care of me without asking anything back. Just to open my eyes and look at her.

But I couldn't even do that. I didn't want to.

What did I ever do for her? Nothing.
And I will never be able to do anything. She knows that and that's why she doesn't ask anything from me.
And that's why it hurts.

That's why... I couldn't go on like this.

That's why I had to leave.

The moment I heard the door closing, I opened my eyes slowly and stared at the white ceiling. Then I turned my head and stared at the door. Even after she had left I could still feel her lips on my forehead.

Why do you have to be so... My eyes softened before getting off the bed and changing.

Please stop finding me this time