Deviant

thirty four

~Searching for answers~

"So... ask me Y/N. What do you want to know so much? " Jungkook asked you after he forced you to take a seat on the bed, then burying his hands in his jeans pockets he leaned against the door waiting for you to talk.

Jungkook was restless. You could tell by the way he moved from one leg to another. He was biting his bottom lip from nervousness. You were sure he wasn't ready to respond to your questions. Not all of them at least.

"Tell me your first memory." You whispered out loud, and Jungkook closed his eyes at that. He was silent. Maybe he was searching for his words. Maybe he wasn't sure or didn't know how to respond. On the other hand, Jungkook remembered everything. The problem was that he didn't know how to tell you. He didn't want you to feel sorry for him. He never talked about himself with anyone. And more... he was aware that... he was just a piece of the real one's mind. He wasn't a whole. He could disappear at any moment.

"Jungkook." You whispered when seeing his eyes darkening as he was deep in thoughts. You whispered his name because you couldn't handle his sudden lost and painful expression.

Jungkook lifted his eyes and stared at you. He felt his heart racing for some reason. He wasn't sure of anything when was coming to his existence. And not only. Again he felt fear. He never trusted anyone. He never needed to yell, cry, curse, not as much as in that moment. Something within him was coming to surface. A feeling. A feeling he always tried to suppress. And it was scary. He couldn't let that feeling burst. Because he was afraid of what would come. So he once again blocked that feeling. That desperation he felt within him. Desperation and something more. Something dark.
So he smiled, his eyes became cold as he looked at you, in your eyes. Then he told you. His first memory. The moment he was born.
"The first thing I remember, is that man who called himself my father, above me. His breath in my ear. His skin against mine."

Your chin trembled, fingers clenched into fists as you tried to ask the next question.
"How do you feel about what he did to you? Did you feel it right? Did you feel it wrong? You liked it, or you felt disgusted? "

"Sometimes it felt good. I felt loved and wanted. I thought and I still think that...this is how it should be. It's normal."

"Sometimes it didn't feel right. I felt despair, disgust, anger, hate. Hate towards me. Hate towards everyone. All of these are just small feelings hidden in a small place within me. I can't explain more. I don't know where they are coming from."

"It isn't right Jungkook. What that man did to you, it isn't normal. Only sick people do something like this to a child. Especially his child."

"He said he loved me so... "

"That was a sick love. A parent who loves his child would never do something like that. A parent has to protect his children. A parent has to caress his child's head and hug him when he cries when he gets sick when he needs consolation and not only. A parent has to protect his child from being abused by sick people like that man was. Can you understand this Jungkook? Can you understand that your father was mentally ill? "

"Just like me? "

"No. It's not the same thing. Never compare yourself with that man."

"But my mind is sick as well. I am aware of that. I know I am not normal. But it's nothing I can do about. This is me. This is who I am. And I can't help it. Everything that I do it seems normal for me. It doesn't feel wrong, or right. It's just normal. And I can't control my impulses." Jungkook said before approaching you. Then kneeling down in front of you so he could be at the same eye level as you, he continued. "I am bad. I know sweetie. Trust me, I know deep inside me somewhere. As I said, my brain doesn't function normally. And I know you are aware of this as well. But you stubbornly still risked everything by keeping me here with you, in your house. You must be frightened and I wouldn't blame you. After all, when I lose my mind, I can become dangerous. And my question is... Why? Why are you willing to risk your own life for a stranger? A criminal with mental issues who can kill you any time. Maybe in your sleep without you even being conscious of what is happening to you. What are you doing you, stupid girl? What are you doing with your life? "

"You will not hurt me." You smiled shyly, your cheeks pink as you two stared at one another. Now I am sure more than ever after your words. Because you proved that you care a little. Just a little you are worried about me. I am happy." You grinned as you caressed his cheek gently. You couldn't stay away anymore. You needed to touch him just a little. The moment you saw with how much adoration he was looking at you, your heart started to dance. "And it's my life. My feelings. If what I am doing isn't right, at least I am listening to my heart."

Jungkook's eyes widened at your words. His heart started to race again because of you. His gaze dropped to your mouth, and when that happened your heart rate increased, warmth spreading through your entire body.

"Why did you come back so fast? I thought that you... " You couldn't finish. The moment his eyes meet your eyes again, you couldn't formulate one word. You started to tremble the moment his fingertips came in contact with the smooth skin of your cheek, even now feeling your skin burning under his touch.

"You are blushing every time. " Jungkook smiled sweetly under your shocked and embarrassed figure. Then he laughed softly seeing you becoming suddenly silent and uncomfortable. He could hear even your breathing changing its pace.

"I couldn't stop thinking about you. The way I left you behind, so disappointed after you told me that what I felt about you wasn't love, I couldn't take my mind off you. So I came back. You seemed hurt. I couldn't fuck anyone in these circumstances." Jungkook sighed before rolling his eyes.

And... he just ruined everything.

You pushed him away from you and stood up ready to leave the room and close the door in his face.

But Jungkook laughed. He grabbed your arm and pulled you in his arms. He was still laughing. You loved the way his laugh sounded and you couldn't stay mad at him for too long. You smiled and hugged him back.
"Damn you for being this cute. I hate you."

"You love me."

"You wish. I hate you."

"Are you sure? " Jungkook teased, his hands sliding up your back as he searched your face.
"Because I do love you. In my own way."

"And what that even means?" You again blushed under his intense gaze. Then taking you by surprise he kissed the side of your neck.

"You make me feel real." He whispered between kisses.

You closed your eyes. His lips on your cheek now made your heart flutter.
"You make me want you more and more. I never wanted anyone this much."

You forgot everything you wanted to ask when his lips were felt against the corner of your mouth.

"So yes, I love you... In my own way."

You wanted him as well. Your heart and body yearned for his touch and kisses. But something was missing and it hurt. You didn't understand what that was.
All you could understand was that... you wanted to know more about him.

And another thing you understood at that moment was that this Jungkook was born from the real one's desperation of disconnecting himself from reality. He wanted so much to run away from his cruel fate that he constantly told himself that everything was happening to him it wasn't real.

A tear rolled down your cheek as you felt his arms tightening around your body, as well his tears on your cheeks the moment his lips touched yours.
You felt your chest tight. You knew what you wanted.
You wanted to reach him. The real him.
You wanted to wake him up and show him another reality.
You wanted to hug him.
You wanted to show him what happiness means.
You wanted to protect him and heal his mind.
You wanted to make him believe in something.

As well, you wanted to show him what real love means and that he could trust in someone who would never hurt him.

Jin was holding an old picture between his fingers. With his other hand, he caressed a smiling little boy, his brown hair ruffled by the wind.
Jin's eyes saddened for some reason.

Where are you? I miss you so much.