Deviant

Words with no meaning

Your pov

The only thing I could do was sit on the couch in the middle of the dining room and stare into space.

Naeun left. Of course not before she promised me to meet up tomorrow and talk. 

And Jungkook... Well, he locked himself in the bathroom.

He must really like bathrooms more than anything.

I sighed heavily.

"We are not talking about you! Do you have any idea of how I feel?"

His words brought sorrow to my heart. I closed my eyes and took a big breath. Of course, it's hard for him. I should have tried to understand what he is going through before raising my voice. At that moment the evidence of his innocence weighted more than anything else. Even more than his feelings. My eyes sting. It was the first time after four years when he raised his voice and looked that way at me. So hurt and disappointed. It brought me back to the past when I dragged him to the hospital against his will and tied him to the hospital bed. Back then I could read in his eyes the same disappointment and hurt. I guess it will always remain stuck in my mind. I would never forgive myself for bringing him so much pain.

I couldn't help but also feel frustrated. We were this close to proof his innocence. We couldn't let this slip through our fingers. Why can't he understand? He can finally stop running and have the freedom to do anything he wants. We could finally get rid of these heavy chains which without mercy suffocate us each day. I just want what is best for him. I want to see him walk freely on the streets without anyone throwing disgusting looks his way.

My vision blurred. It's so hard to make him open up. But I'm the one talking? After all, I'm the same. Sometimes it can be terrifying to let another person see who you really are.

Before opening up entirely, first, we need reassurance, again and again, that we're liked, that no matter what we are going to be ok. That we will not be abandoned. That it's ok to be afraid, to have doubts, and make mistakes.

That it's alright to trust someone, let go of our fear and let our guard down once in a while.

It seems simple but it is not. Actually, you need lots of courage to do that. If in the past you have given people your trust and you've been taken advantage of, then it's almost impossible. Because of the pain you once went through, you know it too well. And if you get close to someone then there is the possibility of the same pain and betrayal.

And here we are talking about Jungkook. One big pain in the ass.

His words from a couple of moments ago were ringing in my ears and my mind, again, started to play tricks on me.

Flashback

"What the heck are you doing? Get off my daughter, you son of a bitch!"

I opened my eyes and grabbed my head, trying to block the images that suddenly started to assault my mind.

"I... I didn't do anything. See? I didn't touch her. Take it, easy man."

"She is just a child, you scumbag! Get ready, because I'll make sure you'll never see the sunlight from now on."

"Did he do anything? Y/N, are you alright sweetheart? Y/N?"

"Y/N?"

End of flashback.

It's been so long since then. And I didn't remember it until now.  Somehow I managed to block those memories somewhere in the back of my head to not let them control my life. But the past couldn't be erased. It was still there, in one way or another, shaping my future.