Hawai'i Talks Story [Countryhumans and Statehumans Oneshots]

Britain Is A Short Fuck

A/N: helicopter_stan is the person to thank for this lovely title, and WeirdestArrow is the one to thank for SHORT FUCK BRITAIN.

Hawaii took a deep breath, looking back up at America. "I guess this is it. It's not every day a country 'comes back to life', is it? And... I haven't seen Britain or France in forever. Wonder how much they changed. Or if at all."

America shot a small glance, then laughed a little. "Well... they are a bit... different than you remember."

"I don't like that laugh. What changed? Other than the ass being married to the bigger ass?" Hawaii said, cocking an eyebrow.

America seemed to hold back his laughter. "You'll see."

—-

"Sandy? Is that you?" Britain's voice said, and Hawaii took a deep breath, ready to face him again. Rehearsing the speech she prepared in her head, she turned around, and was surprised to see a man a little taller than her.

Wait, this isn't him. It can't be. He was... Oh my god he shrunk.

"You're short." Hawaii said, starting to laugh "YOU USED TO BE SO TALL AND NOW YOU ARE ALMOST AS SHORT AS ME."

"I think we have established that my height is different now." Britain said, seemingly irritated. "Are you done yet?"

"Nope! This is payback for when I used to be scared of you." Hawaii laughed. "I could pick you up if I wanted to. Oh my god this is hysterical. What's the reason you lost your height? Because you aren't a world power anymore?"

"Hilarious. Now you can stop it." Britain looked over at America pleadingly. "Please help me."

"Sorry Dad, I'm just watching the show." America grinned, "Hawaii, don't destroy his pride too much."

"You know I never listen to you anyway. I have a need to tease the midget. Call it my revenge on him and France." Hawaii giggled. "Oh, where's Miss Frog Legs right now? I need to see you two together, because right now the mental image is hilarious as it is."

As she said that, a woman who was a bit taller than Britain. Before she could speak, Hawaii started laughing again, tears coming from her eyes. "You... you're... Oh my god how did this happen? I can't breathe..."

"Then suffocate." Britain said, as if that was going to help him any.

"Did I anger the short-stack?" Hawaii wiped a tear. "I can't believe how small you two are."

France gave a small half-smile. "It's been a long time, Hawaii."

"I get why you married now!" Hawaii laughed. "You had to compensate for all that land lost! If you stood on his shoulders, maybe you'd be half the height you used to be."

"Now, listen here..." France started angrily.

"I never knew you were into taller girls, Britain!" Hawaii interrupted, nearly choking on her laughter. "And France, of all of them! You married Ms. Frog Legs!"

"And here we go. Goodbye, nice seeing you again." Britain said, turning to leave. "If I had known I would get this I wouldn't have tried to talk to you."

"No, wait! I haven't seen you in over a hundred years. I have so much to say!" Hawaii grinned. "Only a percentage is about how short you both are."

Her laughter was interrupted by someone coughing a little, and she turned to see a much taller person put out his hand to her. "Hawaii, I presume? Pleased to meet you."

"You must be the UN. Aloha. What were we supposed to be doing again?" Hawaii asked. "I was sidetracked by the menehunes over here being so tiny. Where are the real Britain and France? There's no way they are this short."

America's laughter in the background just got louder. And the entire thing was caught on camera by Ireland, who had started it as soon as it looked like it was getting good. This was going to be so much better than expected.