Shades of Chase (English Version)

Chapter 30

Peace and satisfaction came like a surging ocean waves as Chase and I were lying beside each other in the bed. We lay there for almost half an hour, just quietly hugging each other while listening to each other's breathing.

"Do you still feel comfortable lying this close with me after of what he did to you?" Chase all of a sudden asked while stroking the softness of my slightly damp hair.

I curled the fingers on my toes the moment I heard that question. I already knew who he's talking about and I prefer not to answer that at this moment.

When we both got out of the shower, I'm already decided to forget what happened today and move forward. If I think about the things I saw with Allistair, I will definitely not be relieved and remembering it just brings back  the pain which I wanted to dismiss.

"I wanna know, Allison. I'm worried..."

I let out a loud sigh. I looked up at him. Because my head was on his shoulder, I'm able to look at him more closely.

He's staring at me, intensely and carefully. His eyes were still holding that same sadness he had been holding since that happened. I gave him a small smile before I went to having my head placed back above his shoulders. His hold on my waist tightened, my hand wrapped over his stomach became firmed.

"They say that if you truly love someone, then forgiving them and forgetting the mistakes they've done would be easy, regardless of how big their fault was. I admit that it's not going to be easy, considering the gravity of the situation, Chase, but I'm more than willing to do so because I know you did not intend to do it."

I just wonder why Allistair's persona is like that. He's like a sex addict. From the very first time he introduced himself to me, never did I saw him calm. He always loves to have sex with me. It's just that, his way of having sex is far from the definition of the word calm.

He's too aggressive. Too rough and needy. Different from how Chase is. But if I would try to recall the first time that we did that, I can't help to think and ask myself if it was Allistair I'm with when he had me back then.

It's possible...

"I wanted to know, Chase. Though I'm not sure if you will also know the answer to my question." I said.

He didn't answer, obviously just waiting for my question.

"The first time we had sex... if you still remember how aggressive you were then. Like how Allistair is. Do you think, it was him I was with during that time and not y-you?"

"Neither Chase or Allistair gave you that mind blowing orgasm, babe. It's no other than me."

My breathing suddenly made a halt. I froze at that and literally was rooted in place when I heard him. My hands slowly loosened from embracing him and carefully looked up at him.

I saw Chase looking down at me. The edge of his lips was raised in a playful smirk. Even his eyes show a playful aura, gone the sadness that was reflected there earlier.

"It's nice to finally meet you, Tanya. I don't think I've already introduced myself to you the first time we hang out together. Samantha keeps on stopping me because she said Chase would get mad at me. Does she think I care?" he chuckled.

I woke up immediately, my eyes wide as I stared at him. He watched fear swallow me wholly. The smirk on his lips widened even more when he saw my reaction. His eyes hold danger and darkness and it's making my insides slightly tremble in fright.

"I'm Theo, Chase's twin alter. I like you as much as he does but I don't think I wanna be committed to you..."

Theo? Twin alter? What does he mean by that? Does that mean it's not only Samantha, Allistair and Richard who lies inside Chase's body? W-Why is there another one that I've met only now?

"Don't believe that bastard too much. He's good in playing with women's emotions — oh, crap. Here she goes again..."

Theo bow his head and shut his eyes tight. He massaged the bridge of his nose and spit a fluent curse. He looked up at me and I automatically stepped back. My heartbeat accelerated even more because of my mixed reaction.

From being serious, Theo's facial expression suddenly turned vibrant.

"Hi, Tanya. I'm so sorry about Theo. He's being so stubborn to go out and talk to you. Chase is already getting mad, sweetheart."

"S-Samantha..." that word almost came like a whisper.

She smiled sweetly at me. "Don't pay too much attention to Theo. He just loves having immature fights with Chase. Oops, gotta go! I can feel Chase already. See you soon, Tanya!"

Samantha shut her eyes, blew a deep breath and then unlocked them again. She gazed at me for a short while. He was the one who looked away and leaned his head on the bed's headboard.

"I'm sorry..."

My breathing hitched. "C-Chase?"

He gave me a side glance. He gave me a small smile. "Come here, baby."

Only then did I breathe a sigh of relief after hearing that from him. Heart still galloping inside my ribcage like a horse trying to win a race, I moved to where he was and sat beside him.

He pulled me by my neck and gently leaned me towards him. He gave my forehead a long and steady kiss that made me close my eyes.

It's always been different when it's Chase who's doing this to me. He's always been my home.

"I'm sorry about Theo. There isn't a day that we don't get along. Sometimes he's quiet. But most of the time, he's getting into my nerves."

"W-Who is Theo, Chase?"

He glanced at me and gave me an apologetic smile. "He's my twin alter, Allison. My damn opposite."

"What's a twin alter? And, y-you know...whenever you're switching?"

He sighed as he wrapped his hand on my waist. I can sense the hardship gnawing him but I chose to act that I didn't notice it. I acted like it was nothing for me, that these things concerning about his condition weren't new to me because he would definitely become uneasy knowing I was probably feeling a bit scared. Especially as this is the first time I've seen them switch within minutes or seconds apart.

"It will be hard for you to understand what a twin alter is but Theo is my opposite. We have the same age. We don't share the same opinions, perspective in life and such. He always, always contradicts me. And yes, we are communicating. Samantha and I are the ones who talks often. She's like a sister to me."

And while listening to him tell me about his condition, it feels like he is slowly learning to accept it? It seems to me like he's slowly learning to accept his alters and the kind of world he has.

"If you don't mind me asking, how did it start Chase?"

For the nth time he took a deep breath as if he needed to do that before answering my question. Maybe I should stop asking him questions. It's clear that DID patients don't really remember their past. If there are any, that's very vague. Their memories are fragmented into pieces.

"Don't know much about their past. Can't remember it, Allison. But one thing I'm certain, I am with them since I was still a kid. They're with me. They have been part of my life since heaven knows when..." He glanced at me and gave me a gloomy smile that made me feel the immense pity for him. "And maybe, I should start accepting them, too."

I actually think that's the best way to deal with it, Chase. You have to accept yourself first before you let those people around you accept you, too. Not me, though. Even if you have difficulty accepting yourself, I've already accepted you wholly.

I never asked Chase again or brought up things that I knew I wouldn't be able to find a definite answer either. I am contented with the things I know so far. Once he decides to visit his therapist again, I know for sure that I'd be able to discover new things about him. I know that as days go by, there would still be things which would surprise me but I'm ready for it.

I just need to get used to it.

The next morning, we both decided to go home. My mom wasn't worried at all because Chase called her last night and said that we had something urgent we had to take care of. She told us that Reil was sad when he found out that I couldn't go home. He's used to having me beside him every night.

"I'm excited to see him..."

I looked at Chase when he said that. He's maneuvering the steering wheel, his elbow leaning against the window. Joy was dancing in his eyes for some reason. Probably he's thrilled to see his son again.

Even I was infected by his joy and smiled as well. I anchored my attention back to the moving views ahead of us and crossed my arms above my chest.

"Reil would be happy to see you again. He has been asking me about you since last night."

From my peripheral vision, I saw him shot me a quick glance.

"What did he ask you?"

"He was asking when will you come back. And also if..." I exhaled.

"If?"

"If it's possible for you to stay in the same house with us."

I looked at him. His smile disappeared and was replaced by worry.

"I'm honestly thinking about that, Allison. I want to live with him under the same roof. But I'm afraid it's not the right time yet to do that because of my condition."

They say DID has no cure. The only way to get through it is to accept and learn to control it whenever switching happens. His alters will forever be there with him. Even if he and Reil lived in the same house, even after a long time, his situation would remain the same.

"What if taking care of Reil can actually help you to control your alters from coming out?" I asked hopeful.

No words. He stayed silent for the next couple of minutes as if he's thinking about my suggestion, too. Not too long when he looked at me, eyes laced with worry and fear.

"Can I do it?" he asked. "Will I be able to take care of him without letting him know my situation?"

"You don't have to tell him about your condition for the mean time. Reil is too young for him to understand it. For now, what you need to do is to be with him and care for him. Show him how you love him and try to give him a family—"

"With you..."

I was stunned, my cheeks heat up with what he said.

"Would come you come and live with us, Allison?"

I couldn't answer right away, I admit there was doubt in my heart because of what happened between Allistair and me. I feel like, I won't be able to live in a house where I'll just be reminded of that thing.

"Don't worry. We won't live in that house anymore if that's what you're thinking. I already sold it to one of my colleagues yesterday." Those words from Chase made my breathing falter.

"W-What did you say?"

He looked at me for a moment and smiled sparingly as if he was expecting my reaction now.

"I only want nothing but to love you, Allison. Respect you, more so. That house will only make you remember what happened between Allistair and you and I don't want that. I want to give you a peaceful life despite loving a man like me..." he stated, every word was clear like it's meant for me to understand it. "I'm sorry for bringing chaos to you. I'm sorry if I am the chaos."