Shades of Chase (English Version)

Chapter 35

I feel like I wanted to faint every time Theo and Chase take turns switching in front of me. Within a day I could not count how many times the two bickered at each other. But unlike before, I can clearly see that Chase is somehow accepting his twin alter and its personality.

I also noticed that he’s slowly learning to control his anger. He is no longer easily angered. Often he would just shakes his head and close his eyes tightly. Compared to before, I can say that he has changed a lot.

“How long are we going to stay there, Chase?” I asked while were flying on his private plane.

After we both found out that I’m pregnant, he told me that he wants to have an out of town trip with Reil and Mama. She immediately agreed and said that breathing fresh air would be good for my pregnancy. They have been extra careful when it comes to me. Especially Chase… and Theo.

“Three days, I guess. Do you want to stay longer?” he asked while caressing my hair.

I was leaning against his shoulder and the way he held me makes me want to close my eyes and have some nap. I've just been sleeping for the past few days.

“No. I'm fine with three days. I know you also have things to take care of in your company.”

“You know I can always set aside everything for you, Allison.”

I smiled sparingly at him even though he couldn’t see it. I wrapped my hand on his waist and sniffed his cool shower scent.

“You smell so good…”

He chuckled. “You love my smell. You’re craving for my scent?”

“Is this the stage for strange cravings? If yes, then probably, I want to crave for your scent and I want to crave for you alone, Chase.”

He laughed before he hugged me back and kissed me on my forehead.

“What are we going to name our baby?” he asked.

"I want the name to start with our initials."

“Hmm. Letter T?”

My forehead furrowed. When did the name Chase started with letter T? And then it dawned to me…

“Theo and Tanya — sounds perfect, isn’t it?”

My eyes rolled spontaneously after hearing that. I never let go of his embrace because he definitely wouldn't let me go either. It already happened a lot of times. I was initially hugging Chase then I would end up with Theo.

"Theo, why are you here again?" I asked lazily.

“I want to name our baby after me.”

“How about Chase?”

Even though I know the truth that Chase has been with me lately, and that he is definitely the father, I wouldn’t dare say that to Theo anymore because he might get even more upset. I'll just let him or Allistair believe that all three of them are the father.

He didn't answer so I looked up at him and caught him frowning. I laughed. I’ll admit that there are times when I get pleased about Theo’s behavior. He’s really the opposite of Chase.

Chase is very serious while Theo is naughty and loves to always argue with me. Not procrastinating. Sometimes I just give up because I know for a fact that we will definitely have a long discussion as he refuses to back down.

“So how about this. Let's not just have the names from our initials. I'll just think of a random name and I won't ask for the opinion of you three so it’s fair for all three of you. How’s that? Is that okay?"

“Sounds fair, babe. Thanks for considering our feelings.”

My heart almost jumped from my chest when he took my hand to his lips and kissed it tenderly. I raised my gaze and looked at him. There’s a small smile on his lips. Since the first time he decided to show himself to me, it’s the purest smile I’ve ever seen in him.

It makes me wonder what trauma Chase had been through when he’s young that made him create Theo?

“Your existence is the best thing that ever happened to us, Allison…” he said those words as sincerity laced with his voice. “Thank you.”

If I would be given a chance and I was made to choose, I would still want to get to know Chase despite the situation and personality he has.

People have to know that Dissociative Identity Disorder victims are not disgusting just because they have mental problems. The last thing they need is pity. What they need in this world full of insults and judgements are love and understanding. Understand where they’re coming from, understand what kind of trauma they suffered before and the situations they’re currently in. Lastly, we have to learn to accept and love them for who they are.



☽☾



We got to El Nido not long enough. I was not surprised anymore when I found out that Chase has his own private resort there as well. But instead of staying there, we thought of going to a public beach instead so Reil can interact with other people as well. We hope he enjoys himself and have fun on this short trip of ours.

“You want us to rest in the bedroom first? We'll take a walk later when the sun isn't so bright.” Chase said as we exited from our Villa.

Mama and Reil were there on the beach and playing ball. The smiles on Reil's lips were contagious. He was undeniably happy.

“It’s okay, Chase. I prefer it this warm because it good for me.”

Holding my waist, he helped me to sit on the white sand. The hem of my white flowing dress got along with the sand as I sat down. Chase fixed my dress before he finally sat behind me.

The ocean as waves of blue-light moves over horizons unmeasured. I rested my head on Chase's chest as his hands wrapped around my still flat tummy.

“The place is so beautiful, Chase. It so peaceful.”

“You want us to live here?”

I laughed. “It’s hard for you to live away from the city. Your life is there— ”

“Your arms are my home, Allison. You, Reil and our future child. Anywhere with you is fine. I can leave the world I grew up in exchange for a peaceful life with you.”

I placed my hands on his hands above my tummy. I took a deep breath and thought of the possibility that we would live here. Could this place help him cope up? Could this place be a way to somehow limit the pain he is experiencing due to his situation?

We will be far from everything that triggers him and his alters. Could this place offer him the freedom and peace he wants?

"I don't want to close my door on that possibility, Chase." was my only answer to him.

“Hmm, I’m always here to listen. Just tell me right away.”

I answered with just a nod. I felt thirsty so he left me for a while to get some water. When he got back I was surprised when he sat a few centimeters away from me. I was expecting him to sit behind my back again.

And where is the water I asked him?

I stared at him. The expression on his face was serious as he looked out at the wide ocean. The sunbeam peeking through the tree was hitting the side of his face. I coughed and averted my gaze from him.

“Allistair…” I said.

“How did you know?”

"I felt it somehow. Chase and Theo were treats me differently, especially Samantha and Richard. In the few months I've known you, I've learned to get along with them…” I stopped and felt the atmosphere for a moment. "Except for you."

“You might be thinking that I hate you or what but I don’t. I’m sorry if there were times that I disrespected you. I know there are times when I always end up hurting you but I want you to know that I didn’t mean any of it.”

I didn’t answer him back. This is the first time I have heard Allistair open up and tell me such things. We never had a decent conversation and it surprises me hearing the calmness on his voice.

“I was a victim of sexual abuse when I was young. Two adult woman took my innocence away and even dared to sell me to their friends. Sex in exchange of money. At a young age, I had to deal with the fact that not all children are holding toys on their hands. In my case, I learned how to play with private parts because that’s what they taught me.”

I turned to Allistair, I can feel the rapid beating of my heart. There was no emotion on his face other than its darkness as he stared at the scene in front of us.

Didn’t they say that DID systems create their alters to protect them from their own traumatic experience? If that’s the case, then Chase created Allistair to block his mind from those painful memories? So this is probably the reason why he not did mention to me about this matter? Because he cannot remember it, thus creating Allistair. And Allistair is the one in charge of this part of his memory?

Allistair bore his eyes into me and all I could see was pain and sadness.

“I’m sorry, Tanya. I couldn’t help it when I look at you and compare you to the women who used me before. I used to think that you’re also one of them — that all you know is to have sex with me so that’s what I always gave you. It’s then I realized that you’re way different from them.”

"Why are you suddenly telling me all this, Allistair?"

I know they all have the same face and there is no difference in how they look every time they smile at me but only now have I seen Allistair smile at me without me feeling any fear and apprehension.

“I want to open up with you. I want to apologize. I want to tell you how sorry I am for disrespecting you. And I want us to be okay.”

I smiled sparingly at him. “We didn't have a good start but I see no reason not to accept you and forgive you. I do not hold any grudges against you. Let's forget the past, Allistair.”

He suddenly took my hand and held it tight. He carefully pulled me closer to him and hugged me. He kissed me on my forehead before letting out a sigh.

“Thank you for bringing the light to us…” he whispered. “Thank you for being our sun.”