Crushes Over Papercuts- A Mid 90s Tale

Chapter 1

I wish he didn't exist.

I knew it was a selfish thought but it would make everything so much simpler. Maybe I could finally be happy, barely visible on the sidelines, if he just didn't walk by my locker everyday looking the way he does.

I rolled my eyes. Don't blame him for the way he looks.

Ben and I orbited around different worlds. His was loud, and big- full of parties, homecoming court, and Varsity jerseys. And mine was...not.

I heard his footsteps and recognized his voice above all the others that echoed off the school walls. Not one word had ever been meant for me but that didn't stop me from listening to him as he approached. He was close.

I gazed in the small mirror glued to the inside of my locker door, angled not on my reflection, but on the hallway behind me- a memento left behind by an earlier graduate and now a permanent fixture in my daily routine of watching Ben pass by.

His dark hair and sun-kissed skin filled the mirror and all other thoughts escaped my mind.

Is it possible he became even more beautiful over summer?

Seconds later he disappeared and with him my dream of ever getting closer.

I fiddled with my spiral notebook, feigning interest in the pages, until my best friend Nicole leaned in close. "You know Jenny, you could try talking to him."

I shut my locker. "What would be the point?"

Nicole and I had been best friends since first grade when her family moved six houses down from me. The only fight I could remember us having was in fifth grade over which member of New Kids on the Block was the hottest.

Lauren tightened the ponytail of her long, red hair. "I'm starving."

''Me too," Lily said as she reapplied her lip gloss. "Let's go before the lunch line gets too long."

The four of us headed towards the cafeteria. Towards Ben.

#

It was the usual sights in the cafeteria with each social group settled at a table- their own little reserved area of school. There was an unspoken rule about these things, as if someone had unofficially decreed assigned seating in the cafeteria and we all accepted it without question. We chose a table located in the center-left of the room on the first week of school. I never said it out loud, but I supposed the girls suspected I picked that table as it sat one row over and only a short distance from Ben and his friends. He was a grade above me so there was little chance I'd ever share a class with him so lunch was the closest I'd get.

I pretended not to notice him but my eyes would slip and steal a glance when a laugh echoed from his table, which happened often. Every day was a good day for Ben and his crew. I used to worry he'd catch me watching him from my locker or lunch table but he'd never once looked my way or made eye contact with me. My name or who I was remained a blank thought to him.

The cliques at our high school kept with their own crowd. The jocks hung with the jocks, the math and science enthusiasts in one group, drama in another, the preppies, band players - groups assembled based on hobbies and interests, and more importantly, social status. Our little foursome was an exception.

Lily, with her posh tastes and rich parents, could have fit in with the preppies. Lauren played second chair clarinet in band and spent most of last summer practicing formations on the school field before finally giving up marching band, preferring instead to concentrate on soloist competitions. My eyes flicked to Ben and his table. Nicole could be there with the other Varsity players and athletes but she gave up gymnastics and cheerleading in the eighth grade. She said she was too scared to turn into her older sister Tiffany, former cheerleading captain and homecoming queen.