Crushes Over Papercuts- A Mid 90s Tale

Chapter 32

"I've been wanting to ask you this since the beginning," I whispered.

His breathing became shallower as my head rose up and down against his chest. I searched for better words to ask what had been on my mind since he showed up under my window after homecoming but there were none. "What made you choose me? You could have anyone. Why me?"

Ben squeezed my hand but kept his eyes on the stars. "I hate that you want to ask that question. It's as if you see yourself unworthy of me."

"I'm so happy with you that...I just can't believe it sometimes."

"It's simple. I'm with you because you're the one I want to be with."

I closed my eyes. A year ago I wouldn't have believed this moment possible.

He pulled me tighter to him. "And I wouldn't be lying so close to you right now if I didn't think you were beautiful and I wasn't so damn attracted to you but that's the same for both of us but-," his last word hung in the air and then he took a deep breath. "But this is more than a physical attraction. You're always somewhere in my mind. I have to actively stop myself from thinking of you when I'm studying or playing ball. I struggle to keep my head in the game because I want to look for you, to see you, to know that you're still there. This is the first time I've ever felt this way and I -."

My heart pounded in my chest.

Please say it.

He adjusted his jacket draped on top of us. "Why did you choose me?"

I knew all the things that I loved about Ben but I never thought that I chose him too. I had crushed on him first, and only tutored Cody as a chance to get close to him, but that wasn't what kept me coming. The surface stuff had fallen away and been replaced by something far more intense. My desire for him was now for every part of him, for who he was.

"I had a crush on you from the first moment I saw you last year. I'll never forget standing in the cafeteria line on the first day of my freshman year about to pick up a chocolate pudding when your laugh made me turn my head. That's when I saw you for the first time.

And the day fantasy land came into existence but I'll always keep that to myself.

"I had no idea who you were but Courtney was sitting next to you so it didn't take me long to figure it out but we never crossed paths. I would watch you walk by but you never saw me."

"I saw you."

I sat up. "You did? When?"

He leaned on his arm with a smile on his face. "In the hallways and lunch. I even asked Courtney about you once when I saw her smile at you."

"What did she say?"

"She said you two hung out a few times when you were kids. I didn't ask anymore because the way she responded told me to drop the conversation but I finally understood why she tore up that photo of you." He ran his hand down my arm. "Maybe she could tell I was curious about you even then."

"But," I shook my head. "You never talked to me or even looked at me."

"Courtney and I were still doing our thing so I wasn't going to hit on other girls, but I tried once to talk to you when we were in the hallway alone but you refused to look at me. I even debating catching up to you but it seemed like you wanted nothing to do with me."

I put my hand on his cheek. "I wanted everything to do with you but you made me so nervous. And you were so rude to me the night of Cody's party."

"You were with Mark. Then I saw you talking with Courtney on the couch so I kind of considered you off-limits. I assumed you two were friends again."