saturday mornings are for pancakes // a dream x reader fanfiction

CHAPTER 51: TIME

I take a deep breath before knocking on Clay's door. I wait until I hear a "come in" before opening the door.

He sits up in his desk chair a little straighter, pausing the minecraft video in front of him. "Hey," he says, almost like he saw a ghost.

"We need to talk," I tell him.

He sighs. "I know we do."

"You said you were going to be honest," I remind him, "and I would really like that to actually happen."

"I know I said that," he says, "and I want you to know I don't want us to hurt each other."

I give him a small smile; isn't it in human nature to hurt other humans? Even if we don't know it, we hurt their pride, joy and feelings every day of our lives.

"We still could hurt each other." I raise my brows. "You know that right?"

"Of course." He glances at his monitor, then back to me, "but everyone's hurt when things are left unsaid."

I lean against the door frame, more for stability than anything. I remember my three points for a conversation.

One: I still have feelings for him. Two: He just got out of a relationship, and I will not be a rebound. I internally curse myself for not coming up with a third one.

I take a deep breath, preparing for impact. "Okay, then let's lay it all on the line, Clay."

He turns his swivel chair completely towards me, then he gestures to the end of his bed. "Do you want to sit, actually."

"I'm good standing," I say, remembering you want the high ground. This might not be Star Wars, but I take their advice anyways.

"Okay, um, I haven't completely come up with what I wanted to say yet," he begins, "so I'm just going to go off the top of my head."

I give him a nod, telling him to continue. I don't think this conversation is going in my favor. I've been holding onto him and these feelings for so long. We haven't even started talking, and I can feel the very thing I've been grasping onto slipping through my fingers.

"I- I just got out of a relationship," Clay tells me like I wasn't aware, "and I had true, genuine feelings for her. I don't want to invalidate my relationship with her by starting something new right after."

A pang sounds from deep in my chest. I think I'm going to be sick, but I swallow everything down. I will not cry.

"Then at the same time, I feel like you and I have been something that's a long time coming." He sighs. "I don't know how I didn't feel it or see it earlier, but it -we- we just make sense, y/n."

"That's a lot on your plate," I comment before I can even think. I wish I didn't say something mean, but that's what came out.

He chuckles, though, maybe thankful for the honesty. "Exactly," he says, "and I don't think it's fair to anyone; I just can't move on without letting go first, you know?"

My breath catches in my chest. I would know more than he could guess. Wasn't I trying to move on from him without actually letting go? Hadn't I stayed up late into the night wondering what was wrong? All I had to do was let go, and I wouldn't be standing here right now.

But then you wouldn't be standing here right now, the voice in my head says, It could all be worth it.

"I respect that, Clay." I remember my points. "I just need to know if you're going to view me as a rebound because I do have feelings for you."

That's the first time I've said the words out loud to anyone. I have feelings for Clay. The words hang in the air longer than I intended.

"You're not a rebound," he says immediately, "You won't be."

My mind focuses on the word 'won't'. Meaning not in the past as in a few days ago, not in the context of right now, but sometime in the future. My heart sinks.

He thinks really hard for a moment. "I think, that in order for this to be fair for everyone. You. Me. Natalie." My heart pangs at the sound of her name on his tongue, knowing she's not out of the picture. He clears his throat. "I think that in order for it to be fair, we need to take some space to think and let go and move on."

"You need space to let go and move on," I correct him, "Unless you're saying that me standing here is pointless?" He sighs, and my voice is a higher pitch than I'd like when I talk again, almost begging. "You promised honesty, Clay."

"You're right." He looks at his lap instead of meeting my eyes. "I need time to think about it all, so that I'm fully ready for when the world's ready to take us on."

But I'm ready for the world to take us on, I cry out inside, I've been ready.

"And you need space, from me, to think?" I clarify.

Now he meets me eyes, and he nods once, and I can hear my heart crack.

It's not a no; it's not a never; it's a some day, one day.

You've waited this long, I remind myself, and the best things do take time.

I clear my throat, hoping my voice isn't as thick as I think it will be. "Thank you for your honesty" i finally say.

"Thank you for listening." He gives me a weak smile. "Are you okay? Is there something you need to say?"

I think about it. I reach in the back of mind, the bottom of my heart, and I still come up with nothing.

I shake my head softly. "I think I'm good; have you said what you need to?"

He nods, and for the first time ever, I think an awkward quiet settles between.

"I'm going to leave you to your things," I say, "I'll talk to you later?"

"Of course we will," he says, "Goodnight, y/n."

"Night Clay," I say before walking out of the room. I stand in the hall for a moment after the door shuts, marking the finality of the conversation.

I got closure; that's what I was seeking. I don't understand how, but with that closure came a lead heart in my chest, wondering how much longer I have to wait.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

and the countdown continues....

hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! writing a conversation about feelings where they're honest is so refreshing to me, and i CANNOT wait to write the rest of this.

have an amazing day! i'll see you guys tomorrow :)