Parcel | StellJun

Chapter 42 - A Prayer

THREE in the morning and a restless soul is still wide awake. Pillows are all but soaked from an eye's heavy rainfall just because a heart has grown storms. Way back, it was just a hurtful root and a prick of stems but now, a storm gushed and it added tons of heavy metallic anxiety in his head.

Disturbing scenarios keep him awake. Tossing, turned, and a heavy grunt but still, no sign of sleepiness knocked him out. Those happened after he sneaks into his boyfriend's privacy which he clearly has the intention to do so.

"Ang unfair talaga ng mundo. Bakit kailangan ka pa niyang ibigay kung kukunin ka rin naman niya palayo sa'kin?" he cried once again, looking at Pavlo's smiling face in his phone.

"Mahal naman eh, bakit ka ba nakangiti? Kita mo na ngang umiiyak ako oh! Huwag ka ngang ngumiti ng ganyan. Mas lalo akong nahuhulog sa'yo eh. Mahihirapan tuloy ako." Then he wipes away his tears.

Right now, he's too broken and he is all but helpless. First, he has his dreams shatter into pieces and he is just right there, watching it all fall down painfully despite his blood and sweat combined.

Now, he can't bear to watch the love of his life slowly take off from his grip. However, if fate forbids it, how can he fight for it? He couldn't fight what he couldn't control. He can't even stop throwing questions of why his fate seems so cruel to him and he ends up dying again because no one wants to give him some answers.

He sat up and his sobs became an ugly cry that if anyone might hear him, it will pour their drums into an acid rain from the thick, black eyes above. "Bakit? Nakiusap naman ako ng matino. Si Pao lang naman ang hinihingi ko. Kahit si Pao na lang pero bakit ang unfair niyo?"

"Bakit ba lagi niyo na lang akong sinasaktan? Ano ba ang ginawa kong mali? Nagmahal lang naman ako! Ang dami niyo nang kinuha sa akin. Pati ba naman si Pavlo?" he further ranted.

Flashes of images flooded like a reel before him; Pavlo's radiant beauty, his handsome face, his furrowed brows, his smiles, and his crescent eyes. His black and blonde streak of hair, his laughter, his sassy and angst-y side. He loves his childish whines and his ever-clingy Pavlo.

He will miss them all. He will miss his rich and raspy voice, his sweet voice, his bedroom voice, and his raw singing voice. He will miss their phone calls, and their online dates and he will miss flirting with him too. All in all, he will miss Pavlo Oliver. Everything about him. It hurts.

Discomfort. That is all he has now. He can't even breathe properly. His eyes are now stinging, his head is in distress, his chest feels like being pressed tightly, and all over his body feels sore.

His room has been all but messy since fifteen minutes ago, he keeps thrashing things out. Vester isn't a violent person and he too is surprised by his sudden action but he just lets all his emotions take him whole. Right now, all he can think is he is hurting.

He never dares to accept any calls from Pavlo. Joseph is not an exemption either. All he wanted was to be alone. He needed to think properly but he couldn't think straight. Not when his brain is just chanting Pavlo's name alone like a prayer.

It's Pavlo and Pavlo and Pavlo and Pavlo. Even when he types on his keyboard, his hands will always find the letters that spell his lover's name and while he reads it, he keeps on mumbling sorry into the thin air.

I'm sorry, Pavlo. I'm sorry, love.

He couldn't remember how long he had an episode. All he knows is that when he checks the time, it's already five thirty-three in the morning. He felt tired but still, he got up with all his might and patiently cleaned up his mess.

He fixes himself and he even spends half an hour inside the bathroom doing nothing. He's just there, sitting on the floor with only the shower above him. When he felt satisfied, he got up and dressed up.