Parcel | StellJun

Chapter 8 - Reflect-ion

LIKE a colorful beach umbrella during summer or the festive flags hanging in barangay festivals and during every occasion is a call for celebration in Pavlo's viewpoint. It could also be party balloons, foil curtains, cake, or wine on particular birthday parties.

It could also be a loud thud of music in a shack, a cocktail or a rum and disco in a club, or maybe colorful fireworks during holidays like Christmas and New Year's Eve. That's how it always goes.

People tend to party and celebrate on an occasion that seems important to them but in his mind, do people celebrate sexuality when someone suddenly blurts out and reveals himself or herself? That's odd to talk about it. Most people in his community aren't a sucker of understanding about this matter.

"I only heard nothing but a total blackout from them. Nakakaloka. Imagine, sobra-sobra ang kaba ko that time and ilang ulit kong gustong masuka na maiihi na ewan only to find out na after kong aminin ang sexuality ko, bigla na lang nila akong titingnan na parang... wala lang."

He remembered Vester's storytelling from the other line the night after their beach date. Before they go to bed, they usually talk randomly, and knowing Vester, he has a lot on his plate and that's how the younger got to share that particular memory with him last night.

"Hmm... you're disappointed that time since para kang nag-expect ng something from them, gano'n? And then it turns out na wala silang say about do'n?"

"Parang gano'n na nga. Pero hindi ko naman din sila masisisi. Duh, as if naman may gender reveal na naganap para matuwa sila. Pero okay na rin naman iyong crickets, at least no one judges me."

"What matters most is you already found yourself, Vester. Kahit naman anong sabihin nila, hayaan mo na. Wala ka rin namang inapakang iba. Nasa kanila na iyon if tatanggapin ka man nila o hindi. You know what's more important? Iyong natanggap mo kung ano at sino ka."

He remembered Vester's face after he said that. He looks like he wants to cry but he still manages to smile at the camera. He knows that even if the younger is loud and proud, he's also sensitive and a crybaby.

"Of course, Pao. I love myself so much... but—but I hate myself as much as I love me. I am my worst enemy and... and minsan nakakalimutan kong ako lang din pala ang ni-l-look down at nilalait-lait ko."

"Why?"

"Because I think I am not good enough. I think I needed to push myself more to the point na na-p-pressure na ako at nagkaka-injury na. Pakiramdam ko hindi pa sapat lahat ng efforts ko at minsan pinapakinggan ko pa ang sinasabi ng iba about me."

"Tey—"

"Lahat na lang. Lahat sila may say tungkol sa mukha ko, tungkol sa katawan ko, tungkol sa way ng pagsasayaw at choreography ko at lahat-lahat na. Feeling ko, it's too much to deal na. Mahirap ba akong i-appreciate? Mahirap ba akong mahalin?"

Pavlo sighed, heart clenched as he remembered it again. He wished that he was right next to him to comfort him since he could now see Vester's tears coming like a storm from his cloudy orbs. But what can he do? They're screen-apart.

"Vester? I hope you know how worthy you are and how loved you are. I want you to know that no matter what you do, do it with all your heart. It doesn't matter if you're not the best as long as you're doing your best to your potential."

"Hindi nasusukat ang galing mo sa sinasabi nila but their unkind tongues will probably help you or worst, it will drag you down. Choose wisely. I'll be your cheerleader. Sisigaw at sasayaw pa ako for you. Sana sapat na iyon to help you love your reflection."