"MASAYA ako para sa'yo, mahal. Sabi ko naman sa'yo makakagawa ka rin ng buong album eh. I'm so proud of my baby... so much!" With all the smile in his face, Vester projected it without hesitation despite of his soaked face while looking at Pavlo's latest album released.
He keeps on listening to it. "Pakiramdam ko, nandito ka lang sa tabi ko at yakap-yakap ako. Siguro, around this time ay nasa date na tayong dalawa. Nakaka-miss. It's either sino sa atin ang may achievements, malaki man o maliit, we still find time to cheers to it."
A tear falls into his eyes as he listens between the lines of the song entitled Restart. 'Yellow leaf suddenly slips, how it falls from my lips, alone into the decaying slit.' He knows well.
He's not dense. Pavlo wrote a diary in the form of music, compiled it and now he turned it into an album and let the world listen to his bittersweet songs. 'I once believed I found my home, gave all the red I kept so long, turns out a hoax, it's not a home but I still longed.'
"Pao, patawarin mo ako. Hindi ko naman iyon ginusto pero nasaktan pa rin kita." He let out an ugly cry as the lyrics of the song hits him hard. "Deserve ko naman ito. Pero sobrang sakit pa rin. Hindi ko na alam, Pao. Anong gagawin ko?"
'Wasted all the liquors I have in hand, cocktail-stained dress where you spilled a glass, only care less about those marks, all but dancing and a bark of a laugh.'
Pavlo continued singing and Vester listened despite his bleeding ears yet, his heart was worse. If only he could hear how it cracks for every breaking state it does.
'Wishing everything to restart, wondering how to undo life, back to where no hurt, does a keyboard undo time?'
Vester unknowingly nods as if understanding what it means. "K-Kung pwede lang, Pao. Ibabalik ko sa mga panahong hindi ko pa ginulo ang buhay mo. Ayoko na. Pagod na pagod na akong masaktan at sisihin ang sarili ko. Ayoko na ring nakikita kang nasasaktan ng ganito."
'I once believe I found my comfort, gave all the pot of gold in my own-made seven-color rainbow, but, but a final bow of a head, painful arrow splayed.'
Vester knows he should stop listening, that he is hurting and it's not good for him but he stays still and painfully absorbs Pavlo's breakable lullabies. Even how painful it is, it is still his baby's heart speaking from its very core.
'Oh, I failed once again to figure out how to shield my spot, maybe because the clue isn't written in your hands?'
Vester buried his face into his hands as he kept on saying sorry for messing up someone's life. Now he understood how it feels to ruin someone. He can't make it go away from his brain and he ends up staying awake all night thinking how much of a life's wrecker he was.
'I thought I found my rest, gave you all my best but pain follows and the rest.' Pavlo's right, that's what he thought. He's actually a storm coated with sugar and sweetness. That is what he is and that is what he wanted to believe.
If he could just restart or go back in time, he'll make everything in place. Maybe he would definitely follow Joseph's advice and never let the world break into his and Pavlo's trance. If he could still go back in time, he would stay and fight for his love.
Pavlo never gives up. If only he listens to him. If only he didn't push him away. If only he didn't neglect his efforts to save them... he is still part of Pavlo's life now and Pavlo could have written beautiful and uplifting songs instead. Not that his tracks aren't because, for Vester, it is painfully and terribly captivating.
Nonetheless, he is still happy about his success. The older always dream to launch an album and he's sure that Pavlo is happy for his new phase of success. Vester is just there in the distance, silently watching and clapping for his lover—ex-lover's every milestone.
He may look like a creep but he didn't care. All he knows is that he needs to be there. He never missed any of Pavlo's schedules; his interviews, his livestreams, his menpas, or his posts though he only updated once in a blue moon he still keeps his notification bell on, just in case.
He wanted to laugh at himself at how his table turned upside-down. Now he's here, being a loyal fan collecting his posters and pasting them in his walls. He may be crazy per to Joseph but it's his happiness. He tends to laugh at it though. Imagine being a boyfriend to just a fan now.
From being able to cuddle him to only hug a pillow now with Pavlo's face on it. From being able to kiss him freely to only kissing him in his dreams and fantasies. For him, being around Pavlo in the flesh feels so much better than being with posters and pictures. How he missed those good old days.
He smiled looking at his official album cover. Despite all, Pavlo still remembered him. "Yellow. Sunflower. Cute. Kamukha siya no'ng keychain na bigay mo sa'kin. Lagi ko siyang dala-dala kahit saan ako magpunta. Pakiramdam ko kasi safe ako at parang kasama pa rin kita."
"Alam mo, kapag may physical album ka na, ako ang unang-una na bibili." Vester reached for his sweat shorts pocket. "Tingnan mo, it's the replica of the keychain! Oh my god!"
His heart thuds and he swallowed while looking at the sunflower keychain. "Kung... kung babalik ba ako, may babalikan pa ba ako, Pao? Tatanggapin mo pa kaya ako after kitang saktan at iwan na parang pulubing namamalimos ng pagmamahal sa labas ng bahay ko?"
He buried his phone and the keychain into his chest as he cried his heart out. He thought it was for the best to never show up his face again. If he does, he will just add more injury to the bone. Pavlo deserves peace. He wanted him to heal because he knows Pavlo deserves it and he deserves better... better than him.
For now, he is readying his heart out for another tidal wave. Once Pavlo will recover fully and when he falls in love again, that will hurt him more than anything. Just by thinking about the possibility, it already pricks his insides.
"Maybe that time, you already coated your purple canvas with your lover's radiant," he thought, wiping his tears away.
***
End Notes: 'what if we rewrite the stars—' char, mukhang bumagay sa chapter. :D
BINABASA MO ANG
Parcel | StellJun
FanfictionFor Pavlo Oliver (Paulo Nase), it takes courage to count the waves of love. It takes a piece of his heart to go beyond the reef and is afraid to commit since the water is too shallow to begin with. Even if knowing there's someone who took a risk to...
