Parcel | StellJun

Chapter 46 - Orphan of Love

PAVLO woke up in the middle of the night. There in his dream again was Vester. He keeps seeing him everywhere when he strolls in the park for a quick lapse, when he shops, and even in the convenience stores.

When he drives with Dusty and when he types on his keyboard. When he will write a song, when he eats, when he bathes, and everywhere. Vester is everywhere around him and he is in everything he does much to his frustration.

"Please... lubayan mo na ako!" he cried out in the middle of the dark, begging for Vester's memories to stop haunting him because he was tired. He wanted him in the flesh, not just a part of memories in his head.

Vester may have left but his memories never. His purple skies still flash Vester's own light against his will. It has still the same intensity as usual. Although the owner has completely sailed away, Pavlo can't take down the beam of yellow light that easily.

He thought it was as easy as he had imagined—he just simply flicked Vester's light and eventually it died down from his touch. How he wished he could do that with open eyes. Unfortunately, he's stuck. He doesn't even have the heart to throw away his purple canvas.

Days and weeks and months have passed like a gulp of a rock glass yet it is still him. He cracks a smile on his pale and chapped lips. He already died when Vester killed him. How funny of him to wish for the one who killed him that he still appears on his doorstep.

In his dream, Vester's there, asking for his heart once again. However, who was he kidding? The calendar's leaves are yet to be down, one flips away and the year is done. Does Vester arrive? He's afraid not. No Vester knocks and no Vester comes back for him.

He was like an abandoned lover—an orphan of love.

"Bakit ka pa ba umaasa? Tama na ang kahibangan. Hindi na siya babalik. Iniwan ka na nga't lahat-lahat tapos ganyan ka pa? Mabuti pa ang kalendaryo, marunong mag-move on. Ikaw kaya, kailan?"

He scolded himself, pulling his hair harshly. Whether he felt his burning scalp, he couldn't bring himself to care anymore. His heart is doing no good.

"Hanep, Tey... ang sinungaling mo! Gagi ka, balikan mo na ako. Ano, alaala mo na lang ba ang laging bumabalik? Ikaw ang gusto ko eh," he sobs.

No matter how much he tried to keep it in his archives, it always had a way out. No matter how much he ignored it, Vester's face kept on pestering him. Every corner of his house reminds him of him so much.

In the kitchen, he often sees the younger cooking. In the living room where he and Vester have a lot of memories together that flash like a movie; their cuddles, their movie marathon, their make-outs, and even when they cry their hearts out and reflect after a fight.

In his music studio, he often sees Vester on the couch patiently waiting for him until he's done with his work. He often sees Vester standing in front of the window when it rains outside. He will extend his arms to him for a hug because Vester says he loves Pavlo's warmth when he's cold. Pavlo wonders if Vester still longed for his warmth every time it rained.

He often sees Vester behind him while he's brushing his teeth or when he's washing his face and the younger will playfully tease him, and hug him from behind while pinching his cute mammon as what the younger man used to call.

He often sees Vester in his bedroom and even hears the younger's laughter, soft noises, sweet whimpers, delicious mewls, heavy breathing, cries, and his breakdown when he has a problem and is seeking his comfort.

Everything. Anything. His house reminds him of Vester. Whenever he goes out, Vester is also there on the porch, pouting and asking for a kiss since Vester always makes kissing faces whenever he is about to leave.

How can I forget you when you keep taunting me in my head?

If only he could tell Vester's images in his head to stop. No matter how hard he tries to deny and to keep his rational mind intact, his heart will beg for Vester's love and even his body longs for his warmth and touch. He buried his face into the mattress.

"Vester, please help me hold onto my sanity."

He wishes that was enough. He wished it could reach the younger but he then smacked his own head in his pitiful state. Of course, it couldn't reach him anymore. The younger has long cut all the connections he has for him. He's nowhere to be found.

All of Vester's social media accounts didn't reactivate though the private account he made during those times when they are still together is still there but it's not functioning anymore. It's empty followed by a default display icon. He stopped strolling to that account with hope after Vester emptied all their memories there.

He doesn't know how to reach him anymore but he still keeps on sending an email to the younger. He doesn't know if Vester read it or if he changed his email too but still, he continue sending and sending.

Vester's email is now his so-called diary. Though he hasn't received any response at all, he loves doing it while he seeks a way out of Vester's memories. He needed to get out before he would lose himself in the process.

"Gagi! Paano ka makaka-move on self kung pati email niya hindi mo pinapakawalan?"

A long and frustrated growl can be heard inside his unlit room. "Vester, bakit ba ayaw mo akong patahimikin? Pati katahimikan ko ba, dala-dala mo na rin? Kung bumalik ka na lang sana..."

He shifted and now, he was lying on his back as he tucked his blanket for a certain comfort he'd been seeking and yet, it wasn't enough.

It's now three in the morning but he can't bring back himself to sleep. He just keeps on looking at the ceiling, picturing himself drawing caricatures in the darkness. He still lingers in Vester's memories even though it hurts. Biting his lower lip, he traces his long and bony fingers into his damp locks.

No one knows about what he's been doing behind closed doors. No one knows how much pail of tears he could have saved up. No one knows that every time he's busy and occupying himself with tons of workloads, he always ends himself exhausted.

No one knows that every time he's alone, his intake of alcohol is too much for him. Nevertheless, he shrugged it off. He just wanted an escape and his toxic coping mechanism helps him somehow—it eases the pain a little and it helps him to sleep.

Though it never gives him the satisfaction of a total distraction, he still deals with it without questioning his rationality—his brain can't operate a fully functional system now, not when System A, his mother system is broken and out of control.

He needed to attend to it in all ways possible so he often distracted himself in everything just to divert his brain cells in not thinking about Vester too much. He's thankful to have his friends and family to be his support system. He doesn't know what he would do without them.

"I'm f*cked up!" he said faintly.

***

End Notes: this is just a filler chapter so scroll down for another chapter and witness how a soul let go his heavy baggage in one gulp.