THALIA
When a woman dressed in a black suit approached me on a train track, whilst I was holding a bottle of blue spray paint in my left hand and a face covered with paint, I didn't hesitate to say no to her proposition:
BE HER BRIDESMAID AT HER WE...
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It was painful arriving at the docks. It was painful getting on the jet back to England. It was painful walking through the front door of the place that's acted like a home for the last time. It was painful packing a bag. It was painful saying goodbye and trying to convince everyone (and myself) that I wasn't an entirely horrible person. I don't think Dom believed me.
Now, as I stand in front of the front door with my backpack on my back and a heartbroken Richard Ford stood in front of me (and the bloody cameras filming us), I feel like maybe I made the wrong choice.
But then I think about what Esmerelda said.
And I know I've made the right decision. As much as pains me and breaks me and overall makes me want to scream.
"Come here, sweetheart." Rich says, engulfing me in a bear hug.
I let a few tears fall whilst he's not looking. "I'm sorry," I whisper into his white collard shirt.
I feel him shake his head, "don't be."
We let go of each other and I take a few steps back. I offer a small smile but I think it makes both of us feel worse just knowing that I'm faking a smile. That's worse than not smiling at all.
I feel lost right now. I don't know what to do with my hands. Or where should I look? I think I'm standing awkwardly. I feel like I've got a dozen eyes on me but it's only 2.
"Are you sure you want to go....?" Rich asks, his hopefulness is killing me.
"...I can't."
He nods, attempting to believe it. "You can, but it's alright."
It's silent.
Neither one of us wants to say goodbye first. All of me wants to stay in this house, in the comfort of this family. Because not only am I saying bye to the Fords. I'm saying bye to the only friends I've had in years.
Nadine - a powerful woman. An ice exterior but she's all soft and fluffy on the inside. She'd do anything for someone she loved, I admire that about her.
Stella - I haven't known her long but I can tell she's a good one. A keeper. I left Nikolai a note telling her to wife Stella up. I can tell it takes her a while to trust. But when she trusts you, she'll love you and you'll feel empowered by it.
May - May is just May, isn't she? Outgoing, bubbly, sunshine, always lightening the mood. I think we need more Mays in the world. Everyone needs a May in their corner telling them you got this! I know I certainly do.
"Farewell, Kid." Rich salutes me with a bittersweet smile on his face.
"In another life time. Please don't hate me."
"I couldn't, even if I wanted to, sweetheart."
We share a smile and a tear and a laugh.
And then I open the door and I leave.
Just like that.
The life I got annoyingly used to - gone. My friends - gone. My family - gone. My happiness - gone.
And what feels like my freedom - gone.
Because now I'm living by Esmerelda's rules, and I know I am going to fucking hate it.
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Being sat at a bus stop whilst absolutely murdering a McDonalds burger whilst a lot of kids you age walk past with Prada bags and Jimmy Choo's is really quite humbling.
I've got about £400, that I wasn't from my job at the cafe, to live off of. Which is clearly not enough. I can't stay in this area because what if I run into them? Maybe I should just go back to the care home.
The bus pulls up to the stop and I wait in the queue to get on.
When the person in front of me pats and si appears up the stairs of the double decker bus, I pay for my child single ticket.
I stay on the first level of the bus and make my way towards the back.
I sit down and shove my AirPods that Rich brought me (might have to sell them on eBay - but I won't have a home for anyone to pick them up from) into my ears and press play on my playlist.
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Being stood infornt of my old care home situated in Hackney is nerve wracking. How is Jimmy gonna react to me being here? He probably thought he finally got rid of me.
Walking up to the tattered front door I lift my right hand to it and knock.
It takes a few seconds for someone to answer but when the door opens I wish it never did.
Sadie stands there, staring at me, not trying to mask her displeasure. She's grown a few feet and her hairs a tad longer. But she still looks just as scary as she did before. And she's still clutching onto the damn bear.
I lift my hand warily to wave at bed and offer a small smile, "Hi, Sadie!" I greet her, keeping my tone soft.
She glared at me, "Thalia."
My smile turns into an awkward one, "yes, that's me, Sadie."
She's glaring even harder now, her eyes practically shut.
"Can I... come in?"
She stands there in silence, not making an effort to respond.
I sigh, dropping the pleasantries. I near her and grabs her in my arms and lift her up. She screams as if I just murdered her whole family and her whole second family. As soon as I get into the house, I put her down and she scurried away like a little mouse.
