THALIA
When a woman dressed in a black suit approached me on a train track, whilst I was holding a bottle of blue spray paint in my left hand and a face covered with paint, I didn't hesitate to say no to her proposition:
BE HER BRIDESMAID AT HER WE...
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I want to bash my head into a wall and keep it there.
Why did that hurt so damn much?
Telling the people I love that I hate them. Telling them to fuck off. That I don't need them.
Lies, they were all lies.
But Esmerelda said if I ever talked to them then there would be consequences.
I can't let them get hurt. I just can't.
But making them think I don't love them? That stings. They welcomed me into their home when no one else would. Loved me when I didn't even love myself. Treated me like I was their family.
They're probably confused.
We left on good terms, I made sure of it.
And now I've just told them I despise their existence. That can be a little confusing for the human brain to comprehend.
As soon as I exited the building and walked outside I let the rain drown my thoughts.
I'm telling myself that my face is damp from only the rain, not the waterfall of tears I cried not very long ago.
I don't even care how bad I look right now. I don't give a flying shit. I want the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I want to disappear. I wish I never existed.
It was hard. Telling Rich I didn't care about him when all I wanted to do was suffocate him with hugs.
And I just wanted to tell everyone so much.
I wanted to tell Dom that I understand him. I get it. I get why he pushes people away. I wanted to tell Nikolai that he doesn't need to be so reserved all the damn time. That his family isn't going to judge him for simply opening his mouth. I wanted to tell Gio that there's so much more to life than just technology. I wanted to tell Matteo to wipe that look of guilt off of his face. I wanted to tell Axel that it's okay to let your guard down. That he doesn't always need to appear so hard and emotionless all the time. And I just wanted to tell Bennu how great I think he is. He's just great.
But I can't.
I need to let go of Warren. He's connected to them. They're friends. I can't risk their safety.
I stand up off of the wet floor and curse at myself. Guilt floods all my emotions when I see little grains of dirt splattered all over the dress Warren gifted me with.
I start walking south. Or east? West or North? Fuck knows anymore.
I need to get out of here. I don't know where. Heaven? That's be nice. I think Hell is the only place in my cards though.
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