Recuperation

Childlike

Jason's pov

"Do you feel ashamed about what happened to you?" Grayson asked, his one leg crossed over the other as i sat in the middle of Justin's bed.

This is where i felt the most comfortable.

"Yes." I answered numbly, staring at one of the quotes he had on his wall.

"Can you explain further?"

"I let it happen, I was old enough to know what was happening to me and i just let it, I could have fought them away, I could have told someone about it, but they were my parents, they cared about me really." I nodded as if trying to make myself believe that, that statement was true.

"You are not at fault Jason, no matter if you were old enough to know what was happening to you or not, you were still a defenceless child that believed what his parents were doing to him was out of care, to a certain extent, you were not in the wrong." Grayson spoke determinedly, trying to get me to understand that what happened wasn't right.

I knew it was not right, but there is still a part of me and there always will be a part of me that believes it was my fault.

Maybe i was asking for it.

I just nodded as i picked up Justin's grape teddy that i had won for him at the fair, smiling as i though about that certain day.

The rehabilitation centre gave Justin his mobile back as they knew what happened to me and Pattie as well as Mark explained that we would need to be able to contact each other constantly.

After a little debating, they gave his phone back and i phone him at any chance that i get.

"What are you afraid of Jason?"

"I am afraid of nothing." I lied.

Grayson sighed a little but other than that kept his calm composure, "These sessions are about you feeling confident enough to tell me the truth, I am here to help you Jason not harm you."

Frowning, I pulled the teddy to my chest, much like a little boy would and buried my face into it, "I am afraid of losing Justin." I whispered.

"Your boyfriend, am i correct?"

I nodded and bit my bottom lip, "I am afraid of not being loved by him, I'm afraid that he will never forgive me for what i did to him, I'm afraid of being alone, losing everything i have right now, I don't know." I murmured, not wanting to talk about being afraid anymore, but i knew he was still going to ask me questions.

"What has caused you to need forgiveness from your boyfriend Jason?"

My bottom lip trembled as i clutched onto the teddy tighter, "I did terrible things to him," I whispered, my eyebrows furrowing, "Terrible things." I repeated, shuffling backwards on the bed and pulling the duvet up to my waist.

"Can you elaborate on that?" My therapist asked, placing the lid of his pen between his teeth and nibbled slightly.

"I bullied him," I spoke quietly, making him lean forward in his chair so that he was closer, "I tortured him, I beat him, I broke him down until he hated himself, until he believed that he was worthless, unlovable, ugly, fat, you name it," I started.

"And i enjoyed it," I admitted, "I enjoyed the power it brought me, I enjoyed the fact that someone was weaker than me, that someone was scared of me and i didn't care how much i hurt him, i didn't care how many cuts and bruises i left on his pale skin, i didn't care if i broke his bones or if i killed him, i wanted him dead." I sniffled.

"Do you know the reasoning behind the bullying?" Grayson asked, writing something down on his notepad.

"Yes, I believed that Justin was wrapped in cotton wool, I thought he had the perfect life with loving parents, loads of money, he had what he wanted, he was sheltered," I paused as another tear trailed down the right side of my face.