Recuperation

You all killed him

Jason's pov 

Lonely. Tired. Frustration. 

Guilt. Pain. Afraid. 

Numb. Miserable. Fear. 

Need. Withdrawn. Irritable. Worry. 

These are just the few things that I have been feeling lately, these are just the few words that have been floating around in my head, these words are making me the way I am and I cant help it. 

I feel lonely without Justin here and yes I know I have Pattie and Demi, but it is not the same because they cannot comfort me the way he can, I'm tired because I cant sleep and I cant sleep because I'm worried about Justin. 

I'm frustrated because he isn't waking up and it's been three months now, I'm frustrated because I don't know what to do with myself.

I feel guilty because this is all my fault, if I had never agreed to that slags brother then this wouldn't have happened, I feel guilty because I made my lover want to die, I made him want to kill himself. 

Pain, I feel pain mentally and physically, I feel pain in every way possible right now, I'm afraid that he isn't going to wake up, I'm afraid that he is going to leave me here on my own as selfish as it sounds. 

I feel numb to my surroundings, I feel numb when people try to tell me everything is ok.

Miserable. I am Miserable without him here. 

Fear, is once again me scared that he isn't going to come back to me.

Need. I need him here with me, I need him more than anything, I need to feel his warm skin against mine, I need to feel his lips against mine, I need him.  

Withdrawn. I feel weak without him, I feel tired and like an empty shell without him here with me, I cant eat, I cant sleep, I cant function without him here.

Irritable. I have a short temper without him here, I get irritated with people quickly especially nurses and doctors when they try to tell me to get off the hospital bed, that I shouldn't be staying here everyday, that I should be eating, who are they to tell me what I can and cant do? 

I'm negative about everything other than Justin, he is the only thing that I have been positive about, I know he is going to wake up, I know he is going to come back to me, I can feel it, but that doesn't mean that the worry of him not waking up isn't there because it is. 

I worry about it most of the time and Pattie or Demi always try to tell me to not worry and I don't want to be irritable with them but when they tell me things like that it makes me angry, I should be allowed to worry about Justin freely without them or anyone else telling me that I shouldn't worry about it. I know that they know I don't mean it if I snap at them or have a go at them over something, they know how I am feeling right now and yes, I have been taking my bipolar medication, but now Mark is trying to get me to take anti-depressants, but I don't need them.

When Justin wakes up I will be fine. 

I was currently in the shower and washing my hair as I stared into space, it was like I was a robot and I was set onto automatic because my brain wasn't telling me to wash my hair I was just doing it. 

I noticed that my hands were moving quickly through my hair because I just wanted to get back to Justin, I needed to get back to Justin because he might wake up and I need to be there when he wakes up no matter how long it takes. 

Once I finished washing myself then got out of the shower, I dried my body then slipped on a pair of boxers and basketball shorts leaving my shirt off as usual, walked over to the sink and brushed my teeth then quickly walked out the room where Demi and Pattie were sat quietly.