HE IS HELL

Chapter eleven

Chapter eleven

The months went by as Matthew and I grew more close, although missing my birthday in August, we video called to celebrate together. My confidence level increased with each meeting, each time I dressed up in a short dress Matthew liked and danced next to him in our local pub or club. My appearance had changed quite quickly – Matthew told me after the fourth time of coming over that I should wear high waisted jeans to even out my hip-dips and straight, brushed hair looks better on me, my eyeliner too – he preferred winged eyeliner. It was a big change but if Matthew liked it, I was happy. I eventually told Matthew about Tristan, without bringing up the phone call. He seemed interested, somewhat. I wanted them to meet each other at some point – they were the complete polar opposites but I hoped they would get along.

It was a Saturday in late October when I opened my eyes to see the tall man I love, with his back hunched over facing me. I quietly watched him for a few minutes, adoring the way his back looked. The few odd pitch black hairs on his shoulders accompanied by a few spots and small scars. His skin was pale – hardly showing his back muscles, he was shaped with hidden muscles with extra fat pouches. Silently, wanting to surprise him, I etched myself across the bed – my head finally near his knee cap as I looked up to him, his eyes drawn to his mobile as I looked down.

My heart sank.

My body shook with an unknown emotion.

"Katherine, you're awake." He quickly locked his mobile, placing it on the other side of him. I felt like I couldn't talk – the cat finally caught my tongue.

"Babe? I'm going to take a shower if you want to get some breakfast for yourself." I nodded as he left the room, stuck in the same position; my heart heavy and racing as I breathed slowly.

Why was he on the dating site? Why was he on another girl's profile? Am I not good enough?

So many questions entered my head as I heard the shower run. I laid in bed staring at the ceiling for what felt like years before I stood to go out onto the small balcony. The window of the shower room was open and I could hear Matthew singing along to his over the top music. I didn't know how to feel as I puffed my cigarette, debating on whether it was normal or not. I decided to search it up online, yet each story escalated more than I wanted to read in too.

Matthew joined me after his shower, towel wrapped tightly around his waist as he lit his cigarette. We were silent for a few minutes until Matthew spoke, his tone casual.

"It's Saturday right? You want to go to the club again as we didn't go last night. It's Halloween tonight isn't it?" I nodded, giving a small "Sure." back.

"I'll let the boys know. We can go to the pub first. We can pop out and get an outfit." He reached back into the house, grabbing his mobile off the kitchen counter. Eagerly he had rang each person, arranging tonight and confirming times. It was already midday as we walked back inside, deciding I would have a shower and wash my hair – I still couldn't bring myself to ask him, so I thought for now, I would forget about it.

"Katherine, I'm making lunch. You want eggs, sausage, beans and toast?" I shouted back a 'yes please' through the bathroom door – knowing I had to be quick as I switched the shower on, allowing the water to run down my body before washing my hair. Using the strawberry scented shampoo and conditioner, I shaved my legs, under arms, forearms, face - Matthew said I should shave to get rid of the peach fuzz, bottom and the intimate part. It felt like the quickest shower I had ever had when Matthew called to tell me lunch was ready.

We sat in the front room, plates upon laps as he switched on Red Dwarf – a series he and his mother enjoyed watching. I started enjoying it myself, more so the cat character, he always made me laugh. Sitting next to Matthew felt a little awkward as I took small bites of the sausage, worried about making too much of a chewing noise. I know it was just me feeling the tenseness of the room as Matthew finished his plate putting his arm around me, I needed to ask about the dating app situation but I wasn't quite sure on how and if I should – I didn't know if that was normal in a relationship or not.

"When do you want to start getting ready? They'll be here at about six and I need to go to the shop on the corner to get some beers." He asked in a soft tone, I looked at him with hooded eyes. "Anytime is fine. Can I come to the shop? I want to get a slushie." He nodded back as we both decided then to get dressed – myself staying in a pair of joggers, a large shirt with no make up and my hair up in a messy ponytail.

"Are you going like that?" Matthew asked as he looked at me from the bed. I nodded leaning against the door frame. He went to speak again when I blurted out what I was thinking – shocking myself at the confidence in my tone. "Why were you on the dating app?" Matthew looked at me with a furrowed brow. "When was I on the dating app? I don't think I have it any more."

liar.

"This morning, I saw you on it." I crossed my arms, an uneasy feeling echoing in my mind as Matthew stood, looking down at me.

"Oh. I'm using it for a group chat for my friends." I was confused by his reply. "Don't you have loads of group chats on your media?" I asked back, watching as the shock entered his eyes. Caught. He was silent for a few moments.

"Yeah. So? We just use this." He replied walking past me and to the door. "You coming?"

I feel sick.

It was silent as we walked to the shop, passing the pub on the corner and the petrol garage. Matthew wasn't the public affection type, so it was rare to hold hands as I looked at my empty hand. Regardless of the situation, I liked the feel of his hand in mine. Shaking my head and taking my purse out of my bag, we reached the shop. I headed straight for the slushie machine as Matthew went to the beer section, picking out a few packs of eights. We both paid and left, Matthew ignoring my attempt to speak as we headed home.

He acted as if it was my fault, something I didn't understand and debated – was it actually my fault? Surely not. He stayed silent as we entered the building and walked straight to the fridge, moving the contents around to fit his beers inside, keeping one out. I passed him, going to smoke another cigarette. I was stuck, I knew he was lying because I had seen it with my own eyes but he didn't want to tell me the truth – so what do I do? I sighed knowing the truth;

There's nothing I can do.

As Matthew ran back to the house for his forgotten wallet, I stood at the bus stop, swaying back and forth – nervous in case the bus came and Matthew wasn't here. Thankfully, he made it just in time as we both got on, paying a small fee each to get to the town center. Many shops had decorative skeletons and witch hats as we went into one that was hidden on the corner. It was as small inside as the outside. Many outfits hung on the rails, each a tad more pricey than they needed to be. Matthew quickly ran out of the small shop finding the exact outfit he wanted – a cowboy; whereas I stood in the corner, calculating if I had enough money for the rest of the month. Deciding that I did, I picked up the only outfit they had that was my size – A small, black and white, Beetle-juice costume. Nothing like the original. Fishnet tights and an open chest area, I chewed my lip, thinking I could wear a jumper over the top as I paid, leaving to get back home.