HE IS HELL

Chapter forty-four

Chapter forty-four

Two weeks had already passed and I had yet to return to work after spending my birthday inside the psych ward, admitting myself as Amy checked on Manya for me. I felt disgusted, alone and dirty as my arm throbbed. The stitches thankfully started dissolving but the itch of recovery drove me mad. Miles was no longer there, being discharged himself but I had made another friend - Mason, a gym addict who took me to the Japanese garden and let me follow him. There was a woman in there too, recovering from domestic abuse, I felt mellow towards her, not wanting to accept my own reality.

I came home six days later, my boss thankfully offered a month's holiday with part pay to cover most of my costs. Food was becoming a shortage for both Manya and I as coffee and biscuits were now my breakfast, lunch and dinner. I had called my mother and explained what had happened, she was both furious and upset with Matthew but accepted the incident. She had sent me some money by post as I eagerly waited by the front door for the postman to arrive, after-all, it wasn't money for me - this was money for Manyas' food. By the time the envelope arrived it was ten am on a Friday, two hours until Matthew had lunch so now was the best time for a shopping trip.

After I picked up some food for Manya, I received a text from my friend, Cameron. I was so grateful for him, Cameron had a habit of staying up late and walking to our local fast food place - Cameron had been meeting me at two am and buying me dinner just before I admitted myself. A wrap, fries, cola and my favorite ice cream. He was quickly becoming a brother to me and my dearest friend.

I had messaged Tristan but I haven't heard from him in so long that I wouldn't expect a reply.

I've really fucked up my friendships.

Amy was helping so much with taking me to go shopping and my friends at work regularly called me.

I had so many people around me.

But I felt so lonely.

The four magnolia walls were driving me crazy, the TV played constantly for background noise and my only company was Manya. I hated not being able to speak with Matthew but I also didn't know how to feel about him, whether he even felt a little guilt for what he had done.

Do I even want him to come home?

I sighed, frustrated with the lack of an outcome. Numbness seeped into my bones like a snake biting on its prey - nothing felt real and everything slowed down.

Am I going crazy?

It's the bloody magnolia walls.

Stretching my arms out, I sighed. I knew this month was going to be hard but I didn't think the hard would be this mentally exhausting. My feelings felt mixed - I missed Matthew that it hurt being alone at night yet at the same time, I felt scared if he came home so I locked the bedroom door at night and stayed awake until morning. Every time my phone made a noise, I hoped for it to be him and also dreaded if it was.

Do I still love him?

Should I even love him after what he did to Manya?

My frustration only grew worse and I began to feel sick. The stress and loneliness latched onto my brain and heart so heavily that all I wanted to do at that moment was sleep.

The stinging sensation in my arm became a constant reminder of what had happened - that it was real. As much as I did hate to admit it, my sunken eyes and prominent collar bones showed how real this was.

I was left with so many questions for Matthew, each one unanswered, each one creating another scenario. I believed that no matter how much time passed, this memory would never fade.

And it was my choice whether I live with them or not.

Manya had fallen asleep hours ago, turning every few minutes while I stood and walked to her food. Quickly changing the old for a fresh sachet, I decided it was time for my own dinner. The evening already settled in and the end of summer became more evident with the cool wind drifting in through the front room window. It was scary in this house, I never saw how big it was until the days slowed down. I wanted to change the walls, paint over them in a more happy color - but I knew if I did, when Matthew came back I'd be in trouble. Probably best to just leave them.

I looked to the back door, a chill ran up my spine as a figure stood just opposite the road, seemingly looking at me. Is that Matthew? I watched for a few more minutes, the figure doing the same- I couldn't tell who it was, man or woman. Feeling for my mobile on the table, I rang my mother.

My heart was jumping out of my chest as she answered, calling my name while I stuttered a reply.

"Mum? Someone is outside my garden, I don't know who it is." My voice shook with fear. "OK, are all the doors locked? Is it Matthew?"

Did I lock the back door? Fuck, what about the front door?

"I don't know, just stay on the phone with me until I've locked them." She agreed as I slowly walked to the back door, pulling the handle up and turning the key, not daring to move my eyes from the figure.

"Kate, are they in the garden or outside?"

"Outside the garden on the next road over. I'm just going to the front door now." Slowly I backed away from the door, moving towards the front of the house - my eyes left the figure for a split second while I pulled up the handle but once I looked back, the figure was gone.

"Mum, they're gone. I only took my eyes away for a second and they're gone!" I was panicking as she replied. "That's good they're gone, just make sure every door is locked and take the key out."

I ran around the house, locking each door and window shut as I breathlessly spoke to my mother. Her, trying desperately to keep my mind off the figure with news on her house expenses.

"Everything's going up in price now - what's it like up there?" Her voice always had a way of making me tired. I laughed.

"It's not bad up here, we don't have to pay tax so it's cheap and easy. I love it."

We spoke until early hours of the morning, my dinner long forgotten and the figure no longer worth mentioning. Lilo and Stitch had become my comfort movie as I played it in the background, falling asleep next to Manya once again.