HE IS HELL

Chapter eighteen

Chapter eighteen

Do I answer or just ignore it? My hands clammed up almost instantly at the message while my heart had continuous palpitations, catching my breath was almost impossible – I was stuck in a trance, pupils refusing to move from the screen. After a moment I breathed out, feeling as if this trance had left my body as I relaxed back into the chair. I sat there, worried, confused, upset and happy all at once – I wanted to cry so badly, to let this scribbled out ball of emotions spill from my chest – to feel that release I had been desperately craving.

But I was scared.

What does he want to talk about? Did I do something? Did he do something? Does he want to get back together? Should we get back together? So many questions were flooding my mind as I sent a thumb emoji back to Matthew. I then thought of Jamie – I'd have to tell him, even if we were just sex buddies, I feel like he's become attached to me now that he's mentioning his feelings so drastically. It would hurt him, if his feelings for me were true but there was never any point in a one sided love story.

I knew with guilt, I was going to ditch Jamie for Matthew in a heartbeat – I just wasn't sure how. I rested my head on the table, feeling the tension headache overcome the back of my neck, slowly creeping its way around. Looking at my mobile once again, I decided now was a good time to leave and get back home.

As I walked out of college I fiddled with my mobile, debating on what to say to Jamie. It was meant to just be some regular fun with no strings attached. I was frustrated that he had caught feelings.

To: Jamie

Hey, so my ex messaged. He's going to call me later so I can't do anything tonight, not sure if we can do anything sexual again.

I pressed send before I read it over, internally telling myself I had done the right thing. Cutting him off before he created a bigger attachment was a good idea. Shoving my mobile back in my pocket I walked to the bus station, allowing myself more time to walk through the forest Tristan and I would walk down – knowing it would take much longer. It was worth the extra few minutes. The sun barely visible yet it made its way through the tall trees that had lost most of their leaves throughout the winter. As much as I loved the warmth, being able to feel the frost nip at my fingers and toes calmed me a lot more than I cared to admit.

The walk home from the bus stop was annoyingly slow, so many people in such a small town created the worst traffic – even on the pavement. I rolled my eyes, seemingly doing that a lot more than usual as I entered the house. My mother and her partner both sat at the table, him portraying a stern look upon his face. I wondered how long it would take for him to snap.

"Katherine, we need a chat." Nick almost demanded as I scoffed. I had to be nice for mother dearest, but he is the biggest A class arse-

"Katherine?" Oh. I sat at the table, listening to Nick talk while my mother, Madeline sat there with a worried look upon her aging face. Her green eyes matched mine as she shook her head in a small motion – barely noticeable. She was telling me not to react badly. Nodding discreetly, I looked to Nick with a small smile.

"Sorry Nick, can you say it again? I think I had my headphones playing too loudly."He grimaced at that as I internally smiled. I despised him for cheating, however mother should have told him to leave the first time he fucked another woman.

"I said, me and Maddy are going to Ireland – we need you to look after the animals." I nodded, that was fair. "When are you leaving, need help packing your bags?" Hint, hint.

"We won't be going until Tuesday. We'll be back Friday." Nick said, tapping his finger against his cup of tea.

After agreeing I retreated to my bedroom, sitting on the window ledge while I smoked. I knew there were messages on my mobile, both from Matthew and Jamie but I couldn't bring myself to read them. Looking outside the window a couple walked past, both holding one another's hand, looking lovingly at one another.

Is that what I want? I wasn't sure.

I wasn't certain on what I wanted. I just knew I craved Matthew's touch. I decided to answer them both, first reading Matthew's message and becoming more confused.

From: Matthew

Is that it? Wow.

My head pounded thinking of a response. It was too blunt to reply with anything so I ignored it, opening Jamies' message instead, regretting my decision almost instantly.

From: Jamie

Babe, why would you even answer him? Please don't do this, I love you xxxxxxxxxxx

I laughed at the situation, Jamie is such a nice guy but he knew it was no strings. I had to be stern with him regardless of the annoyance. I debated what the nicest way to tell him it was without sounding like this horrid person. I opted for the best and safest bet – short and simple.

To: Jamie

Jamie, look. You and I were no strings attached – just fuck buddies. No feelings involved. Now there's a feeling that I don't want to continue this. Our agreement is over.

I should have felt guilty for sending such a crude message, however I was greeted with relief knowing that was one less stress taken care of. Thinking back to Matthew I still didn't know how to respond. What was he expecting me to reply with? An entire paragraph with an introduction, evidence and conclusion? Taking my hair down I ran my fingers through the black box-dyed strands, forcefully pulling at the small knots.

Another message came through, with a request to call from Matthew – I agreed and waited anxiously for the mobile to ring and when it did, I could no longer tell the difference between terror and excitement. "Hello?" I stuttered into the phone line, hearing shuffling on the other end.

"Katherine? Can you hear me?"

I nodded, then silently cursed myself for forgetting he could not see me. "Yeah, I hear you. Why are you calling?"

"I miss you, but I did meet someone else – we didn't do anything, I couldn't." I could hear the lie as he tapped upon his phone – probably messaging another woman.

"Yeah well, I met a few others."- It was a petty move, however I did not expect the amount of rage I received for that sentence.

"You fucking slag! I knew you wouldn't be able to keep your legs closed. Go on, tell me their fucking names! I'll kill them for touching you." I sat on my bedroom floor, my ear red from the heat of the mobile far too confused to process any of our conversation. He was drunk again.

"Katherine, tell me their fucking names! I'll kill them then I'll kill you!" I let out the breath I was holding, opening and closing my mouth from shock. My veins froze with hatred yet my heart jumped with desire.

"Matthew, it's been 3 whole months. I don't even remember their names." I lied, not knowing whether Matthew was serious about the murder part – not wanting to find out.

"You fucking bitch. Just tell me who they are!" Matthew screamed, I flinched at the loudness, pulling the phone away as he continued to shout. The amount of obscenities that flew on deaf ears surprised me, I was offended yet his behavior was amusing.

"They were literally strangers. Random people from the dating site." Matthew went quiet, the sound of a bottle opening made me think he was continuing to drink. Minutes later he spoke again with eerie calmness. "I'd never hurt you my love. Just them, so tell me their names."

I didn't know whether to sigh from frustration or feel on edge with the way he was speaking. The rational part of me screamed to run yet the less rational part told me to continue talking, help him and support him. I knew Matthew was troubled and I wanted to help him.

I hoped I could anyway.

"Matthew I don't remember. That's the truth and that is final, if you keep on I'll just block your number for the night." My fake stern voice must have worked as Matthew groaned in defeat. "Fine, but you'll tell me one day. How many?" I rolled my eyes, switching the mobile to the other ear. "Three. Now can we drop it?" I couldn't tell him the truth. I knew it was far more but I couldn't remember how many, all I remembered was how much I wished for one of them to take it too far and leave my body in a ditch. I was greeted by more silence so I asked the next question.

"What do you want, Matthew?"