HE IS HELL

Chapter fifty-six

Chapter fifty-six

The drive home was silent, my mother playing her usual Rod Stewart CD in her little black Ford Astra as my eyes drifted outside of the passenger window. Gerald had already arrived and let himself in and I had no idea what I would say to him. I imagined walking inside of the front room, seeing the man on the sofa with an annoyed look - what would I even say? "Hi, sorry about that ha. I don't want to be alive any more but It didn't work, so here I am!" or the funny "Well, OD'ing on antidepressants might have cured my depression but now I have crippling regret and fear." I rolled my eyes, disgustingly amused with my thoughts.

Do I still want to die?

I don't think so.

"Are you ready?" My mother asked, snapping me out of my thoughts. Shit, that was fast. I shook my head, no. I really didn't want to leave the car, I could feel the pounding of my heart against my now fragile and bruised internal cage. "Not really, but what choice do I have?"

"Come on, let's go." I nodded, unbuckling the seatbelt slowly and opening the door. The cool morning air felt more bitter than sweet as I stepped outside, walking around the bumper and to the front door of the porch. Stepping inside, I could see Gerald. His figure was shadowed by the inside light as he stood, facing the window. I internally winced, biting my lip.

Better now then never.

I swallowed as we walked inside the house, my body bowing in regret and shame as I peaked my eyes through my long black hair in the tall man's direction.

His eyes.

I almost gasped at the sadness swimming inside the dull blue, his arms opened wide. Shit. What have I done?

His warmth was the first part of him I noticed, then the smell of ash fluttered almost delicately inside my nostrils. Gerald squeezed me gently, as if he was afraid it would break me. "Are you OK?" He muttered softly in my ear, all I could do was nod in response; I didn't trust the way my voice would quiver if I had told him the truth.

I was far from fine.

Letting go, we sat at the table. Gerald had rolled me a cigarette as I placed the white stick between my lips, inhaling deeply when the flame from the lighter hit the end. The room was quiet while we all puffed away, the ceiling becoming a cloud of smoke. I bit the inside of my cheek, hating the fragile atmosphere.

"It was Nan's birthday the other day right?" I asked my mother, her head nodding before I finished the question. "Yeah, she had a nice time. We had cake and a celebratory drink, well, I didn't."

"That's good." Gerald hummed next to me. "We'll have to pop down and see her at some point to wish her a belated birthday."

I sighed, closing my eyes for a few moments. I wanted so desperately to ignore the elephant in the room but the thickening silence was becoming too much.

"I'm tired." I spoke, stubbing the cigarette into the silver ashtray. "I might take a nap. Sorry." Excusing myself, I began to walk upstairs, Gerald following behind me.

Opening the door, Manya mewed loudly. I smiled, looking down at her - guilt overtaking the happiness. She would have been on her own if I..

I shook my head, picking her up and lying on the bed as Gerald sat beside me.

"How are you feeling, honestly?" he asked, rubbing my pant leg. I sighed again, deciding to just tell the truth. "Honestly? Like shit. I'm scared, regretful and feel stupid. Sorry, Gerald. I didn't want you to see this."

"Budge up." Moving slowly across the bed, Gerald lay behind me, his arm wrapping around my waist as he kissed my cheek softly. "Try and sleep, we'll talk more later."

I think I've been asleep for too long.

But,

do I really want to wake up?