HE IS HELL

Chapter forty-five

Chapter forty-five

I couldn't quite describe the way I felt as I sat in the doctors' office, my mind numb yet my body ached with the tiredness. I couldn't sleep, I had lost weight within two weeks of being home - I was scared but I didn't want to be near anyone. I wanted to be alone. I rubbed my eyes, noticing how boney my fingers felt.

"Mrs Moore?" I'm beginning to hate my surname. I stood, walking behind my doctor and into his office.

"Take a seat, what can I do for you?" I breathed in, looking at him. He was an elderly man with brittle white hair, wearing a suit that looked more expensive than my wedding dress.

"I need some sleeping pills, if that's possible?" Is that my voice? Since when did I sound so... monotone?

"Sleeping pills? Could I ask why you would need them?" I raised an eyebrow. "I can't sleep. I'm spending most nights awake, I'm too preoccupied."

"I see in your notes you recently was discharged from Gilead, how have you been coping?" I was aggravated with the questions, squeezing my fists as I sighed. "I'm alright, I just can't sleep by myself."

He nodded. "Well I can prescribe you some strong ones. Are you taking the aripiprazole that Gilead prescribed you?"

"No, I'm not taking them." I replied. "Alright, in that case I'll prescribe you Zolpidem. It's used to treat insomnia so it should work, it will leave a metallic taste in your mouth however. Only take up to two a night."

"Thank you, I appreciate it." He nodded, typing on the keyboard and printing the prescription. "Take this to the front counter, see if they have it available."

Leaving the room, I walked to the desk handing in the piece of paper. "One moment, I'll see if we have it." It wasn't long until the pharmacist returned, medication intact. "That's £9.15, it will show as euros on your bank statement." I nodded, tapping my card against the machine - regretting spending my last ten pounds on myself. Hopefully it will be enough to stop the nightmares at least.

By the time I made it home, I had received an email from Matthews' boss - he was planning to send both Matthew and I back to the UK, being offered a two bed house in North Yorkshire. I sighed, upset. I was happy to leave, I could be closer to my family but, I don't want to say goodbye to the others. The tears fell as I sat on the floor, Manya laying on my lap. I couldn't stop them, I no longer wanted to.

I really could use hearing Tristans' voice right about now. No doubt he's in his attic room, playing one of the many games he has. I laughed through the tears, I did miss Tristan a ton - regardless of how much I wanted to hear his voice, I didn't want to drag him into this hell I had somehow found myself inside.

I had a week and a half left before Matthew was allowed back home, one week to pack all of our belongings and let work know of my leave. How would I explain to them that I have to leave? My boss has already done enough for me. I closed my eyes, leaning against the front of the sofa as Manya purred. I felt dizzy and sick from the tiredness but, every time I closed my eyes - all I could see was his dark eyes. These murky, deep eyes that I kept falling inside every time they caught my attention. I decided to call my mother, letting her know of the news. She answered quickly.

"Hi mum." I spoke, ignoring the crack in my voice. "You OK?" I nodded at her question, internally slapping myself and sighing again.

"No, I'm not OK. I'm tired and I'll be coming back to the UK at some point. Matthews' boss emailed me saying we're being moved to Yorkshire."

"Yorkshire? That's ages away. Does Matthew know?" I shrugged. "I'm not sure, he's banned from talking or seeing me still."

"Oh, how long is that lasting? Surely with something like this, the boss will let you speak to him." She argued. "No, I don't think his boss would. Plus, it's not like Matthew would help pack or anything so I'm going to start packing up the stuff we don't use."

"Do you know when you're coming back?"

"No idea, hopefully it will be soonish. I need to call work to let them know and speak to my friends. I don't even know what to tell them." Would Manya even be OK with such a long journey? It was a 15 hour road trip!

"I would tell them soon if I were you. How's your arm?" The bandage had been driving me crazy. "I'm going to change the dressing on it later. Apart from that, it just itches and aches every now and again."

"Oh, your uncle said he would pick you up from Germany if you wanted to leave Matthew." I nodded. "I'll think about it. I don't know what to do to be honest, I love him but shit, he can be such an arsehole."

"Has his mum spoken to you or his sister?"

Scoffing, I replied. "No, I doubt they even know the truth. The last time it happened Matthew told them I had pushed him and went crazy."

"You're joking, why did he tell them that?"

"To save his own behind. I spoke to him about it a while back, he told me he didn't want his mum thinking he was capable of doing something like that. Honestly mum, I'm sick of it. I've caught him so many times on the dating app as well. He actually admitted the other month to using it for girls." I laughed bitterly, biting my bottom lip.

"When you get to Yorkshire ask your uncle to come get you. Matthew obviously is only in the marriage for the free housing. The boy lives a single life then beats you up when he's had enough."

She was right, I knew Matthew didn't love me. He loved the idea of being married and having responsibilities to show off to his friends. I was just a tool in his box.

"I will. I'm going to go mum, I'll call you tonight."

Hanging up the phone, I dropped my arms. The shitstorms only just started.