Memories, Scars and Survival: High School Years

Chapter 4 - Einar

The game ended with a loss for our team. Eirik scored two goals, but it wasn't enough. Dad was running around pissed off, so I stayed next to mom until we left. Thankfully, dad was going to work right from the game and mom would take us home.

When he came out, mom hugged Eirik and told him he played great. He looked grumpy, so I assume dad yelled at him. I knew the look. No matter how well you played, if the team lost, it was always our fault.

When I played, even if I wasn't on the ice, a goal against was my fault. After I stopped playing, he blames me for quitting. But I had to stop playing. I began having these moments where I would stand up and come very close to passing out. Mom took me to the doctor, but they never found the cause. They still happen, but not nearly as often.

Attempting to cheer him up, mom offered to let him drive home since he needed a few more hours of night driving. He turned her down, saying he drove here and she should let me drive. It surprised me.

So, I ended up driving home. Despite the complete darkness, I wasn't worried. It took me over twenty minutes to get us home. Once home, mom made me back into the driveway and park in the garage.

The garage is perpendicular to the driveway, so it worried me. I was extra relieved dad and his car weren't here. I backed in and ended in the center. Mom shook her head and told me I would have to do better, but it was good for now.

Laying in bed not long after, I recalled hugging Liz. I wanted to hug her again. I don't know if it's because she is a year older, but it felt so comforting. Almost like someone cared about and was saying, you will be ok. I pulled my blankets in around me tight, recreating the feeling.

I fell asleep longing to be touched. It must have been the good feelings, but I didn't have any nightmares. Friday was soon there, and I woke up a year older. I didn't feel any different that morning from the night before.

Unfortunately, I still had to go to school. Downstairs, I found mom making breakfast. She wished me a happy birthday. I gave her a hug and a kiss, feeling happy. Dad always told me she wouldn't accept me for being gay, but I knew he was wrong. Mom would always love me.

On the bus, Eirik's friend Simon shouted happy birthday up to me. Many others echoed, and it embarrassed me. Attention always makes me uncomfortable.

All day, I looked forward to the best part of my birthday, opening presents. When we got home, we still had to wait for mom to get home from work. I hoped dad would be asleep until then, but I wasn't so lucky.

He gave us both hugs and told us he loved us. Hearing it made my skin crawl. How can you love someone you torture?

"Make sure you boys dress nicer for your guests later," he said.

It's only his and mom's parents. Why do we have to dress nicer for them? Either way, I obeyed. I used changing as my excuse to stay upstairs until mom came home.

Not long after six, the doorbell rang. Going downstairs, dad's parents were in the hallway. Not long after, mom and her parents were there with pizza.

Not too much later, we could finally open our gifts. Dad's parents always got us sweaters. I cannot remember ever wearing any of them. Mom's parents always gave us cash, which is what excited me most. Opening the rest, there were more clothes from mom and a couple gift cards.

The next day Eirik went over to his friend's house and I found out dad was taking me golfing Sunday morning. While I love golfing, I dreaded being alone with him out there. He acted like I should feel so lucky to go with him. Before he left for work, I put my clubs in his car's trunk with his clubs.

Sometimes he would golf after work so his were always in his car. In the morning, I dressed in khaki shorts and a polo shirt. Dad drove us, but said he would let me drive home. It took us a half hour to get there. We didn't talk at all.

Once there, we changed our shoes and headed to the pro shop to pay. He drove the golf cart to the first hole but promised to let me drive when we were out of sight of the pro shop.

I surprised myself by hitting my first drive straight off the tee. While I always hit it as far as dad, I slice it to the right. Many times I've hit the ball into the next fairway. He has always made me hit it from there instead of counting it as out of bounds.

After a few holes, I started to play worse. By the sixth hole, he was getting more angry at me, which made him play worse and take it out on me. On the eighth hole, he had enough.

Standing in front of me while I stood to tee off, he held his driver up against my right temple. "If you look up, you're getting hit."

Fear consumed me, and I did not know what to do. He always said I sliced the ball because I look up when I hit it. I twisted my body back as I pulled the club back and up around me. As I pulled the club back down and struck the ball, an explosion of pain reverberated through my brain.

The world rocked around me as I struggled to stay standing. It felt like my brain was rocking all around my skull, bouncing first off the left side and then back against the right side. My body felt like it was spinning as my hearing also seemed to distort around me.

I heard shouting from what seemed like a great distance. It took what felt like minutes until I understood dad telling me to get back up before anyone sees me. Only then did I realize I was lying on the ground. It confused me because I don't remember falling.

Struggling to stand, I felt like my brain was in a fog and I fell back to my knees. After I don't know how long, I got to the golf cart and sat down. I could tell he was yelling at me still, but I did not know what he was saying.

As the cart began moving, I felt like I was going to fall off. I reached out to the roof rail and held on for dear life. I can't remember ever feeling this disoriented before.

Somehow, I managed to hit my ball and continue playing while out of my mind. I could tell he was threatening me by his tone, but I understood nothing he was saying. My ball was in the sand trap on the sixteenth hole before my mind came back to me.

Standing in the trap and looking at the green, I finally seemed to realize where I was. I still wobbled around worse than normal, but I was figuring things out. Dad seemed to realize I wasn't doing well, so he drove home instead of making me drive.

In the car, he reminded me of what he told me long ago. "If you tell mom, I will leave you all and mom can't afford to care for you. Eirik won't be able to play hockey and you'll be homeless."

Once home, I made my way to my bed and laid down. For the first time in quite a long time, I worried I was about to fall asleep and never wake up. I knew I must have a concussion. If I die, someone needs to know why.

I pulled my journal out of its hiding place and scribbled down what happened. It was hard and I could tell I wasn't writing between the lines on the page, but it would have to be enough. I woke what felt like an eternity and yet no time at all when dad was yelling for me to come down for dinner.

I felt myself walk into the door wall on my way out of my room. Once downstairs, I sat down and ate some food. It seemed to make me feel a little better. After dinner, I found my way back up to bed.

Mom poked her head in at some point and asked if I was alright. I told her I was just tired and fell asleep.