Memories, Scars and Survival: High School Years

Chapter 22 - Eirik

I scored the final goal, winning the game for us. Back in the locker room, I felt Noah's eyes on me. The kiss was always on my mind. I could remember the feel of his lips and how happy it made me. I longed for him to walk over, push me against the wall of the locker room, and kiss me in front of the team. That would never happen.

On the ice, I was the captain and leader of the team. I was supposed to take charge and lead the team to victory. But I love the idea of Noah kissing me. It was one of the best days of my life, but I still felt like I betrayed Einar.

Einar's in love with Noah, and I can't do anything to hurt him again. If Einar knew about the kiss, he would never talk to me again. Yet, Noah wanted me. Shouldn't what he wants matter in this situation? After all, Noah and Einar have been friends for many years and, as far as I know, they've never kissed.

Out in the lobby, Uncle Anders and Mats gave me high-fives. They left Sunday morning to return to the lower peninsula. It was a fun time playing games with Mats, but I felt guilty that neither Bo nor Einar played.

That night in bed, I stared at Einar as he slept. I can't hurt him again. Thinking this, he began twitching in his sleep. Soft whimpers escaped his lips every few seconds. I wanted to comfort him, but I felt I shouldn't comfort him on one hand and fantasize about his best friend on the other.

When he stopped, I turned and stared into the crack of the closet door. I could see nothing but darkness inside. Our alarm woke me in the morning, but I was still exhausted. I couldn't remember falling asleep.

When I got downstairs, mom was cooking breakfast again. I could really get used to this every morning. But I knew it wouldn't last.

I finished eating and made to grab my backpack and leave for the bus. "Where are you going?" mom asked. "Remember, you both have to see the therapist CPS has set up the appointment with."

"What?" I asked, confused. I don't remember that. "You never told me that."

"Well, whatever, even if I didn't you still have to go," mom said.

She drove us to a small medical building near the university. Windows covered the building. We found the right room at the end of the first floor. Written on the door was Marquette Psychological Services. On a plaque beside the door were three names; Dr. Daniella Irlova PsyD., Martin Johnson LCSW, and Fredrick Myers LCSW.

Inside, chairs lined a small room with another door with a buzzer beside the door. Mom pressed it and a small green light turned on instead of making a sound. We sat down and there were magazines on an end table.

After a few minutes passed, a young woman appeared and invited us back. She looked to be in her young twenties. We entered a large open room with two couches with a table between on one side. On the other side, a large table with regular chairs surrounding it sat empty. Against the back wall were three offices.

The lady pointed to the couches, and we sat down. I watched as she walked behind a desk in front of the three offices and sat down. Before I could look around the office, a middle-aged woman walked out of the corner office. It had to be Dr. Irlova.

She introduced herself and invited us to the large table. She spoke about their practice and what they did here. They help the police and child protective services interview children for the courts. They don't work with any patients long-term but help discover what people need to move forward in their lives in a positive and stable way.

She said we would start by speaking with her partners and then completing several written tests. It sounded like exam day. She said the tests and everything today should take around four hours. She introduced the young woman behind the desk as Stephanie. Stephanie's working on her master's degree in clinical social work.

The two other therapists came out, introduced themselves, and told us to call them Martin and Fredrick. They prefer to be on a first-name basis because it helps them and their clients feel like friends or acquaintances.

Einar went with Martin, and I with Fredrick. His office had a desk and some chairs off to one side, and two cushioned armchairs and a loveseat on the other. He told me to sit where I liked, pointing towards the armchairs and couch.

The armchair I chose had a back that rose higher than my head, with two small side pads that came out from the sides. I leaned my head against the right side and felt the material against my cheek.

"Eirik, my name is Fredrick, or you can call me Freddie or Fred, if you prefer. Now I know your mother brought you here because CPS wants you to see me, but I want you to know I am here to help you. While I share some of the information you say with the investigators, I will only share things we think are relevant. You're under no requirement to share, but I do ask that you're honest with me about anything you decide to share."

He grabbed a voice recorder and set it on the table. "I want to record this interview. The tapes will never leave the office. They are just for my colleagues and me. Are you ok with me recording this?"

"Sure," I said.

He pressed a button on the device. A little red dot appeared. "Thank you Eirik. I would like to begin by asking some general questions. Why don't you tell me about yourself? What you like to do, sports you play. What you like or don't like about school. Things like that."

"Well," I began, and told him as much as I could think of. We talked about hockey and school. I told him my favorite and least favorite classes, teachers, video games, and anything else he asked. We also talked about my friends and how I get along with my teammates and classmates.

I was nervous bringing up Noah and our kiss. I didn't know if he would judge me for kissing Einar's best friend, or for being gay. Glancing at his face, he didn't react at all. He took it in like it was just any other detail.

I worried now that I said I was gay. What if dad finds out? "Please don't let my dad find out I'm gay."

"Tell me about that. Why are you afraid?"

We spoke for around an hour about dad and everything I knew about what he did to Einar. He asked me several questions about what I saw personally and how I felt each time dad did or said something. Then we spoke about my mom, and each of my relatives, and my relationships with them.

When we finished that part, I felt like we discussed my entire life in just an hour. How could my life be condensed to just an hour?

"Ok, Eirik, Thats all the questions I have for you. I'm going to give you some tests to take. Please answer all the questions to the best of your ability," he said, handing me a packet and a pen.

Flipping through the packet to see what was there, I settled back into the chair and began with the depression screening form.